How Can I Be So Stupid?!?

[sisu]

I'm struggling again - but hopefully on the road to recovery. My ex boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago. Most of that time we remained in contact and would see each other for lunch about 1 time per week. So he continued to text me, call me and want to meet for lunch it sort of seemed like we were on one of our cycles again. I have been working on myself and trying to become less co-dependent and more assertive of my needs. "So I ask him, is there any interest in trying to slowly rekindle what we had? It won't be what it was and I think it will be worth our effort."

He texted back later, "I cannot offer any type of relationship other than friends. Too much to do". This text really just made me mad. He just got his Army retirement money, plus he gets VA disability and he gets SS disability. The man gets so much money and he has been buying stuff, paying off stuff, fixing up his current house and planning to buy a vacation home out west. He does not work. So I read that as material items and my stuff are much more important than people. So I did not respond to that text for a couple days.

I texted him finally and said, "what does being friends with me mean to you? and are you saying material items are more important than people?"

He responded, "I am trying to realign my emotional and physical self. I am in a pivotal battle for my physical and mental health". I thought...what?!? So I asked him if he was going to additional counseling and if he was going to church. He said "yes, a lot". So I told him, "I agree to being your friend since you are being proactive and getting counseling and going to church". He texted, "thank you"

I was also moving on - I am not sure if J will ever be capable of a real relationship. So...I talked on the phone to my cousin about everything and asked her about different dating sites as I was interested in just getting my feet wet again in the dating world. I looked at several sites and found one I was comfortable with and joined. While looking around, guess who I find searching for his soul mate? You guessed it, J the ex-BF. I was actually concerned about his pivotal battle. I was actually worried how he would take it if I met someone new. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?!?

Everything he told me was a lie. There is no pivotal battle - or maybe there is...I don't even know. He claims he can't be anything but friends, so why is he searching so hard for the next victim? Why was he so concerned about remaining friends? Why wasn't I worth the truth to him? How do you trust people after you have heard so many lies?

I am just so mad at myself for not just cutting him off when he broke up with me at the end of July. I was mostly healed (I thought) - but this latest round of lies has shredded me.

 

[anthony]

Men tell you anything to keep you hanging around so they can get into your pants when they want it. That is the truth of it. He doesn't want to be friends, he wants fallback sex if he can't get anyone new.

I tell my wife this at times, that women are their own worst enemy when it comes to males. You keep putting yourself in front of men who don't want you, hoping they will, or thinking you can change them to want you. You can take your experience and isolate yourself, or you can take your experience now knowing more signs to be mindful off in dating, and not make some mistakes again if possible. There will be a guy out there that will treat you right, as you want, and just love you... but if you aren't out there to find them, then you will continue such negativity with ex partners.

 

[sisu]

Yeah, you are probably right. But I struggle with this philosophy too ~ it requires me to think the worst of everyone. I have a habit of looking for the good in people. I thought he really needed a friend and because he was getting additional help, I agreed. Then when I saw he was online within days (and maybe sooner) looking for another date/relationship, I found out he lied. So in this case I should have thought the worst of him and maybe I should in all men. It certainly seems to be the case in all I have encountered.

Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era. It just really floors me that people can treat others with such callousness after they claimed to have loved them. My emotions don't just turn off and on instantly. I am moving on - and I am going to be careful. But its going to be hard because in order to protect myself from this type of person (all men) I need to be callous, suspicious and untrusting. If I continue the way that I am, then the same thing will continue to happen to me. I must be a target for this type of man. I am a nice person which mostly backfires on me. I need to find my inner bitch apparently.

 

[anthony]

All men are not like that... there are just a lot who are, yet there are also a lot who love the one woman they're with and are happy to be with them only.

Online dating, IMHO, is a waste of time, because women go on them to find love, most men go on them to find an easy root. I believe the most compatible relationships will come from meeting and talking with people in person, based on similarities you both already have, and aren't just some written BS on a website profile.

If you have interests in x, y and z, then you need to be active in those interests and looking for people within those, who you have some similarities with. There are lots of good men looking for a woman who isn't a cheater as well, or someone who just shops tip they drop or does little and just wants to spend their money, stay at home and pop out kids. Men want relationships, and have just as much issue in finding compatible women.

If you are within online dating, then IMO it is worth being only on a more exclusive site where every member is vetted for more honesty of who they are, and screened in detail for likes and dislikes.

 

[Promicarus]

I don't know your history, of course, but I have to wonder if you had a rejecting father-too often we unconsciously repeat the experiences we had in childhood, leading to self-defeating behavior of every kind...simply because that's what we're most familiar, and therefore comfortable with. There's a saying..."it may be soft and warm...but it's still s*h*t". It may be that you're unconsciously picking men with attributes similar to a male figure from your youth. It may be worth exploring with a counselor, if it's been a long-term trend.

I, too, have to wonder about this man's moral compass. But while are men are certainly not users...one thing I've come to believe is that all men try to get out of a relationship by not hurting the woman any more than possible, in an attempt to avoid further conflict, if not necessarily out of general good-heartedness. And it sounds like he tried to give you an answer that wouldn't hurt you.
But most importantly, I think-you got out of a relationship with a disingenuous person without having any more harm done. You could have wasted years more of your life. Maybe you should count your blessings, rather than allow him to steal more of your life by staying tied to him through resentment. I your first question was "how could I be so stupid"--don't beat yourself up. We're all stupid, where relationships are concerned. Just don't be more stupid by staying in the problem, and sour feelings, any longer.

 

[sisu]

Promicarus - I just saw your response. YES! I did have a father who was rejecting of me - and a mother who was emotionally detached from me. I do find myself seeking out or being drawn to men who don't treat me well. I am VERY aware of it now and am trying hard to change this. When a man is nice to me it causes me to withdraw - I always think he must want something from me instead of just accepting that he is a nice person. If a man pushes and pulls me in emotionally then I find that is my comfort zone - and that is bad.

I have not gone back to J - although I very much still want to (pretty sick, huh?). I am working on myself right now ~ I have co-dependent tendencies and low self esteem. I think J is a very selfish man who had an agenda. When I no longer served a purpose, then I was cut loose. He did treat me well a lot of the time - but I always knew at any moment that I could be cut loose. I think that is why I didn't withdraw during those times when he really was kind to me like I normally would with a man without an agenda.

I agree that I've dodged a bullet in that I got out of that relationship. What is also weird is that both of his ex-wives made contact with me to say the same thing. I am counting my blessings and moving forward with my life. :)

 

[Promicarus]

Congratulations!!!!!!

It's so rare for someone with this sort of background, and the resultant co-dependent tendencies (as you mentioned), to either be capable of insight into it, or willing to change the destructive habits--as they're familiar, after all--much less to be able to do so with both the rapidity and clarity that you seem to have! Kudos!

It's hard to build an entire new basis for relating to the world. I know. It's not really a matter of re-building, I believe, but building in the first place...to extend the metaphor, it also includes "tearing down", at the same time--of the old perspective and tendencies.

At least those putting up buildings have the ability to do one step, then another--we have to do both simutaneously!
And at an age where people are expected to "have it together by now", usually.

I'd encourage you to read some about "Narcissism", "Narcissistic supply", and "Borderline Personality Disorder".
I'm not at all suggesting that you have any of the above, of course. But these give pretty good insight into the nature of, hidden motivations behind, and histories responsible, for similar co-dependent relationships and tendencies. It helped me a great deal, to "see it from the outside".

Because, you see, I was in the opposite role, in my early life. I was never abusive verbally or physically, at all. I "prided myself" on that.
But I was unconsciously playing power games through "withholding" emotional engagement, resulting in experienced rejection on the other parties part, as a means of establishing dominance. The "Advance just enough to lure", then "withdraw to sink the hook", dance.

And not surprisingly, I ended up in unhealthy relationships with unhealthy people--who saw this as attractive...because, I now realize, they too--in almost every case--had experienced the same with their fathers, and associated this with dominance and strength, and deep inside, felt that someone who didn't reject them must not really see them as they "deserved to be seen", I now realize.
Those who treated them with kindness and attention were "weak saps", as they were unable to perceive these others "lack of worth", established early in their minds by a rejecting male figure.

Interesting that his ex-wives contacted you...that's a pretty sure sign that you dodged a bullet, isn't it?
So glad you're able to see it that way, and have gotten some insight, and are looking honestly at these things. Change isn't easy, of course, but in the long run, it's better than sitting in soft, warm, sh*t, of the familiar, right?

Wish I'd been capable of "waking up", and making a change so readily!
Take care, and best wishes.

 

[sisu]

Thank you!! Places like this have helped me a lot. I get great insight from people who "get it", and I get some validation when I am on the right track. I still have a long way to go, but I am confident I can get there. This is something that I had an awareness of beginning about 4 years ago. When I was first told by a counselor that my mother and I did not attach to each other like normal mothers and daughters would, I felt angry. Like how could she say that about my mom when I knew that she loved me and she would do anything for me. The counselor explained that its different, its on an emotional level. It really became clear to me when she asked me how I felt about my daughters and what I would do for them if they were ever in trouble emotionally. I knew I would be there for them immediately - I would drop whatever I was doing and go to them. Period. I would lay down my life for them if it meant that something I had could save their life.

Once when I was really in deep despair and really crying out for my mom to listen to me, I told her that it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here anymore. I felt worthless and just wanted the emotional pain to end. She said, "you probably should call a counselor". I got a call from her a few days later to see how I was. THAT was the final piece to the puzzle for me. If that was my daughter, even if I knew she wasn't really going to do anything, I would be there in a heartbeat because obviously she needed me. My mom who doesn't work and could have come up to my house chose not to come.

At that point, even though my parents are living, I felt like an orphan. I knew that I had to be strong for myself because emotionally NO ONE was there for ME. I reconnected with J about 3.5 years ago and we were together for about 3 years. Even though I knew he wasn't really good for me, it was nice to have someone to lean on. I have been struggling with the knowledge of my mother ever since I realized it was true and I was just grabbing on to whatever made me feel a little loved. J has combat PTSD, so when he was emotionally available he was great to me, I just never knew when the rug was going to get pulled out from under me and he would be gone again.

Anyway, its just me and my two daughters now. I am trying to find my center. Trying to fill in that hole of emptiness inside me that should be filled with my mothers love for me.

My dad is another story. He is just emotionally vacant. I hardly know the man, really. He has never shared stories of himself with me, I don't know how he feels about stuff, etc. When I was a kid I once asked him what charisma meant. He told me what it meant. I then asked him if I had charisma. He said, no. WHAT?!? I was a 12-13 year old girl. Why on earth wouldn't you tell your daughter YES?? Why wouldn't you tell her she is amazing, charismatic, beautiful or any other thing that might make her feel good about herself?!?

It all makes me so angry sometimes. And I made damn sure I was not that way to my daughters. I love them with every fiber of my being and they know it. I think they are beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, charismatic and every other wonderful thing - and they know it! I am always there for them - and they know it.

That's a good start, right?

 

[Promicarus]

It sounds as though your bad parenting has made you a better parent--so I'd actually choose to be grateful for that, even if not how it affected you, personally, in your earlier life, at least.

It's become necessary for me to learn to be grateful for pain and adversity, in order to keep from wallowing in it, and being stymied by my experiences.

It's cliche, of course, but I do believe it builds character. This has been confirmed to me, throughout my life, by interacting with others who really have never experienced much if any pain/adversity to speak of. They very rarely have much to speak of in the way of character--at least in my experience. There are some, of course, but it's not in the majority of instances.

So glad you've chosen to view your parent's examples as learning experiences, of what NOT to do, rather than repeat the behavior, which is often the case. It's understandable, if that was one's model of "the right way to be"...but I'm glad you've broken that cycle, and it sounds as though your daughters are very very lucky for it.

Take care, and best wishes!

 

[sisu]

Thank you and I agree. I am grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life. And you are right - I chose to be a good mother to my kids and I think I am doing a really good job. I am so proud of my amazing kids! I'm the sappy mom crying on the sidelines and beaming with pride when my child is playing a sport or performing in music. I sometimes feel like the love I have for my kids will escape out of my skin because I feel so full of love on the inside of myself for them. (silly, I know)

I also think you are right that adversity builds character. I would say, for me, that I am wayyyyy more sympathetic and empathetic than a lot of people because I know exactly what it feels like to be ignored or invalidated. This is where I have to be careful with my co-dependence because I want to help everyone I know and take on their problems. I cannot do this.

Its all a huge learning curve - but I'm going to get there! Thanks for your great responses to me. :)