The word that keeps coming to mind while reading this is 'surrender'.
And by that I mean surrender to the...
@Bristol1485 I so relate to what you posted - I feel at times in therapy I am having to fight (yesterday especially) in order to gain any ground over the trauma and in T. Thank you for your post. You typed exactly what I am feeling at this moment. Yes. Exactly. And it is unfair to have to deal with this garbage that was dumped upon us in our lives by sickos and crazees. Sure, some of them were immediately related to me - and they were sickos and crazees! There, I said it. For decades I tried to pretend that these horrible memories and dreams (nightmares) were not real. And in therapy, I do believe that T's sometimes have a hard time hearing what we have been through (horrible crap) and that we survived to tell about it. That T's sometimes say things to question our memories and dreams (nightmares). I'm not in therapy to convince any expletive person what my mind/body have endured and survived and now am trying to recover from. grrrr. I am in recovery to deal with this crap finally. And get on with the business of living after processing and reprogramming this crap in my mind/body. Thank you
@Bristol1485 for your post. I know this moment because of your above post - that I am not alone in where I'm at in T. And I believe in God - and I say with God's strength - MOVE mountain. I will never give up. Never. (hugs).
@ladee I like your word - Surrender to the mind (brain) knowing what truthfully happened and like you
@ladee said - getting along with the recovery process. Rockin' on @ Ladee. Yesterday was a crap session. Questioning memories. Bull hockey! What a puke session yesterday was! No two are alike. This one for me had NO recovery in it. I am not going back into denial about the hell crazy screwed up people did to me throughout my expletive life. (Throughout therapy, dr. had to deal with another T's and her client and her client's baby crying and disrupting our emdr session) What a freakin' nightmare yesterday was!
And I will only listen to my body and mind's remembrances of the horrid dung I was subjected to. No one on this earth knows but, me the perp and God what happened back then. And that's it. And, although, I do not want to talk about the T's yesterday having his own personal problems (brought them in with him - I could sense them). We who have been in fight, flight, fright know when someone before us is in distress, or dealing with outside issues that have notta to do with us. And that was my T. Not my flippin' monkeys, not my freakin circus. No, not anymore. I have enough to deal with myself. And I will stay as connected as I can humanly be to the healing process. After crap session with T I went straight home to bed! And that too is recovery. I must listen to mind/body telling me to process horrid and disgusting memories and those past abuse events that only come through whether T questions: Is that a dream, or a nightmare? What the ? My T was out in hyperspace yesterday. And that put me further out into outerspace. Came home, went to bed. Done. Today is a new day.
Yes! Those who tried to destroy me before as
@ladee has shared above - before I - we had a chance at life! Most are dead now. And I can't think about whether karma got them; karma always gets me. And God, whom I believe in well - enough said!
@Bristol1485 I ran from the brain/mind trying to heal itself by giving me flickers long ago of the severe trauma. And I ended up cutting, eating disorder (and serious medical issues because of my eating disorder); and almost completing a suicide attempt. I can run, but I can't hide anymore, all of my addictions now have failed me. I have to look at the hell trauma and stay in recovery now and fight for my life and right to be here, and not allow sick blanks to destroy me. They're gone. I am here (except for sis) she's still here stretching out her face (plastic surgery) looks like a freak. Nothing restorative and healing about disfiguring her face. Nothing. I understand all have to hit rock bottom before recovery can begin regarding ptsd trauma whether it's an eating disorder, drinking, drugging, cutting, sexing, facial surgery, spending, all that crap. I won't let 'em cut on my face if that is what I am going to look like - a bizarre distorted face. If she (sis) looke asian and beautiful that's another thing. Sister looks like a freak, a monster now. Enough. Thank you
@Bristol1485 and
@ladee and
@hodge yes, pretending it doesn't matter won't cut it either. Respect and deep fondness for all who post and care about one another, for I care about each of you, as well. JadesJewel
