How Differently People Can View The Same Trauma

[Havana]

A few years back I was in a devastating earthquake. Hundreds died and it was a very traumatic and scary event to survive.
Now years down the track an amazing documentary was released in commemoration to the quake.
It was wonderfully made but a huge trigger and distressing to see. The feelings I couldn't allow myself to feel whilst trying to survive the event - came flooding back full force.
Extremely emotional.

Long story short , after this I was diagnosed with PTSD. I gave up my life on the other side of the planet to move home and be closer to my family.

Tonight I gathered courage and showed them the documentary of this lifechanging event. I wanted them to see and understand what has affected me so much. Sharing pain as a PTSD sufferer is very scary when you feel emotional and vulnerable as it is.

Not even half into this film my father (fireman of 40 years) declared:
- I feel nothing when I see this , doesent affect me one bit. So what - there is blood - Ive seen much worse (then proceeded to tell me his work stories)

Upon I replied: That's not the point , this is my trauma and I'm trying to share my experience. I could have died , this affects me still and I wanted you to understand why.

When my father replied: yes you could have died, but you didn't . So that's that.

Now - in understand in essential what he means. He is a rescue worker and has seen hell, maybe even worse than the pics I showed him. That wasn't the point though.

Naturally I know I'm being overly sensitive as I do know I fight PTSD .... But honestly , wasn't his comment a bit ...rough? I don't trust any of my feelings since I got diagnosed , I generally try and take a step back and see things from more than my perspective. No one sees an event the same as someone else , each experience is unique...

I just don't get how you can say "I feel nothing" when u see buildings crushed, people screaming & running for their life, blood , tears, horror.
You must have seen alot of trauma, in order to be that pragmatical about it.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, his remark was heartless, I agree. I can also say that he was not there, didn't experience the fear you did, didn't almost die and so he has no idea what YOU are feeling and does not want to know what you felt either. I have a feeling that he has numbed himself on these kinds of things. He probably has had to do that to survive working in the job that he does. So I think you just have to cut him some slack and not expect any sympathy from him. I doubt that he will ever understand how you feel.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So you judge his numbness?

Nice.

Maybe you'll grow to be less judgmental over time as you realize that ALL feelings are equally valid. You may react with gut wrenching sobs while another protects themselves by going numb.

 

[illusionist]

Interesting that you should post this. Earlier I replied to a post who had experienced something I had. My experience needed hospital attention, so it must have been ' bad' but I have totally blocked out....in my head it was an experience..brushed myself down so to speak. Saying that, I do understand how others could be affected...and understand why I'm not personally affected by my own experience.....it may well bite me in the arse when I least expect it to........same as the people you speak of. It's their way of dealing with things.

 

[scout86]

Naturally I know I'm being overly sensitive

I don't know that I think you're being overly sensitive.

There are a lot of reasons he might have reacted as he did and I have no idea what his personal reasons were. My T says he's seen situations where there were 3 guys in a vehicle that hit an explosive device. One was killed, one ended up with a severe case of PTSD, and the third went back to the base, had lunch and went on with his life. He can't explain it, it's the way things are. Different people DO react differently In this case, your father may not have told you the truth about what he felt. May not have wanted to admit how terrified he was or how bad he felt that his child had gone through that. May have thought showing a reaction would add to your fears. May deny a lot of stuff just so he can get by. Or maybe he's just been through enough that what it takes to get his attention is pretty high.

In any case, I'm sorry he wasn't more supportive. Says more about him than it does about you or what you went through. Maybe some day down the road the two of you can talk about this and see each other's viewpoint a bit better.

 

[shimmerz]

I would imagine your father has to keep himself pretty well protected in order to allow him to work in emergency services. He probably has decades of 'stuffing down' under his belt. I don't think that excuses his saying 'just get over it', but I can understand why he needs to keep that armour around him. I believe emergency services (police and fire) have a certain mentality about PTSD that, here in Ontario, they have just finished studying for two years. That whole, how to break the mentality that PTSD is 'weak thinking'.

 

[Neverthesame]

Sounds like he clicked over to his professional mindset. You have to be that way in emergency services. You have no choice in the matter. You can/will be faced with situations that are horrifying. But, you must suck it up and face it. That is the job.

That mindset is necessary. Without it, that job will consume you. Sometimes it still does.

I would not be too hard on him, having the experience he does, he will have seen the worst humanity has to offer. While you try to block it out, it still bothers you. Then every once in a while you get called to treat someone who for whatever reason, reminds you of family. That is a terrifying thought.

When you showed him the images from the earthquake zone. He likely pictured in his head, you. Not as a lucky survivor, but among the awful carnage and destruction, that surrounds events like that. He likely hid behind his professional "wall". Not because he does not understand, or feel for you. But because he can't bear the thought of his child being horribly maimed or killed.

I don't want to be too harsh, or make you feel guilty. I do see why that would upset you. It might just be better to just sit and talk about it with him.

 

[darrenS]

Sounds like he clicked over to his professional mindset. You have to be that way in emergency services. You have no choice in the matter. You can/will be faced with situations that are horrifying. But, you must suck it up and face it. That is the job.

I tend to agree with Neverthesame , my father although not an emergency worker had seen considerable trauma and actually had undiagnosed ptsd, but his reaction was pretty much the same, i think it was the mindset of a lot of men a few years back, thats how they survived. Even sharing the trauma or the situation that led to it can be very risky, everyone has a different reaction, and doing it to gain validation can sometimes backfire and make us feel worse.

I have witnessed some horrific stuff and it hasn't affected me , other times i have been able to talk about some of my trauma's as if it were nothing - no bodily or emotional reactions , only to blindsided by the same thing a couple of years on.

You yourself know how traumatic it was and that is all that matters, don't let others reactions sidetrack you , you have obviously done a lot of hard work and should feel proud , your standing here being able to share it.

 

[Havana]

So you judge his numbness?

No - I don't understand his reaction- BIG difference.

nice

Sarcasm - lovely

Maybe you'll grow to be less judgmental...

Honestly - Why the harsh tone?
I wrote the post as I genuinly did not understand his reaction. Thanks to the the other replies, I'm now able to see things more clearly.
Thank you .

My father couldn't be bothered finishing watching a short documentary of a life changing event. An event that literary made me soo isolated, I stopped talking to everyone ( including my family).
So you know what - yes - I am disappointed in my father ! Not for his numbness when facing horrific accidents...
But failing as a dad when I tried to explain Why they lost contact with their child for over 2 years.

 

[ghotiff]

My father couldn't be bothered finishing watching a short documentary of a life changing event.

Just an alternate interpretation...
It might not be that "he couldn't be bothered" but that "he couldn't cope with" and then he hid behind bravado, denial and his professional mask.

 

[Havana]

I do understand his profession is a major factor in how he deals with life in general.
I think It was the dismissal of a major event that has affected hundreds of thousands of people - 'as a no big deal'- that got me.
Be bravado, denial or professional mask, we are still humans.
How one applies emotion or feel in any disaster, is naturally and rightfully independent. Nevertheless, in no way should one diminish the impact it may have others. Particularly when it is a family member.
I did not need to be at the World Trade Centre in order to understand the horror and sympathize with the victims.
Even though I will never understand its true impact - I highly doubt that any survivor would like to be told "its no big deal I've seen worse" and then be called 'judgmental' for being upset.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I don't know your father but I think @ghotiff may have a point. When my "sufferer" can not do something he hides behind a mask of toughness, snobbiness and being an asshole.
It used to hurt and annoy me a lot. Sometimes still does.

It must be hard for a father to see his children have been affected by disaster because they are the ones parents want to protect most.

But then I dfo not know your father, what is your rerlationship like?