How do i begin to tell my new bf about past sexual abuse, assault, kidnapping etc?

[420kitty]

Well, if he hasn't reponded back and in that long over an outburst - he probably can not handle that level of emotion/trauma. A lot of people can't or don't want to experience frequent ups and downs in relationships. I wouldn't go in to detail or tell him. If he likes your personality and your heart, your vagina shouldn't matter. If he does repond back just say you want to wait until you feel comfortable and don't know how long it will take. Most guys seem nice but just want the punani and split.

 

[shimmerz]

^^^ Agreed.

 

[Hooper]

Most guys seem nice but just want the punani and split.

I would agree but I don't understand their logic. If what you want is punani you will get a lot more of it much more safely by sticking with one woman. I may not have slept with many women but I've had more sex than many who have slept with vastly more women because they just leave after they get what they want.

As for the original question I would disclose abuse occurred minus any details. Maybe because I don't handle details well my opinion is skewed. When the odds are 20% it is going to be the case anyway it should not be a huge surprise. You may want to wait 6 months or at least until you know it is going the direction of long term before you disclose.
hooper

 

[Mach123]

I'd say, when you started discussing marriage. I look at myself and men in general as predatory about sex.
You might agree or disagree with that but I wouldn't take a chance on it and besides, he's liable to have who knows what in his past and wondering if he should tell you?


*Sorry I can't edit that? If not predatory, at least "opportunistic."

 

[somerandomguy]

Most guys seem nice but just want the punani and split.

Or ... maybe your picker is broken. Really, are we going to generalize this way? Really?

 

[420kitty]

Or ... maybe your picker is broken. Really, are we going to generalize this way? Really?

Lol, fair enough. Or maybe you are just in the 20% category of men whom are respectful. :)

 

[Freida]

From the Sufferer side....
I've told hubby the basics which I'm ok sharing with him but there are A LOT of details he is never going to get. It took me a while to figure why and it came down to -- I can't handle his reaction. Not because he will condemn me -- but because he will care, be sad, be angry, whatever. And I'm not capable of dealing with that level of emotions yet. I can barely deal with mine -- I sure as hell can't deal with his.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I didn't know when I dated and then married my husband that I had been abused by my father. Heck, I didn't even know that I had a different father. I had only an odd feeling about not belonging with my three brothers. Three years after we were married I started to remember some things. Still no knowledge that my father was involved. Twenty-three years later, I finally began to figure out exactly what happened to me with my father. Six years after that, I started to share my abuse with my husband.

My husband isn't the average guy. He can handle what I share with him. And I've shared more than an overall perspective of my abuse. He knows my father was a serial killer, a pedophile, and an assassin, and how he perpetrated his criminal acts on others.

 

[EveHarrington]

Or ... maybe your picker is broken.

Sounds like victim blaming to me!

???

 

[somerandomguy]

"want[ing] the punani and split[ting]" is not a description of an abusive relationship. It could be an example of a cognitive distortion, however, as I'm going to guess that this is an accurate description of far, FAR less than 80% of guys.

 

[Ronin]

I told current mine basics because they read right extremely cloudy allusions regarding lifestyle and trauma, did not judge and did not pry.

And because we had a hilarious months isolation in different months and I was curious back what is up with THAT.

The more personal bits / things that still bite or I still care for, likely never. They are in my bag of tell and go, and most people that were a reason to open those pandoras are the wind.