Relationship How Do I Deal With The Passive Aggressive Behaviors?

[Cthulhu]

Hmm, I start to understand why I so often fit very well to military vets in the past- I'm not one of them, but the things Anthony described are exactly how my core works, too. I often spontaneously switch from one extreme to the other but am never both at the same time, passive-aggressive like my mother definitely is.

One who really accepts the sufferer as he/she is can do a really great amount of healing to him/her, maybe it's the only really healing thing, who knows. My partner has helped me a lot with that just by accepting me- he was the first person ever who did that. Some of those unhelpful behaviours fade away over time in such an environment (if one wants to work on it actively).

 

[Devyn]

I wanted to say thanks to everyone for their insights and sharing their own stories :) Specifically, thansk toAnthony for your insight on teh behavior. I think ti explain a lot. Especially because I noticed that he doesn't cut off communication completely.

Last weekend didn't totally go well and aside from being busy, I took a few days to think about things and let events unroll before I wanted to talk about it here. I apologize in advance that everytime I share a personal story it's like a novel.

Just in case it wasn't obvious, I was pretty anxious after last Friday's incident. I couldn't decide if he was being controlling/possessive/jealous or just overreacting (I feel that he tends to feel perceived abandonment and discourtesy very strongly therefore react very strongly too). When we kind of talked about it on Saturday I found out that he seemed to have thought I was changing my plans to hang out with my friends completely, but my intention was really only to cancel dinner with them but I'd planned to hang out later that night still.

Anyway. We went to the wedding on Sunday and at first it was okay. We were there early and I introduced him to my two friends who were also there early. We talked for a little while until my other friends showed up, at which point things started going downhill.

Throughout the night, I could tell things weren't quite right. To add to things, his left knee and foot were bothering him a lot because of past injuries. Around 9:30 I could tell he wanted to leave and since I wasn't totally having fun and feeling comfortable, I decided it was time to leave.

On the way back he started telling me that he felt most fo my friends (except for the first two he met) were rude because they ignored him when he tried to talk and they were being very exclusive. To be honest, after so many incidents where I questioned whether he was trying to isolate me, I immediately did not take well to his criticisms of my friends. But more importantly, I tend to be very forgiving of people and I make excuses for everyone. I could see that yes, my friends were being knid fo exclusive, but it was because it was like a mini reunion--we all went to the same college--and this was the first time we'd all been gathered at one place in 5 years. So yes, everyone was busy catching up and talking to each other.

The other thing about him is, he often picks out things about people that he can make jokes about and he did this all night (mostly just to me because he didn't want to be overbearing with his jokes in front of my friends) and some of them were directed at my friend the bride and her husband. The jokes don't immediately offend me because I have seen that he does this to everyone.

As he talked about how he badly he felt he was treated, I could tell he was pretty miffed about it. I didn't know what to say because 1) I felt he was overreacting 2) I didn't know how to tell him that without making it sound like I'm dismissing him 3) I've never been in an argument like this with a significant other. He became increasingly agitated by the fact that he felt he was talking to himself because I was mostly silent. I could tell he wanted me to say I would let my friends know that they were being rude because he wanted to know that I cared that he was being treated badly. Problem was, again, I felt he was overreacting, I do feel more loyalty towards my friends just because I've known them longer and I KNOW they're not rude people normally, so I felt stubborn about it. I didn't want to "give in" because in teh back of my mind I kept trying to analyze the situation and if I was being manipulated.

At one point after 2 hours, I said something--and I can't remember what I said--and he said, "Oh good, some attitude about what happened tonight." He got up and packed up his stuff and left the hotel room. Some minutes went by before he came back to grab one more thing and then he spent about 15 minutes giving me a piece of his mind and saying some mean things, during which time I said nothing. Eventually he left.

At this point, I figured we were breaking up. When he got home, we exchanged some texts. He sounded angry and bitter. He doesn't have a substance abuse problem (we've hung out enough that I am absolutely certain of this) but he does resort to drinking himself to sleep when he is overwhelmed by stress. From I could tell, these stressors are usually break ups. I knew he had a paper due on Thursday which I had helped him with on Saturday, so I told him good luck on his paper. He said he wasn't going to work on the paper at all and is going to drop his classes because he can't concentrate on school when he is stressed. I tried to let him know that he was a good person and I told him not to piss everything away.

We exchanged more texts in the morning. Again, I figured the relationship was over, I eventuallyt old him that I didn't feel we were compatible and I wasn't sure I could be what he watned me to be. He called me then, sounding upset that I was so ready to give up. I told him I don't see how he could still like me after some of the things he'd said the night before. I forget what all we talked about, but I let him know that I would talk to my friends about it because I do agree they weren't totally welcoming. Eventually he asked me if I wanted anything from him, because if not, then there was no reason for me to talk to them.

We decided to keep working on the relationship and he would not do anything crazy--like dropping his classes. On Tuesday he asked me to read over what he has written for his paper so far, revise it and he would finish it up. Maybe he was passively threatening with the dropping classes thing? But I know from his records that he's gotten a lot of bad grades because of stressors causing him to quit school/classes. So I don't believe he idly threats with it.

Later that day, I talked to two of the friends. One of them said he understood where my bf was coming from and wanted to apologize. The other one did not agree with that and said that they had gotten a bad vibe from the guy and they felt his jokes were inappropriate (he did tell some). And I could see where she was coming from too. I apologized for any awkwardness and I felt I did my job at conveying my bf's sentiments. He accepted my way of dealing with it but he said if my friends were ever rude to him again, he would speak up.

Oh, I forgot to mention. He had texted me after the phone call that he cared a lot about me and that he didn't mean the mean things he said, that picking people apart was his defense mechanism. That was something I knew early on and even though I had kind of forgotten, I tuned him out when he said them the night before because I knew I wasn't going to let him mess with my head if that's what he was trying to do. He never said similar things to me before and if he ever talked about an ex gf's flaw, he would always assure me not to be self-conscious about it because he didn't see that in me. So, I decided to forgive him for that. I don't like that he does that but for this incident, I can forgive. It definitely went in my possible "red flag" box though.

So to sum everything up. Basically ever since I have been in constant state of questioning myself. I keep analyzing every little thing, looking for signs. I know that if I were not in the relationship, I would be very concerned. My friends have told me to be careful. I also know that it's impossible for me to be objective in this but he is a wonderful person when he's not stressed out. It's hard to tell how much is a "reasonable" response to perceived stressors and how much is not. From what he's told me, I can tell he's come a long way since he first realized he has PTSD and he didn't blame others for the wrong things he's done because of his suffering. It just seems to me that he gets frustrated and stressed out easily and when that happens, he can overreact (or at least that's how I perceive it).

He doesn't try to dress me, prevent me from hanging out with my friends when I tell him my plans in advance, and I never think he will hit me. But he doesn't want to hang out with my friend because of Sunday and honestly, even though I know my friend will not say no to him hanging out with us, I'm pretty sure it would be uncomfortalbe (she's the one whose 6th-sense instinct told her I should be careful around him). But, like I said, at least he's not telling me not to hang out with her.

We hung out yesterday and I kind of tested him by sharing a story about my male coworker and I, to see how he would behave. His response was normal, so I feel encouraged by it. So for now, I am going to try to be positive, but vigilant. I think I am a little terrified of becoming a victim--plus I keep thinking about my friends' comments--so I might be messing with my own head a little bit.

We are supposed to go to the Renaissance Faire on Saturday, something I think he might be doing mostly because I seem so interested, so I think that's a good sign.

Anyhow. I told you it would be long. I appreciate any of you who read through it :)

 

[Devyn]

Now more in response to other posts.

I really agree with May1321. When I first met my guy, I was filled with insecurity, no small part due to feeling obssessive about him. Now I've reached a calmer stage. I remembered again that I like myself and I let him contact me but I also periodically let him know that I care a lot about him and that I'm not abandoning him (I feel that is an issue for him).

I am gladdened by him talking about his plans of taking a summer trip with his friends. I'm also working on letting him be who he is but not letting him get away with what I don't find acceptable.

Kind of echoing what May1321 said, I think it's very important to find yourself, Cthulhu. To be comfortable with who you are and know that wahtever is going on with your guy, it probably has nothing to do with you. I know what you mean about wanting to be the solid person he can trust, I feel like the last few gfs my guy's had have not been the most stable (they had history of abuse) and it makes me want to be at my best so I can be emotionally strong for him. I think if you ahdnle it right, you can really strengthen yourself and that's something you will be able to carry with you the rest of your life. It's a personal growth, and I think we're all taking a good step by being here and finding support from each other and strengthening ourselves.

Something I've been wondering about is, how do people find support in your personal lives (away from just here)? I feel like none of my friends really understand what I'm talking about. They seem to approach the problems from a "normal psyche" point of view, but I feel that is unfair to someone who is still affected by PTSD on some level everyday. As a result, I think sometimes they make me feel more anxious about talking to them, which makes me doubt if that's because I am being abused but don't know it.

And they tell me I can do better. That I don't need to "settle" for a fixer-upper, although they leave me to make my own choices. But sufferers are people who need love, too right?

 

[Abbi]

I have to say "DITTO" to Bec's post, but to be honest something really grabbed by attention.

In the week following, we established that we are in a committed, monogamous relationship. I didn't really see any issues until about a week later,

This was the week following your first meeting him off the internet knowing he has PTSD and you are "committed" and within a week there are problems. So many Red Flags on both ends honestly.

All behavior, even self destructive behavior has a payoff. What is yours? What is committed to you? What should commitment really mean?

Maybe a lot of what he is dealing with is PTSD, maybe he was like that before, who knows? You don't.

Take it from someone who has ignored a lot of Red Flags in the past...you are steaming full ahead into a bad situation for BOTH of you. You are only responsible for you, you are the only person you can change. Look at yourself first. Examine your reasons for attaching so quickly in the face of Red Flags.

You can romanticize being a carer, but many of the people on this forum in that position have years invested with someone. A common history, children, mortgages, retirements, etc. The practical and the emotional. You got a month in this...

My advice......you should mutually run from each other. That isn't meant hurtful, I don't sense you are secure enough in yourself to be in a committed relationship that is healthy for either involved. Your young...be foot loose and fancy free, develop some greater sense of self, self-esteem, security in your own skin.

Or ignore it on, stay in the pink cloud of sparks and on/off romance. Be on some forum 2-3 years later, and a child or two later going "oh my how did I get myself in this".

 

[May1321]

Hi Devyn. It's such a confusing track, I tell you... But it's helpful to sort it out yourself.

that picking people apart was his defense mechanism.

I see this A LOT in my guy. Kind of along with the "passive" side, he appears pretty shallow when I get him around situations he is uncomfortable with. He's respectful of those he's around in front of them, but he apparently is more comfortable with just me making jokes at others expense... He is paranoid to the MAX. He thinks everyone cheats, overeats, steals, or is out to get him. I don't know what to do about it. I'm at whitts end with him because he never directly attacks me. He's actually overprotective of me, but when he is comfortable, he says things that aren't necessarily supposed to be directed at me but they hurt... Like, "you're talking to me and I just feel pressure" - it makes me crazy because that isn't my intention so then I go analyzing my approach.

Just a word of advice: Be careful with the fair. Most vets can not handle crowds. It's one thing for them to be able to be in a crowd at a wedding, or in a restaurant and just "vent" or "make jokes" but a big crowd of strangers is a whole other monster and if he's displaying his kind of "defense mechanism" in these other situations, he may not be able to handle a strange crowd :( Sorry to break that to you... just be careful.

Something I've been wondering about is, how do people find support in your personal lives (away from just here)? I feel like none of my friends really understand what I'm talking about. They seem to approach the problems from a "normal psyche" point of view, but I feel that is unfair to someone who is still affected by PTSD on some level everyday. As a result, I think sometimes they make me feel more anxious about talking to them, which makes me doubt if that's because I am being abused but don't know it.

And they tell me I can do better. That I don't need to "settle" for a fixer-upper, although they leave me to make my own choices. But sufferers are people who need love, too right?

I also just wanted to add to this, too. I'm feeling this. I have a therapist and have gotten my parents at least to a point of "understanding" but they are defensive for me so I would suggest taking out a journal. Exercising to burn off the frustration and think your thoughts through without misunderstood advice.

It's really really tough and lonely at times. But I'm learning the hard way, you can't talk to 'the sufferers' about your frustration - that blows up in your face as you've seen and they say things that hurt you but they may not even remember what they said. This happened to me last night. I caught him at a bad time and for what is a normal reason but his emotions are "normal". He ripped my head off indirectly, did get mad at me for instigating it with my 'bad timing' then changed the subject, he cheered up, and I felt like a truck had just run me over.

Again - I echo "... sufferers are people who need love, too, right?" Well, I want to give it. I want to care. But he doesn't seem to want my care when I want to give it. He only wants it when he wants it. Where do we draw OUR line? And wouldn't that be abandoning them? Do we tell them? Or do we just back away? Learning process is right. Good luck, Sweetie!

 

[May1321]

Sorry... for some reason letters are getting cut off of a few of my words... such as a part where I said "comfortable" and I meant UNcomfortable, or 'his emotions are "normal"' should have read NOT normal.