Hi everyone, I've been loitering the forums for a couple days now, reading through a lot of the posts, which have helped me reach a place of relative peace as compared to before. This is my first post so I'll do some introduction as well as elaborate more on my question.
I'm 27 years old. I met my boyfriend--who is 29--about a month ago through an online dating site. He was very upfront with me from the start about his PTSD (he is an Iraq combat veteran). When we met for the first time, there was definitely instant spark and attraction. Unfortunately--in my opinion anyway--we became intimate that first night, something I generally don't think positively on in a relationship with a "regular" guy, let alone someone with a condition I really have never had to deal with.
In the week following, we established that we are in a committed, monogamous relationship. I didn't really see any issues until about a week later, I went out to dance class with my friend and he called me when we were going home. I told him that I would call him back because I felt bad talking on the phone while I'm with my friend. The rest of the night he would not pick up my calls but he would respond to my texts. I was still treating the relationship more like my past dealings with people, so I panicked a little and I asked him to call me back whenever.
The next day everything was back to normal. He would text me and he would call and pick up when I called. Fast forward to the week after. I went to get a haircut after work and left my phone in my purse. During the hour I was there, he called me 4 times but when I called back, he once again would not pick up. We communicated via text again. I was less groveling this time, having realized that I don't like that behavior. But I told him that I would be there if he wanted to talk. He said that he gets frustrated most days because of his PTSD and that he gets mean when he's frustrated.
Once again, things went back to normal after that. Another week goes by and I go on a trip with my friend, going somewhere two hours away. He had class so I didn't invite him and he was okay with that. He texted me later that day and said it was weird I didn't mention stopping by his place on the way home. I told him that I would've loved to but I didn't want to make my friend drive an hour in LA traffic just so I could see him for 5 minutes because it's not fair to her. He didn't take that very well and I panicked again. I tried to make him see how much I wanted to see him--it was the first weekend since we met I hadn't seen him--but he kept dwelling on the fact that I seemed to place her above him. There was no reasoning with him.
The following day I made the mistake of driving to his place and TELLING him about it. His knee had given out on him out of the blue and in my mind, I thought I would be giving him an option of possibly letting me help him if he could come to the door. But now I know that to him, it was far from that. I won't talk about our conversation but he basically ended up telling me to give him his space and that he would forget my actions that day.
Sorry this is getting long. Last incident happened today. I went to the store to get some much-needed shopping done. While I was there I get a text from him that said "never mind..." When I ask what happened, he said I didn't pick up the phone. I told him I never got a call and--you guessed it--once again he did not pick up when I called back. We "established" that the connection sucked in the store and that I would call him back after I was done (I'm honestly not sure what happened, but I seriously never got any calls). I was much calmer this time dealing with the panic I felt.
When I got out of the store, he still didn't pick up. I don't know if maybe his connection was the one acting up or he was ignoring my calls. I decided to not make a big deal out of it and instead text him to ask what he was doing. He answered my texts and I didn't call him again.
So, I wanted to ask if anyone has ever had to deal with someone with PTSD along with this kind of behavior. I don't really see other P/A behaviors from him in other aspects, although he does like to make everything into a joke, sometimes at my expensive. He says that's just his humor, he does that with everyone, and that having been in the military, they joke about everything. At first it really bothered me because I can be insecure when I don't feel like I'm getting enough validation and I feel extra insecure with him already because I really like him. However, in the last month I have slowly begun to realize that whatever his issues are, they have nothing to do with me. He has told me I have nothing to be insecure about and I believe that he likes me and wants to be with me. His jokes no longer bother me and I can laugh with him.
My plan is to just simply let him know that I feel hurt when he doesn't pick up my return calls when I know he's there and sometimes I freak out at that but I'm trying not to anymore. Whatever happened, I would like it if it doesn't happen again. Is that the right thing to do?
Anyway, if you stuck with the long story, I really appreciate it. I find I often have a need to present as much of the story as I could. Any help/advice or greeting would be great :)
I'm 27 years old. I met my boyfriend--who is 29--about a month ago through an online dating site. He was very upfront with me from the start about his PTSD (he is an Iraq combat veteran). When we met for the first time, there was definitely instant spark and attraction. Unfortunately--in my opinion anyway--we became intimate that first night, something I generally don't think positively on in a relationship with a "regular" guy, let alone someone with a condition I really have never had to deal with.
In the week following, we established that we are in a committed, monogamous relationship. I didn't really see any issues until about a week later, I went out to dance class with my friend and he called me when we were going home. I told him that I would call him back because I felt bad talking on the phone while I'm with my friend. The rest of the night he would not pick up my calls but he would respond to my texts. I was still treating the relationship more like my past dealings with people, so I panicked a little and I asked him to call me back whenever.
The next day everything was back to normal. He would text me and he would call and pick up when I called. Fast forward to the week after. I went to get a haircut after work and left my phone in my purse. During the hour I was there, he called me 4 times but when I called back, he once again would not pick up. We communicated via text again. I was less groveling this time, having realized that I don't like that behavior. But I told him that I would be there if he wanted to talk. He said that he gets frustrated most days because of his PTSD and that he gets mean when he's frustrated.
Once again, things went back to normal after that. Another week goes by and I go on a trip with my friend, going somewhere two hours away. He had class so I didn't invite him and he was okay with that. He texted me later that day and said it was weird I didn't mention stopping by his place on the way home. I told him that I would've loved to but I didn't want to make my friend drive an hour in LA traffic just so I could see him for 5 minutes because it's not fair to her. He didn't take that very well and I panicked again. I tried to make him see how much I wanted to see him--it was the first weekend since we met I hadn't seen him--but he kept dwelling on the fact that I seemed to place her above him. There was no reasoning with him.
The following day I made the mistake of driving to his place and TELLING him about it. His knee had given out on him out of the blue and in my mind, I thought I would be giving him an option of possibly letting me help him if he could come to the door. But now I know that to him, it was far from that. I won't talk about our conversation but he basically ended up telling me to give him his space and that he would forget my actions that day.
Sorry this is getting long. Last incident happened today. I went to the store to get some much-needed shopping done. While I was there I get a text from him that said "never mind..." When I ask what happened, he said I didn't pick up the phone. I told him I never got a call and--you guessed it--once again he did not pick up when I called back. We "established" that the connection sucked in the store and that I would call him back after I was done (I'm honestly not sure what happened, but I seriously never got any calls). I was much calmer this time dealing with the panic I felt.
When I got out of the store, he still didn't pick up. I don't know if maybe his connection was the one acting up or he was ignoring my calls. I decided to not make a big deal out of it and instead text him to ask what he was doing. He answered my texts and I didn't call him again.
So, I wanted to ask if anyone has ever had to deal with someone with PTSD along with this kind of behavior. I don't really see other P/A behaviors from him in other aspects, although he does like to make everything into a joke, sometimes at my expensive. He says that's just his humor, he does that with everyone, and that having been in the military, they joke about everything. At first it really bothered me because I can be insecure when I don't feel like I'm getting enough validation and I feel extra insecure with him already because I really like him. However, in the last month I have slowly begun to realize that whatever his issues are, they have nothing to do with me. He has told me I have nothing to be insecure about and I believe that he likes me and wants to be with me. His jokes no longer bother me and I can laugh with him.
My plan is to just simply let him know that I feel hurt when he doesn't pick up my return calls when I know he's there and sometimes I freak out at that but I'm trying not to anymore. Whatever happened, I would like it if it doesn't happen again. Is that the right thing to do?
Anyway, if you stuck with the long story, I really appreciate it. I find I often have a need to present as much of the story as I could. Any help/advice or greeting would be great :)
