Relationship How Do I Deal With The Passive Aggressive Behaviors?

[Tmcmt]

:)(hugs) Thank you for the welcome - It so lovely to get a reply! I really appreciate it.
I'm a generally positive person who refuses to let these things get me down. I'm exploring everything... alternative therapies - does that count? Of course I have not heard from him... I'm projecting that he will be willing and receptive. I trust that everything will work out though, however it must.
I'm a general flee-er and I don't like drama, I just avoid it, and relationships have been difficult, so I drown myself in my work. For once I want to face it head on and I am faced with one of the more difficult things but that's ok.
Dealing with these behaviours with love is the only way I see that can work.
By the way I do recommend A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson - very transformational. Dunno if anyone's read it.

 

[Devyn]

Hi guys.

First of all, I really want to thank you for all the responses and advice. I have meant to come back but every time I try to log in at work it wouldn't work and then I've had some really busy nights this week.

So, I hear what you're saying, Bec, and to be honest, the red flags have been my biggest fear. In the short month I've known him, I have considered whether or not he's verbally abusive, to controlling, to having borderline personality disorder. Obviously I'm not a mental health professional but I looked at the list of symptoms and I certainly see a lot of them apply to him. I find myself having trouble just saying good bye to the relationship at this point, however. I'm trying to be strong and I sort of mentally prepare myself for a break up and single life again, without him.

This last week (since the my driving up to see him incident) has been very nice. We talked on the phone a lot and there was a lot of texting. I FEEL like the relationship is more stable and that I'm much more comfortable with him.

In response to goinghope's questions to observe... I think for the most part his comments don't make me feel belittled. I feel like I'm a person who needs positive words and encouraging words all the time. So I do doubt myself when someone jokes about me. I can dismiss it easily when it comes from my long-time friends. I would not describe it as feeling belittled, however I will say certain things he jokes about makes me a little uncomfortable to be in my own skin. (For example, he said that my haircut was so Chinese, which bothers me because I AM Chinese but I don't like being too associated with Chinese... I almost feel like this could be my own issue. I just feel more self-conscious about it since he made that comment.)

I don't know if you guys really want to read everything but it'll make me feel better to write it down even if it's too long for you guys to read. This is something that happened today that

Earlier today I knew he had a doc appointment closer to my house so I asked him if he would want to hang out for a bit. Earlier in the week I had told him that I am busy Friday night because my friends are coming to town to attend a mutual friend's wedding on Sunday (a wedding he's supposed to go with me) and I'm going to be hanging out with them. We've also planned a "mini-vacation" near the wedding location by booking a hotel for two nights and I've been looking forwards to it all week.

He text me later though and we agreed to meet at the VA to play basketball together after I got off work. Everything went great, I was very comfortable just being with him and we had a lot of fun playing basketball; it felt perfect. Afterwards I told him that I was starving so we should get some food. Since neither of us really knew the city, we decided to take my car to my area where I would know it better. I decided to stop at a mall on the way back because I figured it would have more selection of eatery concentrated at one place. At this point, I've already skipped dinner with my friends, which I didn't consider a big deal. I wanted to hang out with him anyway.

While we were looking for restaurants, we wandered into the department store and after perusing for a few minutes, he said we should just grab a movie and eat pizza at my place. I wanted to but, then I realized that my established plans with my friends to go karaoking was coming up, so I wouldn't have time to watch a movie with him. I told him that and he pretty casually said well then I better just take him back to his car. Even though he didn't act mad about it, I knew something was wrong, because of previous incidents. Plus, yes, I actually did want to choose him over my friends. However, I always kind of disliked friends who would bail out because they wanted to be with their boyfriends and I didn't want to be that person.

I told him I'd call my friend to find out when exactly the karaoking would be and then we could probably still do the movie then. He said he didn't want to hang out with eyes on the clock. On the way back to the car I said a few times that I'd like to watch the movie with him but he just said that the moment's passed.

We drove in silence back to his car. Before he left I asked him to tell me he was not mad at me. His demeanor was normal, but he just said, "Goodbye."

At this point of the story I'm not sure why I even typed it out. We exchanged texts later and he said that I never chose him over anyone in my life. That it was rude for me to even casually say hi to coworkers/boss who walk by while I'm on the phone with him at the office, or that I have to put him on hold really quickly when my family calls. I KNOW this is not normal and that it is not reasonable. But I feel like I can't see clearly enough to feel mad about it. I keep wondering if maybe this is BPD and he just felt abandoned... especially in one text he said, sarcastically I'm sure, that clearly he wanted to be abandoned so I can do karaoking and have fun (because I asked him to explain what exactly he expected of me).

Intellectually I am telling myself to "Get out!" and snap out of it. But I'm acting like a fool, blaming myself, even though I know he is exhibiting controlling and isolating behaviors and I don't know that anything I do will be ever be enough. I feel like any time I don't pay attention to him when he expects my undivided attention and time, I'm letting him down, putting him last. He said that last thing he needed was another girl who put him last in her life. It is clearly not true but he will not see that.

I know part of the reason I don't want everything to go down the crappers right now is because of the wedding. It's not because I'll be going alone when I RSVP'ed with a guest. But it's because I'm not ready to cut him from my life and I don't want to be miserable for my college roommate's wedding. I do care about him and I can see that all his failed relationships before probably failed largely due to his behavior and maybe I'm holding out this naive hope that I could somehow help him see that and we could work on it. Or I could help him see that he needs to work on whatever issue he has in order to have the successful relationship that he has been looking for.

Who knows, maybe it is just selfishness that I want this to work out. I guess for now I will see what happens tomorrow. I'm about ready to look into my counseling benefits, because for the first time in my life, I feel like I need the guidance of a professional, or at least just someone I can talk to without fear of judgment. You guys are great and I know you don't judge people. But there's so much wall of text you can read!

Sorry for another long post. I think it's longer than the first.

So, depending on how the weekend plays out, I don't know when I can get on here to read/respond to replies, but I do appreciate and value every single response.

 

[Devyn]

Oh and to Tmc.... I wish I had any sort of useful advice for you. My relationship with my guy is so messed up (I'm fearful that he has a controlling personality, in which case it's just about control and not about loving me) and at least with yours I feel like he is just afraid to of what the relationship means to him. And I can certainly understand your willingness to face it: it's what I decided I want to do.

I hope that he at least gives you the chance to let your relationship continue moving and give the chance to work out.

Sorry it's late, I keep adding on stuff because I forget.

Now in reply to May: what you said is so true. About giving short responses and just saying, "Yes I am. But I like me." That's the approach I started taking and I've been working on building my own self confidence so I'm not so insecure with every perceived criticism. It's what enabled me to be comfortable with him again (before the incident that I described anyway).

You had some really good point, especially in that last paragraph. I fully agree with it. I'm definitely working on liking myself for who I am and strengthening myself that way :)

 

[Tmcmt]

Oh Devyn, I think it's great that you can use this format to at least get things out - it's good, but I agree with you that you need some professional sessions.
Healing is a very intricate process.. it's step by step.. it's heart wrenching and scary. I also have healthy skepticism for professionals and I am open to different opinions. Just get it out of your system.

Take care of you most of all, your mind, your spirit. I am a firm believer in that.
I took a long time off from relationships to take care of myself, to find out what I needed.
I do not tolerate disrespect. If you feel uncomfortable, it's for a reason. Use your gut. (I should talk!) Talk it through. If you find that he is unresponsive... I'm sorry ptsd or not, whatever it is, if he's not responsive I think that's a fair warning sign. Enormous red flag.

Update from the mess that was Thur/Fri morning. He's stablish for now.. lots of work to do on his own but I'm by his side giving him both support and space to grow (hopefully). He's buckled up and stated that he wants to get better and make a life for us. I'm moving with faith, ever forward, and whatever happens with us, I will be happy with that. If he was being a donkey about being an adult I'd be re-evaluating things. Fortunately I have myself a very responsive man and it's helpful for us both.

Love yourself!

 

[valdoodle]

I wish I could put some positive feedback here but instead I would like to put my experience as a warning of where it can go. Looking back my relationship was tokenly loving but mainly controlling/isolating. If I did something to make me happy he would throw in a 'knock me down' comment like he had seen another woman or similar to flatten me. I trod on egg shells for 14 years. Once when my children visited in the early days, he stormed out of the house and did not come back all night. If I visited a friend he would go missing for ages then turn up with the best excuse ever making me feel confused. I was never allowed peace of mind. I tried harder and harder because I thought he did not like his own company. He had very intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. I tried to entertain him by getting football tickets, arranged fishing trips, concerts, holidays (but always where he said, not me), anything to keep us 'normal'. It was good while these things were happening. I worked hard so we could have a home and pay the bills to remove worry and stress.

Gradually he wanted these things for himself (without me). He got football tickets for a big match and took someone else. I was gutted. Gradually he withdrew his affection (saying he did not do affection) from me. He just gave me enough to keep me hanging on. I felt like an emotional wreck. On the outside I cope. Inside I am emotionally sick.

Now, this is the hard part for me. After being his 'carer' and supposed 'love of his life' for 14 years he has found himself somewhere to live and moved out because I said 'no other women' and he demands to 'do what he wants with his body'. Initially, it was supposed to be short term. Then on Thursday, he sent me a text saying not to phone him or he would change his phone, not to visit him or he would move again. Friday morning, he apologised. Now, I think I was right all along. He wanted our home with the stability and the life I gave him but not the physical me. He now leaves me crying and 'goes home'. Today, Sunday, he had lunch with his ex partner at her request (mother of his daughter) and knows this upset me because I have been asking him to take me out for a year.

Like you, I phone and get no answer. I text and get rare replies. I feel like a fool. I can not do this any more. PTSD or not, this is wrong. However nice this man is, and he is lovely. Heart is broken. I am so lonely. This is not right. My happiness should not depend on someone else's 'good day' and approval of my behaviour.

I hope this does not sound too negative. I would just like to prevent anyone ending up, like me, wondering what the hell happened. :eek:

 

[Cthulhu]

I understand his behaviour very well- I kind of act the same when in a relationship to someone with a healthy circle of friends (that's why I decided at some point in my life to never again start a close relationship with such a person- it's just not fair).
It's just that I am not capable of having such a circle of persons close to me- I just can have this one person- black or white, all or nothing. And if this one very important person privileges his/her friends... Well- what's the point of our relationship? Why should I invest my emotions that badly into a person that doesn't do the same?

I know that 'normal' people are capable of having close relationships to more than one person. I don't want to be jealous, I conciously repress this part of myself because I hate it. But as I start doing so my inner connection to that person starts to fade- I distance myself from him or her and that's it.

I don't know if there's a future for the two of you, you're very different from each other. Don't let him pull you into his own personal isolation, it would neither help him nore would it be healthy for you. I know 'cause I experienced this more than once without wanting to harm the one I Ioved. It just didn't work out.

 

[valdoodle]

Cthulhu your post made me see another point of view very different to my own, thank you. I think it started when I went to visit my daughter for 4 days. When I came home he had fallen apart somehow and wouldn't talk about it, saying it didn't matter. I felt terrible and tried to put things right. I had phoned every day but it was expensive from Europe. He never physically loved me after that. 2 years ago. I have told him that since I met him I have never even considered another man because he was the one, but that wasn't enough. I offered to give up my job to be with him all the time. He didn't want that either, it was too late possibly? I just don't understand how it is possible to love someone and then hurt them then drop them completely.

I don't know now whether to keep in touch with him or just make a complete break. It is so hard when I desperately miss him. I just know that the longer this goes on the more our connection is breaking. I don't want to be just another Ex after 14 years. We went through such hell together and came out the other side it is difficult to let go. It must mean something to him? Are people's needs so different?

 

[anthony]

This is actually very normal behaviour, especially for veterans. Its actually not passive / aggressive as such, as that is a primary behaviour where the person insults you in a passive way. The behaviour type, if you want a name for it, is called "Alternating" behaviour, where a person is normally one behaviour, ie. Assertive, but they then alternative frequently between being Passive OR Aggressive, but not Passive / Aggressive. Veterans are extremely typical of alternating between those two, then all other times being assertive in nature due to military training.

Some is to do with PTSD, some is to actually do with military training. Both have to be worked on for change...

I am a veteran myself, and I have been actively working on this for years myself... it is constant work.

We actually all use all behavioural types, ie. passive, aggressive, passive / aggressive and assertive, and even alternate at times... very normal that every one is used at points within our lives, daily / weekly, however; we will always be one most, which is our behavioural type. People should not confuse this with personality, as behaviour is not personality, and behaviour can be changed from one to the other as primary use.

I still at times, can instinctively flick into alternating as it was a huge part of my life, 10 years, within the military. You are training to be reserved, then at the voice of command, shift to aggressive. It takes lots of practice to change, lots of behavioural learning and identification in situations, slowly implementing change day by day, month by month, and over the years, the military alternating behaviour changes out for the majority.

PTSD just really heightens alternating behaviour!

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi, Devyn, welcome to the forum.

I have my hand in two sides of this pie, sort of. The ignoring/obsessive calling/starting an issue and then not responding is something that both I have done and two of my past boyfriends have done, both of whom had PTSD. In myself, I would say that this is a fear of abandonment/control reaction. Little as I'd like to admit it, I've definitely used methods like this to control those I care deeply for as a way to ensure that they care about me, that they didn't want to leave me all alone or forget about me. I don't know if this is what your sufferer is experiencing, but I can say that from the other side of things, when methods like this have been used on me they have often been extremely effective at controlling me and leading to serious relationship problems, which are often rooted in trust, which is sometimes the worst kind of difficulty. Be honest with him about how his actions make you feel and what you would prefer to see in the future. I am worried that if you are continually treated this way it could influence your agency in the relationship as well as reinforce negative behaviors in him. I still do many things today that are some form of this kind of behavior (suddenly flipping out over something small when I feel he's ignored me all day, getting defensive and angry about some favor he's doing someone because I've asked him for months to do X, Y, and Z for me which aren't even important) and work on these all the time so that my partner and I can have a healthy, strong, mutually joyful relationship. The best part of recognizing bad behavior is making new ones that actually make you feel better and brighter. Good luck!

 

[May1321]

Dealing with these behaviours with love is the only way I see that can work.

Hi Tmcmt! I agree here... it is the toughest thing for us as "supporters" to do... but I went away this weekend and just really got quiet within myself long enough to sort through 'What really makes ME happy? What kind of guy am I truly attracted to? Am I attracted/in love with my "sufferer" because of some of these similar habis of control, etc. that he appears to possess? Do I really believe that is him??" My answer was NO, and I DO know what really makes me happy... I started to make a list... of reasons why I "love" myself, and my life, AND my sufferer.

Stepping back, because he wants the space is fine. Take it or leave it. It is not my war but I take care of myself FIRST and when it is upon my heart of hearts, I let him know he is wonderful, or that I'm thinking about him. BUT, ALSO upon my heart of hearts - when I listen - I know I should NOT text him, or call him... that he needs to be let be because the reasons I'm trying to contact him is personal "fear" of losing him... losing his 'love' that isn't truly there at that time, more than likely. ... not when he's being 'nagged'. Funny thing is, he comes around, and I've regained some self-love for myself than two steps backwards.

Good luck with your journey!!! Take care of you!! You will in the end be better for taking care of him... if he is what you want in the end... but it is about "us" being strong because cannot handle our weakness when they already feel week ... they need all the love - especially from a distance - that we can send to them :)

 

[May1321]

Devyn... it's such a tough space... but if we think about it... better take care of us today so we are better for 'whatever happens' in the future. Like Anthony mentioned, these are definitely "learned" behaviours that can change. Maybe he acts the way he is because of the way he was raised, or trained, or learned from past relationships. By you - which BRAVO for continuing on - sticking to your committments with friends, and yourself, he is either going to adjust to your behaviours or not. By you not enabling his behaviour and saying, (as some other mentioned) I don't appreciate this, he has the choice to change or not.

The end result, hard to instill in ourselves but so valuable I believe in the long run, is his actions and choices in the end have to do with what he wants... not you.

Short example:... My 'sufferer'/boy friend ... I'm so confused on where we stand and just allow him to be whatever he wants to be in my presence when we have the opportunity because I feel right now this is important. We see each other 'very' rarely but once in a while we sit down and he let's loose things on his mind. He "apparently" isn't supposed to see me which is difficult, but last time we talked I explained that I will not tolerate his dishonesty even if it means him avoiding me. Strangely enough, he texts me when it may appear (I'm guessing) that I could catch him in the act - even though it doesn't matter to me. I value that he realizes this is important even if he may not realize why. He's very confused right now, but he's coming to me to me and even tho it is in passing, tells me about things that are going on in his life/therapy that are obviously making him uncomfortable. Then he avoids me for a bit because he's told not to be around me but he wants to be around me so he needs time to sort out what he wants.

The process is sooooo back and forth and super confusing - I know... but if he's getting help, you have to hope he's getting the best help possible. In the mean time... keep taking care of you and loving YOU... the more you love yourself and take care of yourself, the easier it will be to love this person whether you stay together or not... To love and support is going to help dissipate the pain much faster than if you didn't allow yourself to be you in this time first and foremost :)))

Best of luck, Sweetie! Keep talking it out... here... this and running for me has really helped :)))

 

[valdoodle]

Thank you for your experience and knowledgeable advice May 1321 and Anthony. We met and had a productive and hopefully beneficial time tonight. I took on board the military aspect Anthony, the two parts of his personality now make sense to me. He says he wants to be the pre-military 'soft' side of him but at the same time hates this side of him's vulnerability and weakness. He calls this side of him 'knobhead' even tho I've said I love his gentle side. I think the extremely tough, ruthless, harsh and unforgiving side is the military training. I admire these qualities also and they make me feel safe with him and I think they make him feel safe too. I feel this is the shell he retreats into when he feels threatened. Tonight tho we were both calm. We discussed the forum and I shared the advice I have learned. He liked that I had been trying to find some help for our desperate situation.

May1321 your advice on how to react and live was so right. I agree about contacting him by txt or phone. It is not for his benefit but for me to either express my feelings (not always good ones) or check out what he is doing and let him remember I exist! Neither of these are good or genuine reasons for contact. I will try harder to be genuine and concentrate on creating my own life. Trust is a huge issue with someone who has been let down for 20 years by the military and civilian life. I just wanted to be that one solid person he could trust. Anyway. A good, peaceful talk tonight. Sad when he said he was going home but it is what it is. I will have to try harder to look after me otherwise I will have nothing to give. Grateful thanks to you all for sharing your stories, experience and advice. :tup: