How Do I Go About Reporting Sexual Abuse By My Teacher?

[Lesmall]

Hi, my name is Laura and I'm 19 years old living in Australia. For over two years I was in an abusive sexual relationship with my trombone teacher. Now I am going to report him. But I have no idea what the process is.

Before I delve in I'll give you a bit of background info. When I was 13 years old I was raped by a stranger at a party. This was obviously a traumatic experience, and as I was scared of getting into trouble I never told anyone. I developed severe depression and started self-harming. On several occasions I attempted suicide. I developed an addiction to ecstasy, when I was 14, but realised that it was destroying the shred of good left in my life so kicked the habit. My family life has always been good, with incredibly supportive parents and two amazing siblings. I guess one thing that's been really hard for me has been to stop blaming myself for what happened, and to stop blaming myself for being depressed. I always feel like there's so many people out there that have it worse than me, so why should I feel so sad. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that this is a chemical imbalance in my brain, and it isn't something I can fix by myself.

When I was 15 I told one of my good friends Daniel about the rape. I trusted him and it was getting too hard for me to deal with on my own. He was 21 at the time and was also my trombone teacher. He was very supportive and urged me to get counseling or search for help. Over time I opened up to one of the teachers at school and started counseling and therapy. By the age of 17 I was on anti-depressants and well on the road to moving on with my life.

But during the years from when I was 15, until when I was 17, Daniel started a sexual relationship with me. I didn't particularly want to be in a relationship with him, all I really wanted was our friendship to stay how it was. He was a great teacher and I thought he was a good friend, and at the time I didn't feel like I could afford to lose any friends. Daniel put me in a position where it was either sex or nothing. He exploited me sexually and used his position as a teacher to undermine my confidence and force me into a relationship. I always knew it was wrong, but I have blamed myself for a long time. When I was 17 he moved to Sydney so the relationship, and therefore the abuse, stopped. I never told anyone official because I was so terrified of the consequences.

I thought that I'd be able to forget, or move on with my life. But for so long it was so difficult to do that. I didn't blame Daniel, I blamed myself. And I also still thought I wanted to be friends. I thought maybe things could go back to how they had been. He still had such a powerful grip on me mentally, and I couldn't escape that. I started to open up to an old friend of mine, who had always been really supportive. Mark was like a big brother, because he was older than me and always looked out for me.

A few days ago Mark and I caught up, and he asked me about Daniel. Because I wasn't the only one. Daniel was a predator. A creep who used to abuse students, male and female. I hadn't realized the extent of it. I didn't think I was the only one, but I didn't realize how many people he had abused, and how many of them I knew. And more importantly how many people had come before me, and not done anything about it. They failed me. Because maybe if one of them had the courage to stand up he never would have got to me.

And I can no longer allow myself to be another victim who allows him to continue. Because he won't stop. And I could never forgive myself if I let him go ahead and continue to do what he has done.

But I don't know what the process is on reporting, and how long it will take. And in fact I don't know if they'll believe me, or if they'll find enough evidence. Can anyone help me? Has anyone been through something similar and knows what the police will do? Please get in touch if you think you can help. I really want to stop this bastard before he manages to abuse anymore innocent kids that are vulnerable to him.

Please help, and thanks for reading.
Laura

 

[Queen Boudica]

Welcome Laura. Your bravery and courage and determination to put your life back together has touched my heart.

I'm sorry that I personally cannot offer any advice on how to report this guy. You may find that once you come forward the others he has abused will be brave enough to do so too. I just wanted to say that you are very couragious and you are doing the right thing thinking of others, especially after all you have been through. That is remarkable.

I am so glad you have a loving supportive family. Do you have a therapist or a counsellor, perhaps they can offer advice? There must be places to advice you on the process, maybe citizen's advice is a starting point.

I think that the Police will see someone who is a couragious, brave person. I think they will believe you because of the way you present yourself as honest, courageous and caring. I wish you all the luck you deserve.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Laura,

You are very brave. Do you know any of the others that were abused by him? Are there any you could approach and see if they would be willing to come forward? If you don't want to put pressure on them you could just say that you were abused and are asking around to see if anyone has any evidence that they would be willing to share so that he can be put away. Just an idea.

I am afraid I am not much help but hopefully someone else will be able to contribute more.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Laura,

I'm 23 and living in Australia as well, here is a big hug for standing up for yourself and doing what's right.
You've obviously had a rough journey by the sounds of things, but stay strong, it will get better.

There are 2 things you need to do.

1. If you are comfortable with your local police station, go there, and tell the Constable/Sargeant at the front desk that you would like to talk to a female member of uniform, and tell them it's in regard to a sexual crime.
You shouldn't need to be more specific than that.

Before you go to the police station, write yourself a few notes, a brief history like you have done here in your post, the offender's name, age, previous and current location, and about how it started.
Also mention to them that you have spoken to someone else who, by the sounds of it, has run afoul of this person also. But make it clear that you don't know if they will talk to police yet.

As much as this is about you, and making the world aware of a potential asshole, the smoother you make your experience with police, the easier it may make it for others to back you up when they see that you were taken seriously.
Now, for the love of God, please realize that there are some clueless assholes in the Police force, and if they brush you off, KEEP TRYING. Sexual abuse education for officers is massively lacking, and they can either be really good, or incompetent idiots.

Please, as someone who has personally put someone away for pedophilia, don't expect too much, reporting someone for a sexual crime is the best thing you can do, once you have it off your chest, it will help. The legal system is not severe for sexual offenders, and if you get your hopes up, it's going to hurt. Trust me, I've been there.
That being said, it DOES help to have them on the system, and have people aware of what happened. Don't ever be ashamed of what someone did to you, RAPISTS & ABUSERS HURT, AND VICTIMS SUFFER. It is always the way, and you DO NOT need to be carrying around the guilt for another person.

As I've said to a friend before, the only person who should have to carry around shit is an asshole, and you are NOT the asshole.
Here is another thing for you to consider, the younger the offender, the more shocking it is to society, and the more notice people will take.

You may need to speak to the police several times to help them fill out details, but please don't let this deter you. If you need support and assistance, please message me, I've been through this before, and I'm more than happy to talk you through and be someone to talk to if you want it.

Laura, I'll be honest, they may not have enough evidence, and it may be dropped. But YOU HAVE TO TRY. He ISN'T going to stop as you yourself said, and you will fail yourself if you don't try to do something. If you at least say something, then you have at least helped yourself.

The only consequences if you DON'T report this is it sitting on your mind, and hanging over you like a cloud. When I reported one of my abusers, no one believed me, BUT IF I HAD GONE TO THE POLICE, INSTEAD OF KEEPING IT QUIET LIKE MY BOSS ASKED, it could have been VERY different.

2. Go find yourself a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist. You will need the support while you go through this process, and someone to vent to. Don't go it alone, because just someone to bounce thoughts, fears and events off is very helpful. It may also help your court case down the track if it gets brought against him.

Your healing process that is documented is useful, because it will show that there was damage to heal from, namely this bottom feeder who has exploited your vulnerabilities.
If you don't find a counsellor or professional that you 'click' with, and like, don't give up, keep trying. I've been through MANY professionals before finding someone I liked and trusted, and you strike me as someone who will keep searching until she finds what she needs.

You have a lot of internal common sense, and you are smart, use this to your advantage, and help yourself to learn about this pretty rotten period and come back stronger.

I'm not sure what else to add, my brain is a little fried, but private message (PM) me if you need more help, and I'll do what I can.

FYI, not many people know this, but I'm actually the daughter of an ex copper who was quite abusive. I know what it is like not to be believed, and have to deal with assholes. Hang in there, I'm here if you need me.

Bubzie

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello Laura,
You have been exploited terribly and I commend you for you brave stance on this issue. This is my advice, it is not legal advice as such but I have dealt with victims of rape and I can give you a basic idea of what procedures may take place.

First of all though, you must wipe your mind of feeling guilty, blameworthy or anything to do with self harm, self blame...it is not your fault. Having wonderful parents and siblings is great, many victims of sexual assault come from similar backgrounds.

Remember, these men are predators, they KNOW how to tap into young minds and turn things back onto them encouraging them to blame themselves when all the while it is the predator doing his evil best to protect himself from being caught or any allegations made against them. But, the truth of it is, they gain your trust and then abuse and they are criminals.

One thing is certain, you are about to embark on what may be a long and arduous journey but the overwhelming certainty is that you will be able to discard the cloak of 'victim' and possibly save other children from the dreadful experiences you have suffered.

The first thing you must do, according to my mind, is tell your parents. Tell them you need to have several hours with them alone for something very important so your siblings can be free of the house when you tell your Mun and Dad. Of course you know that your siblings will probably come to know in time and may well be a wonderful support with your parents as you go through this process.

I know you probably are reluctant to tell your parents, but you have to. They may not take the news well. Because, as parents and being one myself, protecting our children from anything and everything is maybe one of our number one things we try to do. So, it may be hard for them to get a grip of what has happened, but tell them you must. They may ask you lots of personal questions, such as why did you not tell them. Tell them the truth, tell them why. Parents tend to blame themselves and wonder how they did not see this happening to you. Do not worry, if they are good parents as you have said, they will soon turn to what has to be done and when. I think if you have suffered from depression, self harm and attempts at suicide...they might finally find out what has caused their beautiful daughter to suffer so much. Do not expect them to understand immediately, you have lived with this terror a long, long time. They are just finding out about it, so be calm, be clear and tell them you do need their support. If they refuse, it is not a lost cause, keep your resolve to inform the Police and move on with that. Your parents might take a while, but if they see you doing what you feel you must do, they may well come around and be your strongest allies.

I don't think you should talk to other possible victims before you have reported this to the Police. Mainly because this is not a social media discussion, this is your life. The Police are well trained to approach other students or young people and make their own inquiries in a discreet and professional manner. Remember, this is about you and the other victims may not be in the same space you are. The Police will know how to get the necessary records of every child that has been with these predators and they will deal with each and every other victim in the necessary legal way.

After you have told your parents, if they do not offer to take you to the Police, then that is sad but it is not the end of the matter. Tell them you are going to report the matter to the Police and proceed with that.

As for evidence. When you tell the Police they will take a statement from you and it will take quite a long time to do that. So, go when you are feeling fresh and ready for a long discussion. Along with your statement, they may ask you all manner of questions which to you, may not seem relevant. Do not worry, they will need to know a lot of information to proceed with an investigation. Ask them any questions you like, such as what will happen next and what they are going to do in terms of other potential victims. They will let you know anything they can legally tell you.

Just because there is no physical evidence does not in any way reduce or negate your experiences. Many predators are successfully prosecuted without physical evidence. Just always, always tell the truth, no matter how personal it is, because predators of this nature often say the same thing or do the same things in their endeavors to manipulate their victims. If for instance you cannot remember something immediately or you become upset, tell the Police officer that you are feeling that way and you may have to take a break or go home and come back....whatever the case, remember the Police understand.

More than likely you will be referred to a Police officer from a particular department of the Force that deals exclusively with child exploitation or rape, so it probably will not be the uniformed officer in reception who will deal with you. But, that is your starting point.

The fact that a predator has moved away is of no consequence, investigations of this nature cross borders and jurisdictions so the Police will deal with that.

If or when you have made your statement, they may want a doctor to examine you. Do not be alarmed, they will organize for a Doctor who is experienced in this area. Do not worry if you have had other 'partners' but do be honest and tell the Police, remember always tell the Police the truth, it will be hard but is totally necessary.

You are right when you wonder if there are any other victims, my gut says there would be, so going to the Police is really important. If you do not think you can go alone to the Police, ask a trusted female friend but only if you cannot get help from your parents. Oh, if you do not feel comfortable talking in front of someone, say so and possibly they can be excused for a few moments. Remember though that 'people' will find out. It is ironic really because predators bank on their victims keeping the exploitation 'secret' so nobody gets to know and unfortunately in this kind of crime secrecy by victims allows predators to keep doing it. But be brave and move on. There is now a lot of protection legally for victims of this kind of crime.

I could go on and on but I will leave it there. Be brave young lady and do what you think is right. I wish you well and a new future where you can stop these predators from ever being allowed to be near children.

blackemerald1

 

[Abstract]

Do you have such a thing as "victims support" in Australia?

 

[HëllaBubz]

I'm pretty sure that we do have that here, I'll have to go look into it for Laura.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Laura,

I'd suggest you contact your local women's abuse agency, and speak to them. They deal with this all the time. They can be there as you report the abuse so the officers do not traumatize you further through their questioning. Few officers have the training on how to do a trauma-informed report-taking.

It is crucial to have a supporter throughout this process. You are not to blame.

It also is not normal for a 15 year old girl to be permitted to have a 21 year-old male 'friend.' Were your parents aware of him? A healthy 21 year old male doesn't seek the company of high schoolers. You'll want your women's advocate to know about him, too. He also abused you.

I'm sorry for all you have endured. Telling their secrets is difficult, brave, triggering, and eventually very freeing. Be kind to yourself as you seek healing. You deserve a happy, healthy life.

 

[anthony]

Police Laura, that is your immediate avenue. Nothing legal is going to happen without going to them. You could absolutely talk with a women's shelter and see if a social worker or such from there will go with you, as they know the system.

Here is the problem. The first rape, 13 years of age at a party... unless there are witnesses, OR, the person admits it, nothing will happen because of the time between then and now as it becomes your word against his. It is literally a he said, she said, situation now because no evidence can be collected, DNA, so forth... all non-existent.

The second event is vastly different, due to age. That puts him squarely into pedophilia due to ages / sexual assault of a minor. Regardless of the wording... if the police find a history in other students, the first... if not, the second. As outlined above, the outcome may not be what you want, being life in jail or such... it won't happen. Australia does not use a criminal system of punishment, but more trying to reform combined with punishment, thus we have shorter punishments and more emphasis placed on helping the person reform so they don't recommit. It works as a majority, with its obvious failures (Jill Meagher being a recent failure example), yet that doesn't often appease the victims obviously.

Report him and hold your ground... see what pops out. At the worst, nothing happens EXCEPT that he will have a record of it attached to him for life, which if he reoffends it can help them get him next time.

I honestly believe there should be more like you, report the bastards.

 

[HëllaBubz]

What Anthony said. And Laura, the guy I helped put away was the same age as your abuser. Unfortunately this age group likes them young, and I have heard of this scenario all too often here in Australia.

Bloom is right about finding an advocate, I can help you find someone to go with you if you want, that may cut down on further distress for you.

 

[Lesmall]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your support! And also for your advice and experiences. I have a counsellor and psychologist that I see on a regular basis for support and have been moving through some of my issues with them. Mairead is one of them and she will come with me if I ask her to. I know it's going to be a long process, and I also am well aware that it may not yield any results. Even just having made a statement means that in future it will be on file. I know they might not have enough evidence, and even if they do that he might not get put away. But I feel like I need to do something. Even if the only result is that some of his students swap teachers, then at least I've protected someone, right?

I don't really feel comfortable telling my parents. I told them about the rape, and that nearly broke them. I don't know if they would cope with this. We'll see. Maybe someday I will, but in the here and now I don't think I can.

Thanks again for all your help. I feel a bit better about doing it now that I sort of know what the process will be. If I have any questions I'll PM you guys or post a comment asking.

Laura

 

[HëllaBubz]

Great stuff Laura.

I had a feeling that you didn't want to speak to your parents, hence why I didn't suggest it.

Glad you are feeling so positive, with lots of support around you, so good luck and let us know how you go.