SimplyComplex
Gold Member
I forced myself to write in the beginning...I didn't write names down anywhere, kept it very anonymous. There was the fear that it could be linked to me, and I was sharing way too many secrets. I would hide my writings, and even check on them. But I still made myself write. I decided to do what my T asked me to do, even if I didn't like it. And I quickly learned that she was right on with her advice. It was very helpful to get the secrets out. Helpful but scary and painful. By far it is the most important tool I have in my recovery.
Losing the fear someone would read them came in two steps. One was finding self compassion. This was turning point for me in my therapy. I am not at fault for the abuse I suffered. I did not cause it. And my reactions to it was an effort to survive. I was helpless against the circumstances in my life. Everything I did was all in the name of survival. And the problems I developed, like anxiety, are the result of those circumstances that were outside of my control. I was not flawed or weak, I was being as strong as I humanly could be. If I have compassion for myself, then I don't have to carry that tremendous shame that causes so much fear in sharing my story.
The second was refusing to keep the secrets anymore. My abusers forced me to keep secrets to hide their shame. But I refuse to do it anymore. If people find out my story, then they are learning the secrets that expose my abusers, not me. I refuse to hold the secrets and I insist on holding my abusers accountable for their actions. I wont do it any more.
I sound super confident in my last 3 paragraphs, and sometimes I am. But as I reprocess a new set of traumas, I struggle again with self-compassion and holding others accountable. But what I wrote is where I am...often. But surely where I am when it comes to writing. At this point I don't really care if people find what I write. I don't share it with anyone beside T, and only what I want to. If someone was to break my confidence and read it without permission, it is an indication of their character, not of mine. So I don't really worry as much. There also is something to be said for me realizing I am sharing my truth. I am not lying. I am not "crazy" and I did not make things up I think that also came with time and a whole lot of validation for my T.
So I guess it is a process. Looking at my experience I would give the gentle advice to push a bit harder, but do what you feel like you need to do to maintain safety. Still, push yourself into uncomfortable spots.
And thanks so much for this topic. My husband is in therapy (his t has brought up PTSD as well but I don't know if it his dx) and she wanted him to write and he has refused. I have been really upset with him, but writing this out really helped me to see what a long and painful process it can be, and what were some of my barriers. It will help me understand my husband better. Thanks!
Losing the fear someone would read them came in two steps. One was finding self compassion. This was turning point for me in my therapy. I am not at fault for the abuse I suffered. I did not cause it. And my reactions to it was an effort to survive. I was helpless against the circumstances in my life. Everything I did was all in the name of survival. And the problems I developed, like anxiety, are the result of those circumstances that were outside of my control. I was not flawed or weak, I was being as strong as I humanly could be. If I have compassion for myself, then I don't have to carry that tremendous shame that causes so much fear in sharing my story.
The second was refusing to keep the secrets anymore. My abusers forced me to keep secrets to hide their shame. But I refuse to do it anymore. If people find out my story, then they are learning the secrets that expose my abusers, not me. I refuse to hold the secrets and I insist on holding my abusers accountable for their actions. I wont do it any more.
I sound super confident in my last 3 paragraphs, and sometimes I am. But as I reprocess a new set of traumas, I struggle again with self-compassion and holding others accountable. But what I wrote is where I am...often. But surely where I am when it comes to writing. At this point I don't really care if people find what I write. I don't share it with anyone beside T, and only what I want to. If someone was to break my confidence and read it without permission, it is an indication of their character, not of mine. So I don't really worry as much. There also is something to be said for me realizing I am sharing my truth. I am not lying. I am not "crazy" and I did not make things up I think that also came with time and a whole lot of validation for my T.
So I guess it is a process. Looking at my experience I would give the gentle advice to push a bit harder, but do what you feel like you need to do to maintain safety. Still, push yourself into uncomfortable spots.
And thanks so much for this topic. My husband is in therapy (his t has brought up PTSD as well but I don't know if it his dx) and she wanted him to write and he has refused. I have been really upset with him, but writing this out really helped me to see what a long and painful process it can be, and what were some of my barriers. It will help me understand my husband better. Thanks!
