How Do I Stop Feeling Ashamed/angry At Everything? They Got Away With What They Did With No Revenge

[Glen Myers]

If you've already read my story/given me advice then this isn't anything really new other than some of the events I want to get off of my chest. I need to write these things down every once in a while so yeah here goes nothing...

When I was really young (elementary school/middle school) I wanted more than anything to be popular and be a trouble maker. I don't know why but I always idolized bad types of people even though my parents did the best they could to raise me despite their financial troubles/personal problems. We weren't dirt poor but we almost got evicted a couple of times and I could never have the same things the other kids had (cell phone at a young age, ipod, newest gaming console) so I was really spiteful. Emotionally though they were really loving and would of done anything for me, they still would.

I went through many different phases in my childhood but they all somehow involved trying to put a tough/emotionless image and being sort of an antagonist. I can honestly say the biggest influence on me was the media. I'm not blaming my parents but in hindsight, If I were them I would of kept a close eye on what I was watching... I had my own T.V. and computer in my room and I would stay up until 3 A.M. watching violent T.V. shows and music videos idolizing criminals. I was only 10-14 and my parents weren't there to say anything about what was right or wrong, I know we're supposed to be born with a sense of ethics and what not but I also believe a big part of it is people's parents playing an involved role in explaining the world to them. The truth was, I could only act the part. I'm really scared to fight physically. But I still wanted to hangout with the bad kids because I wanted a reputation of being associated with them.

The people I hung out with are really hard to describe. At first we were just skater kids who did stupid pranks, broke into abandoned buildings that were closed of by the authorities and cursed at security guards. The type of kids that really make you wonder how they could act like that, even if "they're young". To be honest the whole time they did those things I was kind of nervous/annoyed and they were in their own environment. I just wanted to have a bad boy image of a skater but not actually do stupid shit.

Over time I became a little desensitized to being scared while doing stupid things but never got over my fear of fighting. Within that group people would mess with me a little at first, then it got worse and they eventually used me as a scapegoat for when they got in trouble (they never ratted me out but they blamed me for why they got caught and verbally ganged up on me) and teasing me about how i was a little over weight. They weren't considerate about my feelings nor were they genuine friends. One day when we were having a water fight they call urinated into a bucket and poured it on me, they laughed until their guts hurt and didn't feel any remorse for me. The only response they would of actually respected was me physically fighting but I can't because i'm scared. They didn't have any sympathy at all and thought it was fine because I couldn't fight. It didn't matter that I was yelling at them at the top of my lungs.

Over time we started associating ourselves with kids that moved in from bad neighborhoods. We started dressing more "ghetto" or whatever you would call it, The type of music we listened to and stuff we did changed for the worse. Some people left the group and found other kids to skate with that just wanted to do have fun and do stupid things, not actually emulate being thugs. When these kids came into town, I was the first one to meet them. I was skating at a park and these two brothers came up to me, one of them told me to give him some of my sunflower seeds, I laughed it off and said I didn't know him. He ripped it from my hands and told him to give him some in a mean way. I hated those brothers and I was so happy when their grandfather died and I knew they were suffering. I didn't want my group of friends to meet them but eventually they did and the two brothers became part of our group.

For the next couple of years they increasingly tortured me mentally and physically just because they could and I didn't know how to fight. They took my things, asked me to "borrow" my stuff and force me to do little things that weren't degrading but the fact that they made me do it on command was dehumanizing. Whenever one of their uncles smoked some of their weed with us for free they made me give them 5 dollars because they said we all had to chip in, only to find out that they just took my money and they told me about it in front of me and laughed about it. Even the ones that supposedly had my back from "back in the day" would mess with me and rip me off when i was buying weed in front of everybody, They would get drunk and mess with me (make me do errands for them) in front of the older ghetto people to make them look tougher/get more respect.

I've been to therapy on and off, taken prescription drugs (prozac and some other SSRI), tried to "get over it", i'm 20 now, this whole thing with those people was from the ages of 12-17. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 18. It should of never happened because I should of been able to get respect from those people just because I wanted to be their friend and showed them respect. Whenever they were intimidating me to do something and I used my wits to win one on them they would just yell louder and use physical threats to cancel it out. Like the ONLY response they valued was physical altercations, there was no other way of "standing up for yourself" to them other than fighting. Till this day I can so furious and want to throw everything in my room against the wall.

Some of them are in and out jail, addicted to drugs and who knows what else... Some of them are doing better and have turned their lives around which really pisses me off because they never got any punishment/karma/retribution for their inhumane actions.

I had/have a great home life, great parents, I go to college, have a steady job, a girlfriend and plenty of friends. Yet never ending anger and shame haunts me everyday and sucks the joy out of things other people can enjoy with no problem. The only thing I had to do was make good friends and stop hanging out with those people the first day they disrespected me.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi glen , u need to stop torturing yourself and thinking about these ppl that have made you suffer. The fact that your diagnosis has been made in your early years you have so much to go towards , but you won't go forward unless you let go off your past traumas . If your seeing a t then please b honest about your feelings and ask for advice. As for your parents leaving u to you'd own devices I think lots of people must be able to relate this, I grew up in the 70s one of 7 siblings, my parents had a life just to provide food and clothing for us they didn't have time to watch us 24 7 , dnt be too harsh on your parents Curcumstances might have left them To leaving you to your own devices ? I'm not sure if that was the case but it must def was in mine. You tried your best so what if you made a few wrong choices in your friendship, everybody makes mistakes at times x your young nd I'm confident with the correct therapy you can turn your life round from being consumed with anger to acceptance , good luck . Ur going to b k have trust nd confidence in yourself x

 

[Justmehere]

Trauma isn't something you just get over. Anger is a symptom of ptsd. Having ptsd means your sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive. Sympathetic nervous system activates fight or flight (or freeze) defenses - and in ptsd, we have those defenses too strong too much. Your anger is partly trying to protect you from a danger that is over now - it's the fight part of fight or flight. Have you tried any trauma based therapies like EMDR or somatic experiencing or Trauma focused CBT? Once you process trough the traumatic events that you are still angry about, I think that you may find that your anger lessens. That's what has happened for me.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You don't really know if the boys that turned their life around aren't suffering in their own way. Be happy for them and yourself that you broke through all that drama. It sounds like you're seeking revenge. Try to let it go. The past should stay in the past and not haunt the present day. That's counter the effects PTSD has on us, but really let it go. And give yourself a ton of credit for leaving that scene. College will be a safe place to try on the "new" you. We all go to college not quite sure where we fit in. Just do the next right thing and take your therapy seriously. You are an articulate writer, I'm sure you will be at the top of your class.

 

[Friday]

A couple things really struck me as I was reading your post

I was only 10-14 and my parents weren't there to say anything about what was right or wrong, I know we're supposed to be born with a sense of ethics and what not .

Nope! Both empathy & ethics are learned attributes. Ethics, especially. So much so that it is specifically taught in college and postgraduate schools as requirements for entry into many professions (medical ethics, legal ethics, etc.), because there is simply no "baseline" that everyone comes equipped with, neither instinctually, nor taught culturally so well that it's referred to as "common sense". So a baseline has to be manufactured. Ethics (otherwise known as moral reasoning) are incredibly complex, plastic creatures. They not only tend to change a great deal within a person's own lifetime, but are so... Variable... both within and between individuals and cultures that essentially nobody in any related field (psychology, philosophy, anthropology, sociology) agrees with anyone else beyond that it's a complex topic. Here are a few places to start, if moral reasoning is at all interesting to you.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_reasoning

http://psychology.about.com/od/developmentalpsychology/a/kohlberg.htm

I should of been able to get respect from those people just because I wanted to be their friend and showed them respect.

I have to disagree with you, here. For a time in my life I didn't care who was patting me on my head, so long as someone was. Learning discernment was a difficult lesson, I've had repeated many, many times over as a result. If someone I do not respect is pleased with me, I need to check myself as thoroughly as if someone I respect is disappointed in me. To use a very extreme example (just because it makes it easier to see), if a murdering psychopath gives me a huge grin and says "Good job, kid."? I probably haven't done something to be proud of. Maybe. But probably not. Similarly, I am under no obligation to respect and be friends with said murdering psychopath, just because he wants to be my friend and treats me with respect.

 

[Glen Myers]

But how were they justified in not respecting me? I'm not a serial killer I was a just another kid who didn't do anything bad to them.

 

[Hashi]

You've posted about this several times and had a number of well-considered answers from people who have PTSD and have good advice to give. I'm wondering what you're hoping for by repeatedly posting the same thing? What could someone say that would have an impact on you?

I've also noticed that you don't seem to respond to any other threads here, only start your own threads about this same topic.

I'm not saying this to be attacking. I'm saying it to try to reflect it back to you. I think you have to get past the question you keep asking about why. There's no answer to why, why did it happen? I expect we'd all like to know that, for our own experiences of trauma. And I expect none of us can ever get an answer. You can post this a dozen, a hundred, times. You won't get an answer to why because there isn't one. It just is. It was. It happened.

So now what? The only question to ask, or ideas to listen to, are not about why it happened. They're about how to heal. What to do. How to recover.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I totally agree with hashi, we can all badger on abt y it happened or where it went wrong ? Like most PTSD or cptsd sufferes it takes a lot to even acknowledge that it happened let alone y! U have to move on from these questions coz u only torturing urselves and your loved ones, there's lots of treatment available and with the right t u should start to acknowledge the questions that are torturing u, one day maybe when a little older u may see there is a tiny light at the end of a very dark tunnel , I've been through horrific traumas but I'm learning to cope with it using techniques that I was taught by my t, also emdr, eft , and hundreds of more professionals ,unfortunately results don't happen overnight and must definately don't come easy!

 

[Glen Myers]

I can't let go because I associate letting go as cowardly. Like I didn't get my moment to do something back to them and if I just focus on recovering than that just means they got to dominate me and get away with it. I shouldn't of been used as a punching bag and emotional abuse toy for their pleasure whenever they wanted.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Letting go can be also seen as winning! Ul end up being consumed with hatred and anger and that's not good for your wel being , but if you want to get revenge then good luck.

 

[Hashi]

if I just focus on recovering than that just means they got to dominate me and get away with it.

If you let go and work on recovery, you are taking your power back and they no longer get your upset energy gratifying what they wanted.

If you endlessly obsess about it, which to be very honest is what I see, they are dominating you and getting away with it.

The fact that I've seen repeated posts from you about the same thing makes me want to ask - how is this approach working out for you? Your thread title includes how to stop feeling angry/ashamed at everything, so I have to think that it isn't working that great. Despite having posted pretty much the same thing several times before. Maybe a change of direction would do no harm. Maybe it would help.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

At this point I really have to say you so need to move on, I've posted replies to you but u repeatedly come back with same issues. Pleae try and see a t who will professionally b able to advise you coz I don't think Our advice is good enough for you or making sense coz it was you may have acted on some of it instead of being verry disheartened the whole time x good luck.