How Do I Stop Ptsd From Killing Relationships Before They Really Begin?

[MichaelConway91]

Hey!
My name is Michael and I am 24. I deal with PTSD and a lot of anxiety from past trauma from my father who was abusive and other incidents as well.

I have an issue of getting relationships to even begin. I do not date a lot but recently I met this girl who made my heart explode every time I saw her. Things started off great, it was passionate and intense. She was opening up to me and making an effort. She said things to me like "I feel safe with you" and "I feel like you are gentle person." And when you have been through trauma hearing those things a lot....It made me melt. So about a month and a half in, I felt myself slipping, I started getting really anxious about it all. I felt myself opening up and I did not know how to handle it. I shared this with her and she did not seem like she knew how to handle it either. It seemed like she wanted to run. Which was my biggest fear because girls have either cut me off or choose not to deal with me as soon as I mention I deal with PTSD or that my dad was abusive. Its not like share it the first time I meet them, it usually takes a while for that to come out.

Anyways, a couple weeks after I shared my worries with her, we ended becoming physically intimate and she asked about my dad, so I told her a little bit. Needless to say I really fell for her but from then on she backed off and started giving me mixed messages, stopped putting in effort and it triggered a lot of emotional reactions. I was having panic attacks everyday, my appetite was gone, and I was getting horrible night sweats. Over the last couple of months she eventually just pushed me away because I got too serious. I guess it wasn't attractive to appear weak or vulnerable.

So I have spent the last two weeks replaying everything in my mind and even though she was not perfect, I feel like it was my fault because I do not know how to handle the intense anxiety or PTSD. It hurts even worse because I feel like there was something special and my intensity just pushed her away. I just want to know if anyone else has similar problems and how you deal with them?

Thanks,
Mike

 

[anthony]

Hey Michael, sorry to hear that your relationship fell apart mate.

my intensity just pushed her away

This here is different than your prior comment about feeling weak or vulnerable as an attractive quality. You're admitting you got intense, which is for you to own and acknowledge, and maybe work upon... tone it down a bit maybe in future relationships.

Here is what you're maybe missing, and maybe, just maybe, it is only about your intensity and sharing that causes her own problems. Did you ask her whether she has prior abuse? Maybe what you shared hit a nerve for her of something in her past, so she was thinking about herself?

Maybe she just didn't know what to do with the information you shared, making her feel uncomfortable? Men and women often don't know what to do with highly traumatic information shared amongst themselves when lovers. Shit, that pushes some of the best of friends apart, purely because the other friend a) never had a real clue about it all this time, and b) they have no idea what to now do with their friend. Do they change the interaction? How do they help? Can they help? So many questions often come up for a person, with no answers. So they distance themselves to remove the problem from their life.

It isn't about you as much, as it is about them, and them taking care of their emotional cup.

Maybe some simple questions to her would help? Did I share too much with you? What did you find unappealing suddenly?

Ask for honesty, accepting the relationship is over, but hey... feedback can help you better approach things next time. Maybe your more open questions might even make things ok again for this relationship.

Communication is an art form, and people are more often than not, not entirely honest.

 

[MichaelConway91]

Hey Michael, sorry to hear that your relationship fell apart mate.

This here is different than your prior...

Thank you for your reply. It was most helpful. I would want nothing more than to have her back in my life, as I have not really felt that way about anyone. It also makes me extremely nervous to contact her again and ask those questions. We had a little contact last week but once I called her and left a message, I haven't heard anything back.

I do know her mom has addiction issues and is rarely home as she stays with her boyfriends. Even though her mom is still married to her dad. She mentioned cops being called to her house a lot as there were a lot of disputes between her parents. She also deals with depression and used to cut herself.
I also do know that she smokes weed everyday and I dont know if that is coping mechanism. I didnt really judge it until she started acting like she didnt care and stopped communicating. She started lying to me about things like she would say she was working when she really wasnt.

Honestly, all I wanted to do was to show her love cause I know what it is like to deal with this stuff, but I guess she has to be willing and wanting to accept that. She may just feel like she doesn't deserve it. Cant give someone the ocean when all they want and need is a glass of water, right?

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you in therapy? I found that relationships were very much a no-go until I worked on myself.

 

[MichaelConway91]

Are you in therapy? I found that relationships were very much a no-go until I worked on myself.[/...

I am. I went from 18-23 and then started again this February.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that's great! Relationships, while no means easy, have gotten easier to navigate as I've progressed in healing. I think this would be a good topic for you to discuss with your therapist if you haven't already. My best advice is to take things slowly (not easy I know) and try to hold back on the intensity (again, not easy). If you get wrapped up in the whirlwind aspect it's harder to put the brakes on during those times when your anxiety needs a little TLC.

 

[anthony]

I do know her mom has addiction issues... She mentioned cops being called to her house a lot... She also deals with depression and used to cut herself... she smokes weed everyday and I dont know if that is coping mechanism.

That says quite a lot to me, to be honest. If she was cutting, there are is some deeply rooted history for her to reach that stage of self mutilation. It doesn't come from boredom, put it that way. Smoking weed is her way of trying to control all her history from consuming her, at a rough guess.

As you say these things, it seems far more likely that your sharing caused her to withdraw, maybe she thinks you want her to start sharing or such. It may simply be overload for her knowing those things about you, and the marijuana isn't doing its job enough to handle her past and yours.

 

[MichaelConway91]

That says quite a lot to me, to be honest. If she was cutting, there are is some deeply rooted history for...

Thank you for the insight

It kind of makes me feel hopeless because part of me does not think she will come back to me. Which could be best for both of us right now. But yes the smoking weed definitely made me a bit nervous cause I never have done it and I knew it was being used to avoid dealing with feelings.

I really just do not know what to do. I want to text her something like "I want and can handle your baggage, I was just losing my shit over my shit. Youre right I got too serious, you dont need that. Thank you for being patient with it all. I'd rather say this in person. Im here and cool with however you need me"

I just know I cant expect a response or anything from her. I just do not know whether to fully let it go or still let her know Im here for her...

 

[mary1979]

Reading your OP I also wondered if perhaps your insecurities about how she might feel once you 'came clean' might cause you to inadvertently push her away a little?

Add that to your further descriptions of her own issues and I feel more confident in saying thats a very likely possibility.

She'd be highly sensitive to any signals you send out, and would (over)react accordingly.

 

[MichaelConway91]

Reading your OP I also wondered if perhaps your insecurities about how she might feel once you 'came c...

You are right. I definitely was projecting my insecurities onto the situation. I hate that. I was expecting her to leave so I tried to over come that and it just pushed her away. I really thought it was safe to share with her, she said it was but I guess I don't realize how heavy this stuff is for some, because I am just used to chaos. I haven't avoided dealing with it, I have analyzed and gone over past to an extreme.

It just when I started getting mixed messages or at least thought I was, I felt that fight or flight response kick in. Because my dad would give mixed messages. One minute it was ok to be myself, the next it wasnt. And he would never validate my feelings and make it seem I was crazy for being upset at him.

 

[anthony]

"I want and can handle your baggage, I was just losing my shit over my shit. Youre right I got too serious, you dont need that. Thank you for being patient with it all. I'd rather say this in person. Im here and cool with however you need me"

I was going to say... but it got said already. This is not the best thing to say, as above reasons.

If you're going to say anything, I would just ask the question of "why?" And use the addition if needed, purely for research to better yourself for the future.

That way you aren't projecting onto her, you aren't talking about insecurities or any past talk, wants or needs, purely a question to understand. If you get the answer, leave it at that, and maybe, just maybe, that may be enough for her to then open communication with you.

Look... she may simply not want to be in a relationship with you, it could be that simple, and there is nothing you can do about that. But think about it like this, if a girl kept trying to contact you after leaving them, would you keep contacting them back or try and put distance between the relationship for your emotional well-being?

Me, I would be trying for distance, as anything but just keeps emotions swelling around and makes them hard to deal with.

 

[MichaelConway91]

I was going to say... but it got said already. This is not the best thing to say, as above reasons.

If you...

You are right. I just need to give it space and if she comes back she'll come back but I can't be attached to any outcome. Just move on.

It just makes me sad though because that wasn't me. I'm still learning how to deal with it and recognize when I'm being triggered. I did my best and I feel like I killed an opportunity to show someone love and grace when they haven't had any of it for most of their life.
That is probably the hardest thing to sallow. But I learned.

Thank you for the support. It means the most