Childhood How Do I...

[lostforgottensoul]

You were 6 or 7 as you remember? Do you have kids? A younger sibling? Imagine what you would say to your child if they endured the same fate.

No to both, youngest of my dad's 6 kids and medically and physically cant have kids due to what was done to me but i think i can talk from my adult mind to an imaginary child (a different child due to the anger and rage at my child self but let the anger and rage out at the same time. Maybe that can allow me to feel sorrow for the child; like i would any other chuld but me (when i was a child). Sorry @ghotiff had the wrong person lol

 

[Chava]

but an adult that sucka their thumb? Not destructive but healthy? I dont know.

Hey, I've sucked on plenty of bottles of vodka. It's somehow more "adult" to be an alcoholic, but it would have been healthier to suck my thumb (I actually would if it helped but it does nothing or me...I loved sucking on ciggies though and I think that was more the slow inhaling thing)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

.I loved sucking on ciggies though and I think that was more the slow inhaling thing)

I only miss smoking cuz i miss being able to burn myself with it w/o anyone noticing. I smoked a pack a day from age 21 to 34 (8 months ago); i use a nicotine vapoizor now and i think i get more nicotine out of that than i ever did cigs; im constantly using it

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hey, I've sucked on plenty of bottles of vodka. It's somehow more "adult" to be an alcoholic, but it would...

Oh and i miss the crack pipe and lines of coke too; 12 yrs clean of that and the huffing of duster; 2 yrs clean of that lol. Sorry, not really funny :facepalm:

 

[Chava]

Good work getting clean! :tup: (I'm sober...drank my way to ER so many times it blows my mind I'm still here sometimes...glad to say I'm grateful today)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Good work getting clean! :tup: (I'm sober...drank my way to ER so many times it blows my mind I'm still he...

I huffered 16 cans of duster several days in a few hrs; passed out several times hitting the wall or whatever was there; made it look like on my face that my entire face was burned in a fire twice; pulse check by ex roommates that were herions addicts twice....its a miricle i servived that as thats displacing oxygen with gas; i knew how dangerous it was which atrracted me more to it, i knew many people died with the straw still in their mouth...i think i wanted it to kill me....

 

[katz]

I know I need to greive for the little girl that went through what my little girl self did, so...

You might try just "talking" to her. Start writing a conversation with her. As an adult, ask her a question--one that you would want to be asked if you were her(you are!) Then let her answer you. It may feel funny at first, but as time goes on, she will start to open up to "you". As you write, as the little girl, you will find that your handwriting will change. And, even the words that you use. When I wrote to my "child" she was very unsure about answering me. I just continued writing her questions. Eventually, she started talking/writing to me. I even put a picture of myself in front of me to look at while I "spoke" to her.

When I look back at my notes--it is amazing how different the handwriting had gotten when "she" spoke to me. I gave her a lot of the love that she missed out on while she was growing up. I could actually feel the relief in my body and tears. It was so good to let her speak, and to listen and let her tell her story. After your done, be sure and tell her that you love her and will always be there for her and will always protect her. And be sure and thank her for sharing her story. And be very certain to tell her that you believe her! Actually, write the words out to her. It is good to see it wrote down in front of you. It confirms it. Like your writing it in stone and it can never be removed.

I have to go back in my journal once in a while to convince myself that these terrible memories are true. When I read that there is someone who will always believe me--it is such a relief. Often when I go back and read, I feel like I'm the little girl again. It is wonderful to see--in an adult handwriting--that someone believes me and will always be there to love me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You might try just "talking" to her. Start writing a conversation with her. As an adult ask her a question-...

Thank you for that! Its def what i need to do. Since the 'blame shift' i feel rather 'unstable'; like if im alone w/ my thoughts im gonna tailspin my self to the end. Just a fear i think. I think thats why it comes across as me saying "i cant get better w/o the site" or "will hurt myself w/o the site"...im not really trying to say that; im just scared is all. I was ok before i came here but i carried the blame & had my much needed defenses up for me to function & in my head 'survive'. Thats all been taken down so the way i told my therapist today; its making me feel very unstable 'alone'.

With that being said; i have tried to do that in my diary here but i think it was too new, fresh, and raw. Its def worth a try again maybe after talking to "her" on here it will make me feel safe enough to go on paper?

I dont know, its so hard to explain why im terrified to write things down again. I have a notebook that i used for that. It just seems so terrifying to me right now. Not sure even i know why.

Thank you for telling me how! I def will give it a try again!

 

[katz]

Thank you for that! Its def what i need to do. Since the 'blame shift' i feel rather 'unstab...

Don't feel bad if you can't write. When you're ready, you will. I have gone months with out touching my journal. Sometimes I just go back to read. Sometimes I just go to write or record a dream or to add a picture. I have so many different types of paper in my journal! I have papers with no lines or just a small scrap of paper. I have just wrote down what I needed to by grabbing any sheet handy. Then I can take it home to add to the journal. Mine is over 4 inches thick! Sometimes when I go back and read, I can't even tell what the picture is. LOL
But, I know that it was something that I needed to put down-get out of me. So, that's ok.
I think I understand where the scary comes from. I have lots of times when I'm actually afraid to read my own stuff! It takes everything in me just to open the book. Even though I know that I wrote it.

I have always had a hard time remembering. I remembered enough once to actually know who and where. When I brought it out into the open, the family erupted at me! I "conveniently forgot"--for over 10 years! Thank goodness for my journal. When I started remembering again, I had my journal - in my own writing - to go back to and confirm to myself that it all really happened.
I can't talk to anyone in my family about this anymore. :(
(One thing that I have learned from my own writing--I always label a dream as "dream". I needed the confirmation that this was a dream and not something that actually happened. So leave yourself some kind of note so that years later you will know that this was just a dream that you wrote down and not an actual memory. I go back and look at my dreams and I'm able to translate them better after I have not looked at them for a while.)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Don't feel bad if you can't write. When you're ready, you will. I have gone months with out touching my jou...

I started to talk to "her":

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dear-little-me.59204/

The last two lines are heavy, deep, and true and its likely why i have many MANY issues w/ this.

My family doesnt believe me either, none of them and the one i thought did, the most important one in my opinion, also doesnt. At least part of him doesnt.

All of the 'evidence' including any type of journal that made it through til i was 18 was burned in a bon fire, along w/ all my art i did from 10 to 18, i think, for fun of distroying my passion, the only thing, besides the dog i had at the time, i held dear.

I do have 1 thing, a book that was being passed back and forth from me and my mentor writing letters. It only made it cuz he had it at the time and then gave to me later. I never told him though. Dropped massive hints but never told him.

Anyway, hope i can build on this. Caused a ton of nightmares last night but i wrote what first came out, didnt think about it much ehen writing it.