How Do Others Piece Together The Jigsaw Of Trauma?

[ms spock]

So when I am feeling especially stressed out, and can tell I've been triggered, or I'm unable to stop the spiral of negative thoughts (or in times when I can't actually pin down the incremental negative thought spiral and I'm in just a "dark" state of mind) I will try to accept it as a part of who I am and instead of judging and punishing myself when I feel that way, I will try to observe and improve more readily.

Your post was so relevant to some of my own experiences. It is really helpful and gives me insight to read other people's experiences.

I have a theory that showing kindness and self soothing could be the turning of a big corner for my own personal recovery. If instead of beating myself up I could just go: "Okay well I turned up, that was big. It didn't go so well, but most humans make mistakes (a therapist once told me if people got it right 50% of the time that was doing well), is there any thing I could learn from this situation (probably best to do that when I don't feel so bad about my self) and ah well tomorrow is another day and by this time tomorrow I will be so relieved it is over, or five minutes from now this will be over.

When you are not beating the crap out of yourself I imagine it would be easier to examine things and make adjustments.*

*This is totally at the theoretical and drawing plan level. If you do it please let me know. I would like some robust scientific data.

 

[ms spock]

Getting "through" these sort of episodes take everything I've got.

Me too Abelabelabel!

 

[Girl3]

Retraining the brain takes a long time - that is why cognitive therapies go on for weeks to years. You are fighting your brain in a sense - the brain tells you "yeah, nothing bad happened this time, but wait til next time." That is why the training must be rigorous, consistent, and persistent.

Think of it like getting obese. That doesn't happen over night. It takes a long time of ingesting extra calories - and to lose weight it takes a long time of NOT ingesting extra calories to lose weight. Then you need to not start ingesting too many calories again - which the brain will try to do.

I haven't been assaulted in decades, but every time I go out the door, my brain goes on alert. So I have to say to myself " Really? How many people have been raped on the running trail where I run? Zero." Then I make myself go run. Somedays I can do 10 miles. Other times I start freaking out around two or three.

 

[purple butterfly]

Another piece of my jigsaw. Last week I went with my daughter to look at wedding dresses for her upcoming wedding next September. I know that I have to be completely involved in the preparations for her wedding. She is my only daughter and we are extremely close. But the thought of her getting married terrifies me, I don't want her to get hurt.

After much thought, I decided that I could meet her where she suggested, very close to my father's house (about 2km) but as long as I didn't go any closer into that area I would be fine. I was starting to feel very agitated as I was driving closer. I had completely forgotten that the shop we were going to was right across the road from the kindergarten that I went to, I was sent on a bus by myself at the age of 4 to and from kinder every day.

This was a very difficult time for mother she had just lost her first son at birth. She would have been pregnant with her second son at this stage who also died not long after birth. She had Fallott's Tetralogy which is now very treatable but then was a time bomb waiting to happen. She knew she put her life at significant risk each time she was pregnant. I don't know my mother's take on me going to and from kinder each day alone as she died as number of years ago. But even this year when I asked my father he gave his usual cruel laugh and like on many occasions just laughed it off, he has always seemed to think it was funny every time I have been scared.

I stood and started at the sttreetscape which probably has hardly changed in 50 years. Obviously there is a piece of the jigsaw here, even though I have no memory, my body memories have said it all. I was there 2 days ago and since then I have been dissociating, extremely hypervigilant, nauseous and exhausted and had 3 hours of non restorative sleep today.

I just wish I could join the dots!

 

[Frankie111]

Purple Butterfly - How do your body memries and flashbacks feel? When did they begin?

As you said you didnt think you had any trauma in your childhood until the body memories and flashbacks started?

My reason for asking is because I really can't remember much of my childhood at all and I am wondering if there is a reason for this. Is there some trauma I am blocking out?

All I know is I became emotionally numb four months ago after a discussion about sedation at the hospital, it is as if it triggered something in the conversation, but I don't know what it triggered as I can't recall any trauma happening to me, other than witnessing a family member being beaten up by another family member several times when I was young.

But everyone is saying that alone wouldn't cause PTSD as I have no feelings towards those attacks when I think about them.

Could I be experiencing body memories without realising it or flashbacks without realising it? That is why I am asking how they feel.

I hope you don't mind me asking.

<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[amethist]

Frankie

One persons body memories experiences are not another persons.

Everyone is different.

 

[purple butterfly]

Frankie
My experience has been that I started to have body memories after my husband of 30 years died from esophageal cancer he was an alcoholic and heavy smoker, causing tremendous trauma to both me and my 3 children. It was only in therapy, after he had died, that I realized my trauma was not just due to my marriage but to an emotionally abusive childhood that groomed me to put up with my marriage. Our stories and body memories are all individual.

 

[majidah]

Life is a jigsaw puzzle. I learned that from my first counselor. I watched the murder of my mother and the suicide of my grandfather. For years I have had glimpses of the past in my dreams, still do. Best thing I can say is to journal it all down. One thing I noticed is those I know personally who has suffered from some kind of traumatic event as a child turn into a very creative person as adults. Just one thing I have learned after drilling an uncle with tons of, "Ok is this a memory or dream..." questions...never discount anything. Many things I was told was a dream as a child, in the past few months I have learned was real memories. I'm not sure how to process all of it. I often feel like I'm from a VC Andrews book lol.

I remember when I was a child, I often got called to the office for daydreaming. It wasn't until I was in a hysterical fit and yelling at the principal that I wasn't daydreaming and that I saw my mom standing outside the class room did he realize that I wasn't what he classified as "normal". No one has yet come to address what I have come to accept as hallucinations. They're still there. I mark them up as pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. It's just when they happen in public or around my friends that I tend to go into panic attacks. Hence why the friends are far and few between. Just remember to never discount anything. Write it all down. Every little piece counts when it comes to memories or "flashbacks" or whatever it is they call it from your childhood.

Just my opinion.