Even though I have been married for 12 years now and have three children I can honestly come out and say I am as close to total isolation as I can be . I leave the house twice a day to take my oldest to school and back. I spend the rest of the day trying to push back everything that keeps rolling around in my head just so I can get through the day. I recently recieved a notice from the school because of the amount of days that my son has missed. If they miss more than 18 days of school they are held back. Most of the days that he has missed is because of my inability to leave the house. I have a very difficult time being there for the family physically. I cannot offer any emotional support as I can't feel anything and when I do its pain, anger. I was so bad last week my 10 year old told me to stop acting like I was pissed off at the world. Until recently it was as if my husband and I live in the same house with two different lives. Neither one of us trusts ourselves to talk to the other. Mostly my fault. I always end up blanking out on him or just leave reality. I havent worked since 2000, and I only worked for three months with my mom and her best friend cleaning town houses on one of our ski mountains. I didn't have to deal with the public and my mom was always there. Worst thing about that is my husbvand makes too much money for us to qualify for any help and I couldn't work long enough to build up the credits I need to file for disability. Believe me BG there are times when I wish for total solitude just to keep myself from causing my family more pain. Its not as easy as it seems. You have stregnth girl and don't you forget it. I applaud you. I still find my self wondering where everyone finds the stregnth that they have.
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How Do People Have Lives? Work, Marriage, Children...
- Post starter batgirl
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Nam
Diamond Member
Batgirl, things do get better. When I was at my worst, I didn't do anything except sleep (when I could). So I wasn't even conscious most of the time. I did have responsibility for my kids, but I did the absolute minimum. I'm not happy that all I did for my two year old was to turn on the TV, give her a granola bar and make sure she had a diaper on and go back to bed with my newborn. I would put up a gate so my two year old could only go between my bedroom and her bedroom. If she was thirsty, I would nurse her. All from the comfort of my bed.
Over time, and with healing you will begin to take on more. You will know when you take on too much. The stress levels skyrocket and life seems out of control once again. But with taking things on that are small and maybe no deadline (only yours), life will get better. I was diagnosed in July of 2004. It is now Jan. of 2007, and I can say now that I probably could go back to a full time job now. I chose not to. I teach gymnastics six days out of the week for several hours a day. I keep house, take care of the kids, and take them to story time or to the park. My life is pretty full and I like it just the way it is.
PTSD changes everything. Things that you once enjoyed become agonizing with ptsd onboard. It really stinks. But once you deal with your trauma/s you will begin to be able to enjoy life again, the outdoors, shopping, friends, and parties. You will be able to enjoy someone's company. Batgirl, you will get there. It takes healing and time.
Over time, and with healing you will begin to take on more. You will know when you take on too much. The stress levels skyrocket and life seems out of control once again. But with taking things on that are small and maybe no deadline (only yours), life will get better. I was diagnosed in July of 2004. It is now Jan. of 2007, and I can say now that I probably could go back to a full time job now. I chose not to. I teach gymnastics six days out of the week for several hours a day. I keep house, take care of the kids, and take them to story time or to the park. My life is pretty full and I like it just the way it is.
PTSD changes everything. Things that you once enjoyed become agonizing with ptsd onboard. It really stinks. But once you deal with your trauma/s you will begin to be able to enjoy life again, the outdoors, shopping, friends, and parties. You will be able to enjoy someone's company. Batgirl, you will get there. It takes healing and time.
- Post starter
- #15
Thanks so much Terry, I never thought of it in that respect. That means a lot to me, thanks for cheering me up! :)
Ugh veiled sorry about the panic attack thing you had. I can definitely relate, especially lately. I don't know about you but I am so embarrassed. I like feeling in control all the time and I'm definitely not in control when I have that going on. My family members are very supportive but they can also be condescending about it so that only adds to the embarrassment factor.
Wow jade, I honestly thought someone with kids would be forced out all the time. I also figured that if I was to have kids, it would solve my problems in a way because I would be thinking about them all the time and would forget my own issues. Shows how little I know about having a family really. Anyways thanks for your reply, I hope things continue to improve for you, sounds hard.
Thanks Nam... same as what I said to jade, I obviously don't know much about family life, sorry for assuming things. Your life sounds nice now though. And I love those murals you do. Can't say that enough! :) I hope I will get better too. In any event, I'm definitely going to try very hard.
Want you listen about a real loneliness???
Hello Batgirl,
"In Roman era, when someone makes serious crime they killed it and when he makes a very serious crime it is exiled"
I will tell youa bit about myself. I am algerian. In 98' I abandoned my country because of a lot of problems (you can google "history of algeria" to know about the late history in the ninties) With a friend I traveled to artgentina. New land, new language, new traditions, new life, new friends, new thinking, new looking, new clothes, new everything.
At first I was like a tourist enjoying this very beautyfull country. Here (because I am still here in Argentina) we found other algerians and we began to meet...A typical life of stranger. (At first, the first 3 years are good ones but the following not) Rapidly I learn the spanish language, a job, a good job (statistician in a marketing research company) I learned a lot of thing. I from nighr to a dayu changed my lyfe course because of f...called PTSD. Yes I litterally runned away from my country (I miss it a lot) The trauma began there and I could nt livethere anymore. So I searched a way to deal with it. And I found it: change country, renew everything...and PTSD is gone....big mistake. I dont knew that PTSD was in my baggages. In my soul. I brought it with me in the travel. At first I dont was conscious about it because it was an era of discovry. Imagine it: Everything was to discover, everything. I was "happy" My lifewas only working and meeting with algerian "friends" to speech our native language because I am "berber" (Berbers are the native of north africa) sometimes playing football with job's collegues. I think that my life was a normal life for someone being out of his own country. I dont want to enter in some details perhaps it comes later but after a time I fell down in a deep depression. Psychologist and asntidepressaant for one years half if I remember well. This therapy roots out the depression but fear was still there. Several factors was in the game: my life was only working, sleeping and eating. Only this. At first I had objetives, goals... and then I found myself without nothing because the time at the end will shows you what you had done clearly and makes you think about it seriously.
For now I want to tell you that I am alone in this country. I have another job. Better job. But It is frequent that in the week I open my mouth 15 minutes in total when I am not eating. But this new job is worse than the first for its shedule: I work if I am called to work. I the day generally i am alone. I live in a hotel. I dont have a car, no girfriend, no family close to me, I eat alone. And my country is 13000 kms away from myself. I have nobody to talk to. Holliday?Alone. The new year? Idem. I choosed this maybe. But I dont know what i have to do now (refering to if I stay or leave) A mentally torture that means I lost my youngest live. I am 35 year old I dont want to lost anymore. I mean by this the folloowing: Everything I did is to help myself. Allways I have been lucid. All under control. I understand perfectly what I did. I run away here because I thought that if I cahgne country my whole life will change. Mistake. But now I am wedged here and when I think about return back to my country I say tyo myself: so what? over again? I have resolved nothing. My life is still under fear.
I concluded the following "Its all about training", about doing things (you can do) and be dsiciplined in every circunstance dont stop training without asking like in military and some day Godby fear. Period. For this I return to do meditation. Its difficult but dont matter. Think about it I am sure alll of you started a kind of activities and stopped after a while. Say it sincerly: "for lack of discipline" years and years thinking and asking "what is the solution god damned??" "How to rid out". Start with something you can do, anything that you know will help you fell better and which demonstrated efficacity and dont tell this to anyone, do it without asking without contesting, whitout reclaming do it as a machine, as a robot. When this will be very easier move out to a little harder. LIKE EVERY TRAINING. Some day you will find yourself that you have made a long way and PTSD is only a souvenir. Make a plan. Changes comes gradually and the way is a cjallenge. But important important (I can tell this) DISCIPLINE is vital. Doing without asking. Less thinking more doing. Dont matter what, only do it. The nature will do the rest.
(When I write "you" I mean myself this is a wasy to talk to myself writing)Thank you for reading and aspologize my englich
"Its all about training"
Hello Batgirl,
"In Roman era, when someone makes serious crime they killed it and when he makes a very serious crime it is exiled"
I will tell youa bit about myself. I am algerian. In 98' I abandoned my country because of a lot of problems (you can google "history of algeria" to know about the late history in the ninties) With a friend I traveled to artgentina. New land, new language, new traditions, new life, new friends, new thinking, new looking, new clothes, new everything.
At first I was like a tourist enjoying this very beautyfull country. Here (because I am still here in Argentina) we found other algerians and we began to meet...A typical life of stranger. (At first, the first 3 years are good ones but the following not) Rapidly I learn the spanish language, a job, a good job (statistician in a marketing research company) I learned a lot of thing. I from nighr to a dayu changed my lyfe course because of f...called PTSD. Yes I litterally runned away from my country (I miss it a lot) The trauma began there and I could nt livethere anymore. So I searched a way to deal with it. And I found it: change country, renew everything...and PTSD is gone....big mistake. I dont knew that PTSD was in my baggages. In my soul. I brought it with me in the travel. At first I dont was conscious about it because it was an era of discovry. Imagine it: Everything was to discover, everything. I was "happy" My lifewas only working and meeting with algerian "friends" to speech our native language because I am "berber" (Berbers are the native of north africa) sometimes playing football with job's collegues. I think that my life was a normal life for someone being out of his own country. I dont want to enter in some details perhaps it comes later but after a time I fell down in a deep depression. Psychologist and asntidepressaant for one years half if I remember well. This therapy roots out the depression but fear was still there. Several factors was in the game: my life was only working, sleeping and eating. Only this. At first I had objetives, goals... and then I found myself without nothing because the time at the end will shows you what you had done clearly and makes you think about it seriously.
For now I want to tell you that I am alone in this country. I have another job. Better job. But It is frequent that in the week I open my mouth 15 minutes in total when I am not eating. But this new job is worse than the first for its shedule: I work if I am called to work. I the day generally i am alone. I live in a hotel. I dont have a car, no girfriend, no family close to me, I eat alone. And my country is 13000 kms away from myself. I have nobody to talk to. Holliday?Alone. The new year? Idem. I choosed this maybe. But I dont know what i have to do now (refering to if I stay or leave) A mentally torture that means I lost my youngest live. I am 35 year old I dont want to lost anymore. I mean by this the folloowing: Everything I did is to help myself. Allways I have been lucid. All under control. I understand perfectly what I did. I run away here because I thought that if I cahgne country my whole life will change. Mistake. But now I am wedged here and when I think about return back to my country I say tyo myself: so what? over again? I have resolved nothing. My life is still under fear.
I concluded the following "Its all about training", about doing things (you can do) and be dsiciplined in every circunstance dont stop training without asking like in military and some day Godby fear. Period. For this I return to do meditation. Its difficult but dont matter. Think about it I am sure alll of you started a kind of activities and stopped after a while. Say it sincerly: "for lack of discipline" years and years thinking and asking "what is the solution god damned??" "How to rid out". Start with something you can do, anything that you know will help you fell better and which demonstrated efficacity and dont tell this to anyone, do it without asking without contesting, whitout reclaming do it as a machine, as a robot. When this will be very easier move out to a little harder. LIKE EVERY TRAINING. Some day you will find yourself that you have made a long way and PTSD is only a souvenir. Make a plan. Changes comes gradually and the way is a cjallenge. But important important (I can tell this) DISCIPLINE is vital. Doing without asking. Less thinking more doing. Dont matter what, only do it. The nature will do the rest.
(When I write "you" I mean myself this is a wasy to talk to myself writing)Thank you for reading and aspologize my englich
"Its all about training"
BG,
Work, marriage, children and PTSD. Well, it's a hell of a combination, let me tell you! If there's a silver lining to all of this it's that my girls were older when my symptoms decided to make their appearance. My oldest is 18 and my youngest just turned 15. Since everyone here is pretty much 'grown', chores, laundry, dinner and such get taken in turns by all and it doesn't fall to me like it did when they were little.
Work is sometimes a wonderful distraction and sometimes it's a big pain in the ass that I just have to get through and pray that 5pm comes rolling around.
I sometimes feel like PTSD is a test to the strength of my marriage. There are times when I feel like we're closer than ever and times when times when I want to tell him to run for the hills and save himself.
My life has totally changed in the last six months in some ways and, thanks to my family, in some ways has retained the stability I need while I work on healing. I guess it's just one foot in front of the other and keep trudging along.
Work, marriage, children and PTSD. Well, it's a hell of a combination, let me tell you! If there's a silver lining to all of this it's that my girls were older when my symptoms decided to make their appearance. My oldest is 18 and my youngest just turned 15. Since everyone here is pretty much 'grown', chores, laundry, dinner and such get taken in turns by all and it doesn't fall to me like it did when they were little.
Work is sometimes a wonderful distraction and sometimes it's a big pain in the ass that I just have to get through and pray that 5pm comes rolling around.
I sometimes feel like PTSD is a test to the strength of my marriage. There are times when I feel like we're closer than ever and times when times when I want to tell him to run for the hills and save himself.
My life has totally changed in the last six months in some ways and, thanks to my family, in some ways has retained the stability I need while I work on healing. I guess it's just one foot in front of the other and keep trudging along.
FlyLadyFan
New Here
Jade, you are my identical twin sister.
The guilt I feel for being an inadequate mother/wife just feeds my depression/ptsd in an endless cycle that's been going on for 3.5 years now ...
Feel free to PM me ... I don't check here every day, but I will get back to you.
FLF
.
The guilt I feel for being an inadequate mother/wife just feeds my depression/ptsd in an endless cycle that's been going on for 3.5 years now ...
Feel free to PM me ... I don't check here every day, but I will get back to you.
FLF
.
- Post starter
- #19
How Do People Have Lives? Work, Marriage, Children...
I think it mostly depends on the severity of symptoms and I say this because the VA has a rating system for those that have PTSD, or any other disability for that matter. After coming back from Iraq, my symptoms of PTSD either 'festered' like a cancer, or I just became too weak to supress it [cope?] any longer... probably both I guess. Until it [PTSD] really got bad, I was still able to work and keep it to myself. Now, I feel too 'drained' of energy to cope any longer... I am a 'broken man.' It sucks and my family suffers because of it.
I think it mostly depends on the severity of symptoms and I say this because the VA has a rating system for those that have PTSD, or any other disability for that matter. After coming back from Iraq, my symptoms of PTSD either 'festered' like a cancer, or I just became too weak to supress it [cope?] any longer... probably both I guess. Until it [PTSD] really got bad, I was still able to work and keep it to myself. Now, I feel too 'drained' of energy to cope any longer... I am a 'broken man.' It sucks and my family suffers because of it.
- Post starter
- #21
catatonicky
Bronze Member
living with ptsd
Hey there batgirl,
PTSD in its full force is totally debilitating; we develop ways of sidestepping it, like acrobats. When i was in denial, i packed it all up into a little box inside and got heaps done, got a life as they say. Then it would hit and down i'd crash. To survive the crashes, i have to be very self-aware and sensitive to when it starts acting up. Then i go into list-mode; i write lists that detail every single thing that i have to do that day; even down to "get dressed, make kids lunches, feed pets, pay bills, do laundry" etc. Not big tasks, just what is needed to get through the day. That helps. Sometimes these "survival periods" can go on for months, sometimes its just a few days. Then slowly i start to reach out again, to venture forth a bit, to enquire about work, catch up with friends who know me and are used to my "disappearance-mode". Its lucky that i havent had any major attacks during work; maybe its the power of denial, or maybe i'm so focused on work and the students needs that i dont allow myself to dwell. I find that i need to have the focus on others to keep me from getting too introspective. Having kids actually helps, too, because you simply have to be there for them.
It sounds like you actually do have a life, though, you have someone who cares for you, thats important. Maybe you could get a pet, that might be a first step. Than perhaps really short ventures into public that arent demanding in terms of social interaction; i like to go to the library when i'm PTSD-ing, because you dont actually have to talk to people but you can just sit in a chair and "read" and be aware that they are around. Or just sit in a park, "reading" (you dont even have to really be reading but it is a good "screen" if you get my meaning). Short trips, low interaction. Baby steps. You'll get there, when you find some goals that you want to get to. Try and plan to have a schedule, but keep it really flexible that allows you "time out". Support groups are good; you dont have to talk usually you can just sit and listen/be there. Yoga is good too. It helps focus the mind which helps with dissociation. Music is also really good. i have a couple of cds that i listen to when i start to feel stressed-out that are relaxing. The key is to not focus on the future, just the present, as much as possible.
Speaking of which, getting back to work and yoga is on my list too. Yikes.....
Sometimes i really have to force myself to do anything at all. Than i think, well, that wasnt so bad. Stuff like relationships though, thats hard with PTSD. One last piece of advice; learn your triggers. Sometimes i have to limit what i watch on tv, not read newspapers etc; the world can get me down.
One day at a time, every day is a new day, all that......corny but true. Oh, and also, dont ever measure yourself against anyone else. You are unique and precious, and are recovering at your own pace from a major central nervous system and psychic injury. You are alive and breathing right now. Sometimes that itself is enough, sweetie. Be kind to yourself. Do what you used to like doing as a kid, even if its watching the ants......
batgirl said:
Hey there batgirl,
PTSD in its full force is totally debilitating; we develop ways of sidestepping it, like acrobats. When i was in denial, i packed it all up into a little box inside and got heaps done, got a life as they say. Then it would hit and down i'd crash. To survive the crashes, i have to be very self-aware and sensitive to when it starts acting up. Then i go into list-mode; i write lists that detail every single thing that i have to do that day; even down to "get dressed, make kids lunches, feed pets, pay bills, do laundry" etc. Not big tasks, just what is needed to get through the day. That helps. Sometimes these "survival periods" can go on for months, sometimes its just a few days. Then slowly i start to reach out again, to venture forth a bit, to enquire about work, catch up with friends who know me and are used to my "disappearance-mode". Its lucky that i havent had any major attacks during work; maybe its the power of denial, or maybe i'm so focused on work and the students needs that i dont allow myself to dwell. I find that i need to have the focus on others to keep me from getting too introspective. Having kids actually helps, too, because you simply have to be there for them.
It sounds like you actually do have a life, though, you have someone who cares for you, thats important. Maybe you could get a pet, that might be a first step. Than perhaps really short ventures into public that arent demanding in terms of social interaction; i like to go to the library when i'm PTSD-ing, because you dont actually have to talk to people but you can just sit in a chair and "read" and be aware that they are around. Or just sit in a park, "reading" (you dont even have to really be reading but it is a good "screen" if you get my meaning). Short trips, low interaction. Baby steps. You'll get there, when you find some goals that you want to get to. Try and plan to have a schedule, but keep it really flexible that allows you "time out". Support groups are good; you dont have to talk usually you can just sit and listen/be there. Yoga is good too. It helps focus the mind which helps with dissociation. Music is also really good. i have a couple of cds that i listen to when i start to feel stressed-out that are relaxing. The key is to not focus on the future, just the present, as much as possible.
Speaking of which, getting back to work and yoga is on my list too. Yikes.....
Sometimes i really have to force myself to do anything at all. Than i think, well, that wasnt so bad. Stuff like relationships though, thats hard with PTSD. One last piece of advice; learn your triggers. Sometimes i have to limit what i watch on tv, not read newspapers etc; the world can get me down.
One day at a time, every day is a new day, all that......corny but true. Oh, and also, dont ever measure yourself against anyone else. You are unique and precious, and are recovering at your own pace from a major central nervous system and psychic injury. You are alive and breathing right now. Sometimes that itself is enough, sweetie. Be kind to yourself. Do what you used to like doing as a kid, even if its watching the ants......
Batgirl, copy and paste this search link...
http://www.vfvc.net/pages/va_disability_rating_criteria.htm
it will probably answer your questions better than I could and what I know. What I do know is that the higher your % disability, the more money they reportedly pay you. But since PTSD is a primary problem you can't see as a physical injury, it is generally more difficult/takes longer to get a % rating- thanks to malingerer's and imposters looking for $$. Lastly, I have been 'annoyed' and felt 'degraded' mainly by the VA employees that I have come in contact with. It's not so much the 'system,' as it is a lot of the people that are employed by it. Then again, maybe they all think I'm the one that's an @ss hole?? I'm not sure anymore.
http://www.vfvc.net/pages/va_disability_rating_criteria.htm
it will probably answer your questions better than I could and what I know. What I do know is that the higher your % disability, the more money they reportedly pay you. But since PTSD is a primary problem you can't see as a physical injury, it is generally more difficult/takes longer to get a % rating- thanks to malingerer's and imposters looking for $$. Lastly, I have been 'annoyed' and felt 'degraded' mainly by the VA employees that I have come in contact with. It's not so much the 'system,' as it is a lot of the people that are employed by it. Then again, maybe they all think I'm the one that's an @ss hole?? I'm not sure anymore.
- Post starter
- #24
Wow that's a lot of advice catatonicky... thanks for sharing all of that with me. Sounds like you have yourself together fairly well. I am nowhere near there yet, my PTSD symptoms are quite severe at the moment. I do know what my triggers are at least, in fact I would say I over-avoid as far as TV, newspapers, etc. I'm good with my family, but very uncommunicative with anyone else. Typing on the forum has become fairly easy for me, and people here seem to consider me outgoing, but they'd be in for a major shock if they met me in real life. I find writing way easier than talking. I have tried having lists too, but I find I end up frustrated most of the time. Anyways very good advice, thank you so much for sharing.
Mac, that is awful. I hate government institutions. And I can't believe they wouldn't consider PTSD a very serious illness, especially when it shows up on brain scans!! At least, you can see it on mine.
Mac, that is awful. I hate government institutions. And I can't believe they wouldn't consider PTSD a very serious illness, especially when it shows up on brain scans!! At least, you can see it on mine.
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