How do we keep people from stealing our joy?

[Mee]

I think sensitivity is not just how we feel but how we treat others?

I am aware when I am less ... considerate that steals my joy. I steal it from myself.

I think that the main thing that steals my joy is myself but through doubt over my behaviour. When I have behaved inauthentically, without the integrity I want to have, or in a way I do not aspire to and more importantly when I do not attempt to make amend for normal human mistakes.

I cannot control how others behave but my reactions should be containable; and I think this is an issue of PTSD for me. The lack of containability and impact on processing, reasoning and ‘joy stealing’ is notable.

This week, for the first time since my trauma i had a night where i woke from. Night where my dreams were not trauma related or reasoning it out. That felt joyful. Then that this was such a triumph felt so silly....and my ‘old me’ optimistic outlook was dampened by a cynical.... ‘you are pleasec by that ?, thag you cannot control yourself even now? That one night off and that its a break was youf first thought? Idiot’

I steal my joy. In my interactions with otherz if they dampen my joy its because i gave given it to them. I do not mean that i need to hide it; i mean that i am unstable for it to be rocked by outside opunion.

 

[somerandomguy]

I've come to realize that only I can steal my joy. It's all about how I react to what other people do.

These days my really destructive moods mostly come from what goes on in my own head and what I keep telling myself, not reactions to what other people do or say. But unfortunately I don't know how to keep myself from stealing my joy.

 

[Virtues]

I was physically abused by an alcoholic father. I carried that with me for many years. I didn't start to heal until I put it in the rear view mirror. Again it wasn't about the "how" it was because I wanted to. I was tired of letting what happened all those years ago still dictate who I was as an adult. I can't explain "how" to do this, but when you want it you will figure out the "how" without anyone telling you. For the longest time I continued to let it beat me down because (here's the why) I felt like I deserved it. I felt like I was bad, wrong, evil, stupid, because that is what I was told for so long that I believed it. When I decided that I didn't want to believe that anymore because it no longer served me, I figured out the "how" all on my own.

You are telling me all the awful things that happened to you coming up (and they are awful), but the question still remains: "why" are you still letting that dictate who you are today? When you figure out the "why", you can decide if you want to change it or not. For me, my why was because I deserved it. The day I decided I didn't deserve it anymore it stopped haunting me.

Believe it or not the whole dynamic of the relationship changed between my father and I. I haven't forgotten what happened, but I came to forgive him (for my sake, not his) and what happened next was unpredictable. A new relationship between us started to grow. Don't get me wrong, it's not a "Brady Bunch" relationship, but it's a relationship. I still keep a safe distance, but I have learned to see him differently. Not as a monster, but as a flawed man (much like myself) who handled just about everything in that time in his life wrong. A man who wants to make a positive change. A man who also wants to heal.

Now I'm not telling you to go back and rejoice with your family (that's not what I'm saying). In fact this may never happen, and that's OK. What I'm saying however, is to figure out "why" what they did all those years ago, "why" you're still letting that dictate who you are today? Figure out the "why" and then decide if that serves you.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

My particular methods of dealing with those feelings haven't arrived in my mind and heart space naturally and with ease, @SpiritSong . Not even close. I've been told by more than a few practitioners that I'm considered a highly sensitive person, too, in many regards, and it seems they would be accurate in that assessment.

I used to cower and retreat for days at the words of others and would stew in my emotions and cut myself off from the world because it hurt too bad to even think about engaging. I'd get physically ill and vomit at the thought of having to. I was so used to being told how worthless I was and how I'd never amount to anything, and used to bullying behaviors being considered acceptable from others, and used to being physically abused into compliance, that I figured that's just the way life was meant to be.

It's taken me several years and many failed attempts to be able to even begin to recognize my own contributions to the energetic vibrations I send out and receive from others regarding all the discomfort I feel and try to deal with each day. I continue to learn with each and every interaction I have, often painfully. I assumed I was already doing the best I could and that I probably should never expect anything to be much different, until I learned there are so many other ways to do and see things. Before, I thought I was obligated to only ever listen to certain kinds of professionals that my insurance would approve and the ones that most "normal" folks deemed credible. Beep. Wrong answer.

Clearing and cleaning out my entire being from the inside out has made me even more sensitive than I ever thought possible, both emotionally and physically. HSP to the nth degree, and then some. Most especially in the arena of the well-being of other living beings. If you see a lady pulled over and sobbing next to a livestock field or close to road kill, that would be me. Only when I could finally and much more clearly recognize just how much I was directly influencing each and every feeling I was experiencing by how I would choose to continue to think, act, and re-act out of habit and life-long conditioning was I able to do anything substantial about it.

I've had to continue to unlearn then re-learn how to respond in kind to my own basic needs inside and out, but first I had to figure out what they even were and if I truly needed what I'd been made to believe I needed my whole life, and that has been the hardest lessons ever. A whole lot of vital information to make that happen seems to have been omitted from all the various curriculum/mindsets I was taught from, be it by the schools, by the family unit, or by the professionals. Luckily, the rewards have made it worth every bit of the ongoing effort. As with everything else, it varies for each individual. May you find your particular grooves that can lead to more joy and less grief.

 

[Teasel]

I was thinkig about this. I've absolutely had problems with this all my life. Though I do think it's reducing as I get older. And I think it's reducing due to some shifts in what I think.

Something about beginning to see that my belief, formed in childhood that others have power and I have none. Or beginning to see that the powerlessness I felt as a child is not the situation I am now in as an adult even though I still see things that way plenty enough.
Something about bringing down the shutters, switching off caring what another thinks when I realise they don't have my best interests at heart.
And a definite shift in my being sensitive to people who like putting others down because I no longer believe the I am a bad person thing as much as I did.
It's wierd thinking about it - I realise it has taken 40 odd years for me to even begin getting accustomed to the idea that I can be fine with someone thinkng badly of me. That actually I don't think much of people like that anyway.

So far all my life I didn't feel that way at all. I felt like if someone was unkind or judged me - I think I saw their opinion as more valid than anything I might ever think. I guess it bothered me so much because their behaviour chimed right in with my own negative fears about my lack of worth?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there are several ways I can sabotage joy, ranging from self-sabatoge= my own feelings, and worries; catastrophizing, negative thoughts about the future and unknown; fearing the worst (with or without others added input, although it often comes back inter-relationally). But as @Bearlinda said also, it's the underlying current (which seems to be larger than a belief or even so quick that it seems so) that I have done something wrong- or will-or will harm someone else, that I am also powerless against others, that drives the bus.

I do think, after years of trying to understand it (because it's quite obvious, at least much of it, with the original trauma and circumstances where it came from, or contributed), still, there is a moment so visceral: like a second before you know-what's-coiming (and it's very bad), that feeling to me turns the tide. It's raw, and frightening. And feels like inescapable horror and powerlessness or failure to stop it.

 

[Teasel]

And feels like inescapable horror and powerlessness or failure to stop it.

Yes, exactly this x

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, @Junebug I can see what you mean. I go through a lot of that too, the catastrophizing too especially. Something very negative someone says will set it off and my mind "goes to the racetracks" before I even realize it. It is hard to stop this. That is what I have been dealing with.

 

[TruthSeeker]

How do we keep people from stealing our joy?

My Pdoc said to me the other day that I should not let...

I like the word "covet" better than steal for this issue, covet is wrongful wanting or taking of something of someone elses. You can covet someone's friends, family, other people, their happiness, their contentment, their material things, etc. I think of stealing as material or physical-not so much emotional.

I have come to the conclusion that in my case, when I didn't know any different, how could it be my fault to allow someone to make me miserable? I didn't even know what was happening....that I was giving them the power-my power, so that they could enjoy it and get some sick pleasure out of being abusive to me. I learned that giving away my power, and going back for more abuse or emotional negativity, negatively feeds and strengthens those who covet.

Stopping abuse often has a high price and uncomfortable price, .....and for me I had to consider life choices, and the long-term impact my decision would have. Other's who covet my happiness, and got to great lengths to hurt me, I had to set some boundaries, stick to them with serious Crazy Glue, even though it was painful..and lonely.....and still is. However, it is more comfortable and much more predictable than getting my regular abusive beating (emotionally lately).

The decision I had to make called upon my integrity to become a key player in the decision-making process. . I'm trying so hard to let integrity drive my decisions, not emotions. So when I'm making decisions that will speak to my character, my integrity will drive the process and set a new precedence, set new boundaries, or change something drastically that is going to rock somebody's boat terribly. I call on my Integrity; who brings it's clan members Decisiveness, Courage, MePower, and Confidence. I view them as Integrity's family, in a manner of speaking. When Integrity makes decisions, Decisiveness helps her make it quickly and hold firm, Courage helps the clan to hold fast with the decision-no matter how much pain is involved, and Confidence is uplifting-like the cheering section giving me internal strength to maintain my position on my decision. MePower reminds me not to back down, as I have the power to accept abuse or stop it, and reminds me that personal power is necessary for my own happiness. If I keep giving it away, I'll never be satisfied....I'll always be in pain. So that is how I think about "stealing one's happiness." How I react, what role I choose to play, and how much or little I participate I have control and power over.

With all that said, I think I had to first acknowledge if I wanted the pain that others were inflicting, or did I want to reduce or rid myself of it with the control and power that I do have. What would I have to give up for my sanity, my happiness, my end-goal, contentment? The answer in my case: Almost all my family, some acquaintances, and some friends. I'd make some new friends, Loss, Lonliness, and Grief as a trade-off from separating myself from the abusive ones. But another I didn't expect to meet-Self-Respect. I took positive steps to control what I could, and got immediate self-respect......a feeling I had lost.

I couldn't see any end to it the way it was going....just more abuse was what I would endure. This is different now, and it certainly is real! I think relying on Integrity and my character, led me in the best decision-making direction possible and I feel better as a result-a little more together. I can only share how I feel.

Good luck, and I hope you meet these characters, and retain what happiness you have and see it grow..

 

[HëllaBubz]

I actually am quite forthright about it - I resent it when someone steals my joy, and when I did it to my supporter recently I felt goddamn awful watching the light go out in him when I was a know it all instead of shutting up.

Something to the effect of - "Thanks for your opinion/comment on that, but I'm actually feeling pretty good about X and I wanted to share that with you so it could brighten your day too. You're not usually such a wet blanket, did I get you at a bad time? Are you ok?"

Or a more overt - "Actually, I'm feeling really pumped and pleased with myself about this, and you've gone and poured a bucket of cold water over that. Kindly take your smacked arse face elsewhere while I enjoy life."