How do you be honest and assertive and not manipulative?

[ms spock]

How Do You Be Honest and Assertive and Not Manipulative?

Growing up I had to lie about everything it was expected and I just said what I thought the adults wanted to hear at the time. I have been working on honesty. I am not so good at assertiveness but I am working on that as well. I am trying to be as honest as I can, but it is hard as I run this interference thing with other people.

I just am not really sure how to be honest and assertive. How do you know what is the right thing to say? What is tactful and diplomatic and what is not those two things. How do you learn to feel your feelings enough to actually know what you are feeling? I am working on that but I would be interested to read what other people are doing.

My partner has been not honest with me about money and stuff around the house so I get now that I don't have to rip into people - and that is all that was around me as a child was to rip into people, so I cut off from people to learn how to be better around people and you know you can't learn that without being around people but I didn't know that.

I feel vulnerable being honest.

So yes How Do You Be Honest and Assertive and Not Manipulative?

 

[user27357]

manipulative is not the opposite of honest or assertive, is it? I mean, cant you use honesty and assertiveness to manipulate?

I work in a place where the dishonesty is so thick that speaking the truth is often considered to be heresy, at best you get a reputation for saying "I told you so" when all you ever did was point out the truth before a bad decision or misuse of power caused us all grief, never pointing out your own honesty after the fact. In that situation, truth to yourself is the only kind of truth and honesty allowable. Tact withers in the face of gross ineptitude and personal benefit through abuse of power. Assertiveness leads to the door out.

In interpersonal relations with my family, I try to establish a strong reputation for not "glossing over" lies and deceit. I have a quiet discussion with the person that lied to me about how that affects our relationship, not the lie, not the excuse, just the cause and effect of a lie and mistrust. I try to make it as close to mutual appraisal of the situation as I can, like we are both watching a documentary about interpersonal trust and honesty together.

I also talk about how this conversation won't get repeated, if the lies continue the next conversation is about why the first one failed to get the point across. After that, if there are more problems, we probably won't talk about it unless the person lying to me gets tired of being treated with little more than basic respect, granted no integrity, never given the benefit of the doubt. Then we can talk about how we regain trust and go forward towards the goal of the very first conversation again, together.

Never give up, but never do the work of both parties towards regaining trust either.

This is a good topic for PTSD sufferers. Many of us have had to cover up and use lies to protect ourselves from abusers and people that wouldn't understand the inner turmoil of being abused. I myself am a very skilled liar. It can be easy to forgive someone for doing what we have also done, but there is a difference between lying for personal survival and lying to avoid conflict that we have brought on ourselves. clarifying that line helped me forgive myself for years of living under a false cover to hide what I didn't want people to see.

The four agreements talks about honesty and making your word sacred and absolutely true. BUT, the author also talks about forgiving yourself for failing at this difficult task. We should all try, like you are. I am too.

 

[Seasounds]

How do you know what is the right thing to say? What is tactful and diplomatic and what is not those two things. How do you learn to feel your feelings enough to actually know what you are feeling?

As you are pointing out, all of what you are developing takes time and patience. There are pearls of wisdom that guide me, and, of course, there are never any guarantees that you or me will get it perfect.

Here is what guides me:

• I went to a few Non-Violent Communication classes, and studied their online material. Basically, speaking in 'I' statements, and eliminating accusatory statements is what is suggested.
• Regarding feelings, the safety of Mindfulness Meditation and Alanon Groups gave me the safety to start feeling my feelings. It is a forever, unfolding process. There is a step where i matched my body sensations to my feelings; this was especially powerful. Go with what you sense. It will develop with time.
• I'm conscious to eliminate my judgments, as much as possible, and let people who are close to me, what works for me, what doesn't work for me, and what is negotiable.
• If we disagree, I don't escalate. I take the situation and remind myself that I am at choice; whether or not I want to stay connected or not.
• I have supportive friends and tools to use, when other people's feelings get hurt or get angry at me.
• I do my best to know my 'deepest and most private feelings' and to translate that information into a milder version when I speak to people; I am being honest, just not overwhelmingly dumping anger, disappointment, loss, etc., on others.
• That reminds me, I speak in terms that I 'create' my emotions, vs that other people 'make/cause' me to sad or happy. (This and related concepts totally turned my life around; no blame, self-generated generated feelings, and choice.

 

[Sideways]

I think a lot of this finds its base in self-acceptance (as distinct from self-esteem): knowing ourselves, accepting it warts and all (which is different from not embracing change and growth), and being true to that not just with ourselves, but also with relationships with others.

For me, one of the big things that changes manipulation into diplomacy is equal respect for where both people are at. Respecting where you are at, and being able to embody that self-respect in the way you deal with others, will aid in the honesty stakes.

Being respectful of them - that's the part where you know that your honesty will come across as more of the diplomatic and less of the manipulatic. Having respect for another person doesn't mean agreeing with them, or even liking them. But it does mean that they are entitled to all the things that you are, on an equal basis: to be spoken to without agression, to he heard, to be the recipient of compassion if they're suffering, and to allow them to define their own needs and feel their own emotions.

 

[alt]

Hello, Ms. Spock,

Does it sometimes feel like you have another personality (the lying one) "around" and "on top" of your true self?
This is a phenomenon I have come across the last days.

If this is you, and you end up falling into a "stream of words" that just come, for various reasons (manipulation is one reason, but also habit, not really answering to what you feel or see, but to what "should" be said, etc), then there are things you can do to "find yourself". I generally think these methods are useful for PTSD patients, who had their sense of "Self" shattered all over the universe. Pick a method to start with, then include another. Or try them all at once.

1. Every time you remember, throughout the day try to track your true self internally. Summon "Ms. Spock". "How are you today, Ms. Spock?" That way you get used to finding yourself.
2. When you find yourself, let that you speak. One situation at the time. Keep her speaking. Stop the "other one".
3. When other people speak, ask "ms. Spock" what she feels before you answer, or else the answer will go on the autopilot-personality.
4. When you have a problem, or something happens in your life - good or bad - check in with "ms. spock"s reaction.
5. Thank the autopilot-personality for having been there and protected you, and say that it can let go now, as you no longer need her.
6. Make a voice journal where you focus on talking with "Ms.Spock's" voice. Every night before bedtime, for example

Ms. Spock is the deeper you, the honest and open and boundary understanding one, who can truly connect with people. You probably know her :)

I haven't read any research on this, so use it at your own risk, but it seemed to fit what you asked, so I sent it.

Hope you'll find what you are searching for.

Edit: I would also suggest that if you start feeling like you are losing touch with "Ms. Spock" in a situation, then take a 3 day break from that situation if you can, to meditate, enjoy live and find yourself again. In these 3 days, do not interact with important people in your life on anything significant, or you may end up saying things the real you wouldn't want said. This is particularly important if you have a history of ending up in conflict with loved ones. Your real voice is too important to not have a say. <3

 

[ms spock]

Thank you for your comments. I guess I am scared to be me. I am scared to be here. Though neither of my parents are here now with me. Well they are in my head and heart and I am in the process of managing that. I feel so not good enough or enough or worthwhile. My sister was telling me how sometimes she doesn't feel real. It is that thing of not being seen or heard.

 

[alt]

Thank you for your comments. I guess I am scared to be me. I am scared to be here. Though neither of my...

I think you should read the four agreements, too, after reading your last statement! :)

Hug.

 

[Mary4]

I think a lot of this finds its base in self-acceptance (as distinct from self-esteem): knowing...

You explain mutual respect really well, thanks. This thread is all thought provoking and helpful.

 

[Mary4]

Hello, Ms. Spock,

Does it sometimes feel like you have another personality (the lying one) "around...

Wow, how helpful is Ms Spock.

 

[alt]

Wow, how helpful is Ms Spock.

She is amazing, always. :)

But if she isn't true to herself, that helpfulness is not serving her, and is a lie, too.
I want her to accept herself. Not be accepted by others just because she is helpful.

Being "nice" is not the best one can do for oneself (nor for others!) - it causes a lot of pain if it is fake, for all parties involved. Such is the nature of societal conditioning. But if one does the best for oneself, one will also be a nice person, so it is the fear-based and conditioned behavior I am attacking. Not Ms. Spock. Never.

By "personality" I talk of a learned image/persona that has gotten extra strong - stronger than in most people - because of harsh self-judgement based on people in life that influence us with their ideas, and prevent us from being "real".

 

[ms spock]

I have to look at that @lillesnille I do. I think I am being more true to not doing the helping but there is more work to be done on that one that is for sure.

 

[Gs172003]

I have to look at that @lillesnille I do. I think I am being more true to not doing...

Honey my husband is/was a habitual liar. I don't know/ care why. It had made things very very hard for us as lying is one thing I have an extremely hard time with. He's gotten better I THINK but if I catch him in another one he'll have to go.

Please do whatever you have to do to fix it. It'll make things better for you in the long run.