How Do You Choose And Maintain Safe Friends?

[reallydown]

Great thread! I have perhaps a somewhat unorthodox approach to this whole thing...but more about that in a bit. Before ptsd was in full swing, I was a great judge of character...I could spot phonies and fakers of all kinds in no time. And, I find that my initial gut feeling is right more often than not. Every time I chose to ignore it...it didn't turn out well. Now, this is still largely true. I have trouble recognizing the potentially good though because I don't really trust anyone. And yet...my ability to recognize the bad ones doesn't seem quite as sharp...which is a bit of a paradox...or I see it but for some reason don't react as harshly as I might otherwise.

And that brings me to my somewhat weird take on this. I have a "friend" (longtime) who tends to talk behind my back and has probably shared some personal things I told her with others. Now...this is normally enough to end a friendship...but then I get all philosophical and think...so what? Do I really give a s**t what she or this other friend may or may no think...or say...I know what kind of a person I am and the very few people who really matter know it too...At the end of the day, as long as I am comfortable with who I am (to the extent that ptsd makes it possible), I really couldn't care less. Though, it is indeed not nice of my firend to do that. So, in a sense, when I have that attitude...it really doesn't matter to me if that person is still in my life or not...all I know is I can't depend on her for anything important...

Does any of that make any sense? I am not a pushover...but...perhaps I'd still do better to reexamine some things...lol

And also...in terms of seeing how people treat waiters, animals etc. I also do that. I also look for hints as to how they treat other "friends"/people they know...Do they talk behind their backs? Do they make fun of them etc....How hypocritical are they? Also, if they seem to have too many "friends" (think...500+ friends on facebook, for example)...that's usually not a good sign either. There are so many things but I htought I'd just share some.

 

[This Ends Now]

Grama-Herc:

I am glad you found the test to be useful and hope you will find some good people to try it on. Since your daughter works in the industry I would add one slight augmentation for when she applies the test: when testing a waiter look for how he/she treats the server assistants/food runners/buss boys/hostesses. Servers have a natural bias in favor of other servers so you have to account for that but the same basic rules apply.

TLight: I agree that the world would be a much better place if more people worked in the service industry for at least a short time. It sure does give you a different perspective on society.

 

[Ursa]

I just have a couple of things in my mind:

One of them is that no one is perfect.

The other one is that I cannot deal with some kinds of imperfection.


I really used to have no boundaries at all with friends. Now I have it clear in my mind that I can hang out with some people but I cannot trust them my intimate thoughts. Others can be trusted but are not mature enough to deal with some of the stuff I have to share. On the other hand there are some people that I just don't like. I never thought about this before in my life, but this year I understood that I have a choice too and I don't have to just accept everyone that gets close to me. I used to be available to everyone with lots of high expectations and that is what made me hurt a lot of times.

It is important to trust but it is insane to give the safekeeping of your gold to the first person you see on the street.

Being more practical:

Now I watch a lot how people behave about others. If someone talks bad about other people there is a good chance that the person is going to do the same about me.

If the person steals something small, I don't trust the person in any room of my house alone (bathroom excepted). Even if the person is fun to hang out with. I had some people with compulsive stealing in my life... I know it is more a emotional need and these people steal small stuff but I just don't trust them.

If the person does not allow me to talk about myself or just act up when I do (even making a "face"), I know the person is too egocentric for a friendship. On the other hand if the person does not tell anything about themselves, they don't trust me, and therefore cannot be a friendship.

If the person makes jokes demaning someone, in my understanding they are not playing, they are being abusive and so I don't hang out with them unless I have to (like a co-worker in a work related party for example).

If I am always the one calling (or looking for the other person company's) the person might not really appreciate me. In these cases I back up and look what the other person does. (I did this with a "friend" that decided to call me back over a year after after I stop calling).

The list can go on... I think the main thing is to go small steps at a time.

 

[wolfalohalani]

You know, thinking about it I realize I've got a pretty crappy track record finding reasonable people to be friends with. I have gotten better over time, but what this seems to mean is that I am substituting more subtly abusive behaviors for the more overt ones. I used to have friends who abused drugs and got into fights - now I've got friends who meditate and make pseudo-compassionate but really snide comments about people.

But, you know, life is a learning process. I tend to decide I like somebody, want to get close too quickly, and end up getting hurt. I'm thinking that maybe it's just better to be a little standoffish. Of course right now I'm also thinking of becoming a hermit and living in a cave, so perhaps that isn't the solution either.

wolfalohalani

 

[pandora]

Well I know isolation is definatel NOT healthy and a bad habit I want to get out of but it is scary especially if you have a history like i do of being used, abused and burned by people I loved or thought I could trust.