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Why do you choose to stay alive?

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Though I have dealt with these thoughts, very strongly at times, when push comes to shove, I know that, for me it is wrong. Though my life is not the desired norm, there is a purpose to it somehow. And I will have to answer to God with what I do with it. He is the giver and taker of life, whether we are able to understand the whys of the whole thing, fair or not. If there were no higher power than myself, then suicide would not hold me back. And having almost died before complete with a very spiritual encounter with Jesus, I believe my life is not my own to take. This does not mean that I have not seriously considered throwing things to the wind and driving off a cliff. I have struggled with ways to stop my life. Suicide thoughts have nipped at my heels a lot lately. But, there remains an undercurrent of hope for better times. And as what has been mentioned, though I might end my life, the ripple affect would unfairly hurt the innocent around me, causing their own sense of loss and trauma. I don't want to be blamed for another's hurt. I've experienced and caused enough upset in the family circle. In a way, I think it is better to contain a deadly bomb inside me rather than to unleash it, causing more hurt and trauma to the innocent around me. So, instead, I have sought mental health help with hopes of improving my inside turmoil and frustrations. The big "S" is a bully and false solution.
 
As someone who has dealt with these feelings and attempts for 30 years now I have come up with some reasons for me to stay alive in that moment.

I have people and pets that need me.
I have children that would damage them more than already
I'm curious about what is next.
I have something planned that I'm obligated to see out first (anything to buy you time)
Someone's birthday or holiday is coming up
We can't afford a funeral right now (yes I'm serious)

The biggest for me is knowing that this is temporary. These feelings, this darkness, the physical pain are all going to pass. Just like the good times and my life. It will all end at some point. I don't know when and this is my only chance to be me and experience this life. I don't care what your belief is, this is our one chance to be us. Believe in an after life or believe there is nothing, even if it's reincarnation this is the only time you get to have this body and this life. I want to see where the road ends by traveling it.

I hope this helps and good luck making it through!
 
I have had constant depression daily from one degree or another since I was 7 on daily basis. It's taken a while to find something to focus on to keep me here. I have 3 cats, they are my children and I can't leave them. Sometimes that's all that keeps be here. An additional factor is after I lost my mom...I can't put my dad through that overwhelming grief again. He barely knows the surface of what went on with me and I don't want him to have to go through the million questions, blaming himself, and is struggling already with deep depression. Even if I were gone, I feel I'd still feel extremely guilty for causing him more pain.,There are moments when I can't even talk to my cats. I completely shut down and go mute. When I get to that point I know it's really bad. Right now though...I can't leave my children, but it's still hard to fight some days. You aren't alone. Try to focus on that one thing, even if you think others would find it trivial... It only matters how it makes you feel better.
 
Five furry reasons
They hyper mutt, who had so much trauma in his past life that it's taken me years to rehab him. He still clings to me for support at times and doesn't fully trust anyone else. He is lying sprawled on my couch right now, his head on a pillow and his arm stretched out on the arm. I brought him safety, I can't take that away. And the joy I saw yesterday when we got out at dawn, with the snow pouring down.

The bunny - who has discovered friends (mellow cat), the warmth of indoors, and the adventures of getting out of her cage regularly. She came from a hoarding situation. And she's an old lady now. She wouldn't be very adoptable. And any group that would take her as a rescue would want to spay her and the idea of her going through that at her age is so scary. The brightness in her face and the playfullness she shows when we are on the couch together

Mellow cat- The only one who would probably do fine in another home. He's such an adaptable and easy guy. We've been together for a long time though. And I know I will do my best to deal with his numerous and nasty allergies. And I love seeing his unflappable nature and his warmth against me

Mr Feral cat- Another rescue who only trusts me. He's only just starting to have *any* trust in any other human. I've given him security and love and I know he doesn't want to lose that. How long would it take for him to adept if I was gone? Would he? I love the silly way he plays. He love how he holds my hand and wants tummy rubs as if he was a dog

Special pup- My baby. Heh. Never thought I'd feel that way about any critter. She was so tiny, helpless and damaged when she came to me. She was so desperately in need. I remember lying on the floor beside her, as she recovered from surgery number 2. She would only stop crying if I was there beside her. She's overcome every odd and is my inspiration. And she needs me. I am her "service human". I understand her needs. And that calmness and strength I feel when we hug. The way she leans against me and that bond that doesn't really have words.
 
seen many people trying to kill themselves... saw them hanging on a rope, cut open or going crazy on drugs/alcohol.. lost a coworker to suicide, and few more atempted suicides... and closer to home... my aunt wanted to do it, my mother tried in front of me when i was young, wich almost killed me too... last year my mom was suicidal again..
so i know how it feels to be on the other side of it... and do not want anyone to go trough that.
but still lately ive been feeling more and more suicidal..
i guess my sister is the one who keeps me here. she is the only one i could not leave behind. i've survived two atempts on my life... so i guess i can survive this feelings too.
 
Lately I've been thinking about what's so bad about ending it. I'm not depressed anymore but I'm so fecking done with our society and the many, MANY stupid and useless people in it - really, if only the good people were to remain alive only about 5% of the world might be worth saving.

For now I'm staying alive because there are a few things I want to do before I die but I, like most everyone else, have to jump through hoops just to go from one day to another - and for what? Our governments are total crap, stupid is the new black, creativity is being choked to death. To save my sanity and get better I ended up moving to another fecking continent where I can feel safe when I go to the supermarket! This is not the world I want to live in.
 
When things fall apart, that message....betteroffbeinggone....jumps in but my protector....GottagetanA+ kicks in and says there is nothing more humiliating than a failed attempt, waking up in a hospital, looking around thinking fXck I failed at this too? I am a real loser.... and the outcome of this mess-up could be worse than you have at this moment and doing it wrong could leave you a vegetable or worse....controlled by others.....never trusted by anyone.....and my moral part says....it can't be messy, or gross, or smelly...I can't leave others traumatized by these intentional actions like I've been (that's preventable trauma)......, that would be sooooo wrong.....and so.....this doesn't last long....I remain standing. I'm in check. So far this is working.....
 
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