How Do You Cope With Angry People?

[rainy_daze]

I'm not in denial that I get angry. I've posted enough in the What Made You Angry thread to know that I do.

There are angry people in my life that cannot be cut out. They will not change, because that is just how they are. They aren't always angry, but when they are, it is explosive and I usually shut down, which makes their anger and shouting worse. Sometimes I argue back, although a lot less now. I want an easier life with less shouting from others, but I cannot expect them to change. They don't want to change.

My therapist said one time that I was the one at the end of therapy, and to remember that other people haven't been through it [therapy]. I think this relates. I will try and grow to handle things better. Others in my life will act the way they always have. The difference is I would say sorry if I spoke to someone in an unreasonable way.

How do you deal with angry people? How do you stop yourself from feeling their negativity, or how do you recover after an angry incident?

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Rainy,

I am terrible as soon as someone even raises their voice I just run or shutdown, I have always been the same and I have to try and learn that everyone isn't angry just because they speak a little louder than normal. I wish I knew and it may help me, I hope you get lots of replies.

Sammy

 

[Go Hungry]

I wish I could say something that would help, but I've cut out all the angry people in my life. Normally I just get stone-faced and unemotional. I know it's not the best response, but I can't really afford to do other things in my situation. :poop:

 

[Deleted member 20280]

How do you stop yourself from feeling their negativity, or how do you recover after an angry incident?

I previously threaded, https://www.myptsd.com/threads/whats-on-your-top-ten-list.45122/ Which is the Ten Favourite things to do to take a You time and treat yourself.

Remember you can pick a movie with favourite takeaway, bottle of soda/fizzy (no alcohol) and favourite pudding or sweets,
Even cudddled up in pyjamas and floppy slippers.... No Santa is NOT! posting pictures of Santa wearing Tiger slippers and a onesea!

@rainy_daze I wish you every peace and send Santa:hug:s from the WestCountry.

Laurie

 

[Chava]

Initially I hear them out. But if they are angry all the time or without goodreason (like they are paranoid or angry at me for not being a better friend when I'm a colleague and need to focus on my job. Anger in other people doesn't bug me. But it's usually not my responsibility. If it's coming from someone who is trying to pull me into his or her conflict as a way to either be my bst friend or sabbatoge me, then I have boundaries. I talk as little as possible, have my own space, and for the crazy situations I document because a couple angry people I know go around lying or with missing information because they are fearful-paranoid...but they act angry. In more normal situations I might suggest we go for a walk (like a friend or mentee is angry)...get out some of that energy while talking it out.

Anger alone doesn't bug me (anger from my mom still makes me freeze...but I haven't met anyone like her...if the devil and Medusa had a baby, it was my mom when she was angry). But generally my response to anger depends a lot on my relationship to the angry person, as well as what the anger is about

 

[maryiscontrary]

I honestly try to validate and hear them out, but if the energy escalates and they are not hearing me, I immediately vacate the premises.

 

[rainy_daze]

@Sammyiam That's interesting about how sometimes loudness can be interpreted as someone being angry. I hope there are replies that can help you too Sammy.

I'm talking about family really shouting at you though. Out of control anger over tiny things. No matter what I say, no matter how much I say sorry, no matter how much I explain why I made a mistake. It's ridiculous. I'm not a child any more. What happened to learning to communicate like an adult? Anger is fine. This level of anger and hurling it towards me until I break, is not fine.

@Go Hungry I'm kicking myself for not moving years ago. I stayed close by for family, and maybe I was wrong to do so. The stone-faced shut down can make the shouting a lot worse. I can't cut them out because I love them :cry:. They have their flaws, but who doesn't?

I've cut out friends along the way, and I cut out my father [that was really one of the best things I did for myself]. Does your life feel easier without the angry people Go Hungry?

@Santa_Laurie I loved that idea, and I carry around my list with me in my handbag :):hug:.

@Chava I hear them out. I acknowledge why they are angry. I say sorry. My responses seem to go unheard or antagonises them. The level of anger is unreasonable. I'm sick of people going :mad: at me.

It's good that anger doesn't bug you Chava, but maybe you're different from me. Being shouted at for half an hour straight? Being shouted at over something minor? Being worried I'll set someone's anger off or that they'll be angry when I'm around? No, I'm not settling for it any more due to the impact it has on my health.

@maryiscontrary I think you are wise to leave if it is too much after hearing them out.

One of the worst arguments for me was in a situation where I physically couldn't get away [I was on holiday, no one needs to worry, I realise that sentence came across a bit :eek:]. That was last year though, and not the same family member as today.

I know walking away in arguments is usually an option. I usually don't because it can cause further stress later on, or a lot of guilt. Today just really upset me.

 

[Chava]

No, being shouted at for half an hour is where I'd set a boundary by walking out in a few minutes..and leaving a phone message offering to talk (only if it's really necessary) when it can be done without yelling. I do have boundaries...I just don't have people yelling at me like this. I talk to colleagues who are often justifiably angry. But no, at this level I would refuse to participate. Then you're basically a punching bag for their anger release....I doubt any reasonable communication is happening.

 

[rainy_daze]

I couldn't walk away Chava, I was on holiday. I waited until they were asleep and went out into a foreign country in the middle of the morning in the dark and called my partner, which I don't think was safe for me, being in an unknown place and at that time. But I couldn't just walk away during the shouting marathon. It isn't always that simple.

You have a point about refusing to participate @Chava . I think maybe I need to do that in a more physical way if it is possible, by just leaving, even if it causes stress and guilt later on. However, I can see me doing this and then being told that I was over reacting. It's a tough decision. The idea of calling and leaving a message is good, but only if the family member doesn't answer to shout more.

I really thought because I said sorry that would be enough in today's incident. Ugh.

I wish they'd get their shit together in all honesty, my family. I'm too tired for it. I know they won't change, so I think I have to learn to cope with it somehow. Minimising contact maybe :cry:. It's a lot to think about. So much stress in this cup, I need to look after myself.

 

[Chava]

Yes, if you have to stay with them, how can you create boundaries they won't break through? Last time I lived with my family it was acceptable for e ti cloise myself in my room for a few hours in the evening to practice my violin....which was a necessary goal for my future in music. But at the time I just appreciated my space away from them....nobody could chew me out for studying or practicing or having work to do. Anyway, even when we're with others we can create physical and emotiinal boundaries...it's just more challening....hope you find a little peace and quiet.

 

[Suzetig]

This is a good question for me, asically I can't cope with angry people at all. I ant cope with people shouting at me or slamming around the place etc, I do shut down, feel exceptionally anxious and invariably end up in tears. I know it's because I had very abusive parents who would completely loose control of themselves when they were angry and it really triggers me now. I do like that rope ten list thoug - I'll look there for some self care ideas.

 

[Friday]

1) Yelling doesn't scare me. It annoys me, makes me angry, or doesn't affect me at all.

- If it annoys me, I ignore it. Rock on with your bad self. But it's not going to get you anywhere. In fact, it's going to get you rather less than you would have gotten without yelling.
- If it makes me angry, I walk out. Period. Middle of Thanksgiving dinner I packed up my son and walked out. If you want me to come back, you're not going to pick a fight with me. Because I'll win, and we'll both be sorry.
- If it doesn't affect me at all about half the time I play with it, (I have a household rule that yelling is 100% okay if there is danger!, or you're far away. So I do that: walking further away, or drop to a crouch and look for invading Martians or whatever. I'll also play deaf. -Huh? I can't hear you? Sheesh. Speak. Up.), and about half the time I'll simply just ask them to stop.

2) Whether it annoys me, makes me angry, or doesn't affect me depends 100% on who is yelling & what it's about.

I'm exMilitary, so I have a quirky view of "can't". There has only been 2 times in my life where "can't" actually applies. Like in the military you can't quit your job. Any other job I can quit. Buh-bye. See ya. Ditto family stuff, friend stuff, neighbor stuff, etc. I am under no kind of obligation to put up with anything that scares me or makes me mad. I have a dozen or more other options that might not be a Cush as what I have if I choose to put up with you... but if your yelling is making them more attractive, or it's teaching you bad habits, done. I'm gone.

I've played that card many, many times. Sometimes I get a bonus, and a person actually changes their behavior / wants me back / and has just realized I'm serious. But that's a bonus. I'm not trying to manipulate anyone into changing. I'm just done being annoyed or angry. If they choose to change, it's on them. Most of the time, I simply get a new job, make new friends, etc. For me, it's 100% worth it.

Every other time? It's not that I can't walk out.
It's that I'm choosing not to.
I may not like the choice, but it's my own, for my own reasons.
And having that choice? Priceless.