How Do You Cope With Seeing Your Abuser?

[Firefly44]

I can usually act very normal with my dad -- it's part of my coping mechanism since growing up I had to pretend every day that nothing was wrong; I used to 'forget' even that the abuse was happening.

But before or after my or his visits, things fall apart. Not with him but with my then-boyfriend/now ex. For example, last Christmas, when I was home, I convinced myself that I did not love my boyfriend and he could not possibly love me. The thoughts were so real and so strong I believed them to be true and broke up with my boyfriend. The time before that, when I visited my parents with my boyfriend, I convinced myself that I was faking orgasms. That I was such a horrible person that I was faking our most intimate moments.

It's not that my dad does or says anything to me. The abuse ended years ago. But simply being around him throws my mind into the darkest places.

My boyfriend and I broke up three months ago. Over this past week, I've texted/gchatted/emailed him in so many moments of panic. He's not even around anymore and I continue to try to push him away. I say mean things to him to goad him into saying mean things to me. Not because he's done anything but because I know my parents are in town and I have to see them. My dad called me the other day and soon afterwards I was triggered by another event which resulted in my most recent conflict with my ex. I've since decided I need to break this viscous cycle and am pausing all communications with my ex.

I guess my question is: how do you cope with seeing your abuser? What has helped you break misplaced and vicious cycles of lashing out?

 

[verasdfghjkl]

Hi Firefly,

unfortunately I don't have an answer to your question, as I recognize your problem. My father molested me until I was 19 I think, and the first year I started talking about the things that happened back then was when I was 20, when I started college in another city. I immediately felt like I was betraying myself by still visiting my parents, felt difficulty coping with that.

I had to tell myself that if anything, I don't owe them any thing, and that they would rather owe me anything, so if I want to visit them less, this should be acceptable. Right now I only visit them when I really have to (due to circumstances, I have 4 younger brothers/sisters and a mother who all depend on him and his behaviour. As he is retiring now and they are preparing themselves to move away, these are times when I want to see what's going on over there.)

As far as your situation with your ex goes, I can't be of any help to you... I am uncapable of having someone that close to me and I shut them out even before it can begin. But maybe this connection between my father who I have never trusted and me not trusting everyone on this planet who wants to get close to me could help you in the way that you kind of (I'm so so sorry if I'm being mean or insulting, I'm not from the States and I could'nt find other words or way to describe it) pushed him away?

The beginning part where you say you're kind of used to coping with your dad and putting that mask on everytime you see him, but also always feel anxious or on your toes around him, is the exact way I feel when I'm around him.

Also, I think you're a really brave person to be able to be in a relationship with someone, with your past. I really admire that.

Sorry I don't have the answers, but I feel like I relate a lot to you. I hope you can find a way for yourself to kind of be the own boss of when you want to see them or not. The most wonderful thing about the situation of not living there anymore is my personal freedom and the fact that I can sort of make my own decisions instead of being completely controlled and feeling like living in a prison. All the best to you.

 

[Firefly44]

verasdghjkl, Thank you. If nothing else, it is also encouraging to hear that others are facing the same challenge. That is not some particular weakness in me that makes it so hard.

I did realize after yesterday that I can and need to set boundaries. I've done a lot of work on forgiving my father, but I still have a lot of rage. In order to truly overcome this and be the person I know I am, I have allow myself to say no when they want to talk / or when I feel guilty for not being a good daughter. It might hurt and confuse him and my mother in the short term-- but it will help in the long run. At the least, it will reduce the number of times my old habits of anger are triggered so that I can work through them.

Thank you.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate to your acting normal during, as that's what I did on various occasions with various abusers. I would bluff big but after seeing the persons (except for last time, when my adult stranger rapist stood at the front desk and I helped him register for a program - he didn't recognize me, but I did him and all his personal information was at my fingertips)... I would have a major melt down and depression.

The last time, I faired better. No big melt down... just a lot of hypervigilence for a while and some obsessive/compulsive reoccurring thoughts for about two weeks.

I have actually run into 5 of my abusers. At my job, at an airport, at another military base at a club, my ex husband three times in person, then my father on multiple occasions.

My present spouse was the one who remarked early on in our marriage about my tendency to provoke a disturbance or argument or full out verbal fight on the heels of something stressful that had to do with my abuse. So I relate to that as well.

What has helped me to break out of the cycle? Learning new coping tools, learning and trusting in communication (primarily with my spouse or my three friendships), and recognizing that by being reactive and provoking people who care about me to shunt off the stress... well I was hurting them and staying in denial about what the problem really was. I was picking a disturbance with the people who cared about me the most.

It was a two sided sword. On the one hand, it helped me to establish some trust that even in extreme difficulty my spouse wasn't going to abandon or abuse me. On the other hand, I shunted off the emotions and projected them onto somebody undeservedly. By repetition this put a strain on relationships I wanted to keep and I was the one who hurt somebody.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I was just about to post something very similar when I found your post. I'm struggling with something similar for me it's a sibling. I'm so glad I found this thread. It's the hardest thing in the world to have to see someone who has caused so much pain.

My partner asked me why I don't just cut all ties. To be honest I really and truly don't know it's so hard when it's a family member. I think I'm also very worried about all the questions it would raise in the family. I don't want to do that to my family or myself.

Anyway I'm waffling. Thank you for posting. Xx

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My abusers were my parents and now they are both dead so I do not have to deal with that.

I have a past relationship with a couple that were so toxic and bad for me I disconnected from them.

The problem I have with this is that eventually I will run into one of them and I know it will be so triggering for me.

I keep hoping that it will not happen and I can stay away from them. They did Spiritual Abuse to me. Long story .

The wife is the grandmother of my youngest granddaughter and she wants to see her and is slowly worming her way back into our lives by visiting with the granddaughter.

I will do anything not to see her, but I have to be prepared for it just in case, and it scares the hell out of me to think about facing her.

I do not think I can do it. I am making plans not to be available for a encounter with her. I still have too many hard feelings towards her still. It is all very complicated.

I am not strong enough to face her. I do not have to worry about the husband yet, I hope.

This is my daughters decision to allow her back into our lives and I think she has been very good at protecting me from her.

I know it is amazing what one can do without any choice. I speak from personal experience.

My heart goes out to you. I am not as strong as you are. So you must be very strong to do that.

 

[y5L]

My boss can attest to how absolutely off the wall I get for weeks before having to make the trip out to where my family lives.

Though not necessarily the trauma that triggered PTSD for me, my father was physically and is still verbally abusive. I have learned to severely limit these trips. Though it takes me 6 hours to drive there I rarely stay at their house more than 15 hours. And it used to be only once a year. Right now it's been a year and a half. I haven't been back since some repressed memories came to the surface, and I'm not going back without bringing a close friend.

I think that's the key for me- I'm not going alone. Not for now. And the plan is to go there for a day, then spend the rest of the week on vacation in a nearby city. That way I have that vacation to focus on- I will have less time to freak out about my trip "home" because I will have 4 super fun days to plan out. And I can choose to participate in that fun time and build new memories instead of replaying the old ones and analyzing every interaction.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hear the Applause? You have all your bases covered and I am so happy that you are not going alone and will have some fun afterwards. Good for you. You are very wise to have come up with such a good plan. I hope your family is not so intense with another person beside you. Hoping they will put on a all is fine face while you are there. Funny how a sympathetic witness calms them down. I am really impressed with your plan and I hope that much healing comes to you through this fine plan.