How Do You Deal With An Impossible Colleague?

[Chava]

A lot of her behaviors are like BPD or even Autism spectrum. She is obsessive, controlling, and if she thinks you are not her best friend she will obsessively look for little imperfections and make them more grandiose in her head so she can go to administration. Like stuff in my hallway. I told her I was busy at the moment (she does not read busy cues or listen when you talk...she's stuck on her point so she kept going...robot-like...my perspective was not something she could even hear, so I knew I was ready to shut her down and get her out of my way so could work. I told I would move some of the stuff later, but didn't think it was a hazard right now. She e-mailed my boss (long, neurotic e-mail that I got to see). And she rearranged everything I said...I'm negligent and careless and she is MOther Theresa of order. I'm very flexible. I work with 12-year-olds!! This teacher is extremely rigid, moreso as she in on the path of looking, obsessively, for ways to drag me down. I'v made it clear I don't want to be her friend, so now she's out to wreck my career. I think the new admins know she is not quite right in the head. And I would assume sick of her nit-picking everything she can find. She doesn't work enough...that's a problem. She needs to be BUSY and stop obsessing or creating conflicts. I don't have time for it!! I love my job and have lots of REAL WORK to do!!!

So, I sort of blew her off this morning because I was so busy and she was not reading my cues and all...she went on and on and on...obsessed with fixing the stuff in the hall NOW. If I'm indirect with her, he makes stuff up and reports it. If I'm direct with her, like, "I can't talk about this right now, I'm busy." Then she feels somehow criticized, rejected, and still willing to make a case that I don't care....

Anyway, it's not a safety issue. I got to see the long, neurotic note she sent to the admins. And the admins were like .."meh"'"....kids will be okay. So she has to find a new way to obsessive and take me down. She is extremely rigid and I'm extremely flexible. I hope she sees me chewing gum in my office after lunch and writes another long e-mail to my boss, reminding me of the gum rules. She's such a dumbshit. i'm taking the low-engagement approach (very little positive or negative interaction). That seems to make her more crazy, but that's her shit storm. I need too focus on doing my job.

If she could have an eval to see why she wrecks every relationship and creeps people out, it would be much easier for me to have compassion. But she's just mean. She believes she is Mother Theresa, maybe makes up for her lack of teaching skills, and the rest of us are horrible, horrible. people. She's burned lots of bridges, even in the office so her games might now work much longer. On top of the huge amount of energy I give my kids, I can't manage working with her. She is always trying to sabbatoge me. I have a great job, but won't tolerate much mores shit from her...I just dont' have time!!

 

[joeylittle]

Hey there @Chava - I've moved you over to Employment and Education, since this is really a workplace-specific issue.

i'm taking the low-engagement approach (very little positive or negative interaction). That seems to make her more crazy, but that's her shit storm. I need too focus on doing my job.

In my opinion, this is the best course of action. I wish I were better at doing this with some of my more bizarre colleagues. But staying non-interactive is sort of the opposite of this:

On top of the huge amount of energy I give my kids, I can't manage working with her. She is always trying to sabbatoge me. I have a great job, but won't tolerate much mores shit from her...I just dont' have time!!

So I guess the big decision is whether or not you want to take this to the administration in a calm but detailed way. Is your boss also her boss?

 

[Chava]

My boss has been a little clued in (and on his first meeting of her, he asked another colleague if she had Aspergers...his first impression of her). She played a lot of "poor me, nobody likes me" with the old boss, who took her under her wing...and to hell with the rest of the department. Secretaries have since apologized for thinking we were all horrible people. So she had the whole administration on her side against her peers. She isolated a new teacher from all other peers (how UNHELPFUL) and brainwashed her into thinking they were all bad and only she was good. That new teacher ended up quitting her contract. Also, I'm a good teacher, but the old boss who loved this unwell girl threatened to fire me for some minor form thing I didn't complete....she was so believing I was a terrible person. Union said her note was b.s. and had it pulled from my file.

So my former boss had serious weaknesses and boundary problems...and ability to fall for all-or-nothing thinking. This girl is very divisive (classic workplace borderline). But in some of her communications I can't tell if she's dissociated or if she really is on the autisum spectrum. I just wish I knew so I could figure out how to work with her better. BUT, I'm well respected by my boss and don't complain...unless she does or sets it up that I have to clarify. I think it's going to somehow get worse before it gets better. It helps that I'm very busy. She is not...being paid full time for just sitting at her desk, doing nothing, half the day. That's dangerous. She'll be obsessing more, complaining more, creating conflicts where there weren't really conflicts, and I hope the admins just get tired and response to her long, neurotic e-mails with "mehhh". If you tell her to get help, or get a good eval, she'll find a way to have you fired somehow. So everyone has to back off, exactly what she hates, because there is simply no way to maintain a decent relationship with her. Too difficult. 11 year olds I get. Not adults with whatever this is...

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'd fill out an incident report on her when she overwhelms you and explain that she is creating a hostile work environment, and I'd suggest the other teachers do the same. I learned this strategy when my sons 6th grade science teacher, who had a bad reputation but the school board said they couldn't do anything without documentation, harassed him constantly. I got a call from a parent of one of his classmates who came home in tears because the teacher took a vote in class to see who thought my son would make it to 7th grade. This mom and I got letters from other parents whose children verified this fact and when the school board got the letters, she was fired. It still upsets me to even write this god damnit.
You have a right to work in peace. Document, document, document.

 

[ghotiff]

I agree with documenting but at this stage I don't think you should do anything with it. But...if the time comes and it's a she said / you said scenario with huge ramifications for you, then in front of HR pull out a massive file of notes, rifle though then to get to the one for "this" incident. Haveing facts written at the time makes all the difference, especially if anything is verified by another person.

But other than this, I agree with your ignore strategy. She will destroy herself eventually if you stay out of her way.

 

[Chava]

@KwanYingirl that's HORRIBLE what the teacher did to your son.

I do document stuff and partly it helps that this girl is so awkward in face-to-face confrontation. Like too bad she tried a little while ago but took no cues and didn't even leave when I told her I WOULD deal with her concern later (not right this second). Just super awkward and she gets pushy because I don't think she's hearing, she's just trying for one sort of very specific reaction from people and anything else is like unmanageable. Anyway, so most of the time she just has to e-mail others, even if they are like 20 feet from her. So there is a e-mail chain. I think she feels okay in e-mail because she probably feels safe from her tantrums or that void she slips into when someone actually responds to her directly. She uses articulate adult language. But in this last situation I was able to respond to everyone, in the e-mail, with clarification. And I'm simply more credible (not that it's about picking sides, but she's the one who sets up divisions and goes out of her way to drag people down if she senses they might not like her....often beginning with something paranoid, like they are simply talking to someone else). She's burned a load of bridges. Knowing this, I knew she'd probably get more crazy. And even if I'm "safe" it totally rattles me. I keep a good amount of space, but it's hard to have a friendly response towards her, which would help the situation. But I just can't do it. I'm not mean. I listen. I respond in some sort of compromising way. But I'm cold-ish and it probably comes down to me not responding exactly the way she has it played out in her head.

Too high maintenance!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

No kidding!

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Chava.
I can't remember whether I left this previously or erased it before posting.

Does your phone have a sound recording feature or ap available for it?

You've previously written that the woman's recollections of interactions and events are very different to other peoples recollections of the same events. audio recording could be very useful in addition to dated notes, especially if there's a date and time display.

There are many reasons why you might have been recording sound, for example as a quick and private way of journaling, or even as a shopping list and aide de memoir.



Now that you mention an asperger like awkwardness, I think that there is something in that, both in the woman who you are describing and in the two individuals whom I've known well, who had some borderline traits:

The disbelief and rage when she expects other individuals actions and reactions to conform to her own inner narrative, and they fail to do that for her, certainly seems to have that quality to it.

I used to think of it in terms of when I was about six or seven years old, and getting lumped with playing with a bunch of girls who were around that age. One of them would take charge of the game: "and you do this, then she does that, and I say..." and then tears and rage because I (an awkward male) had somehow managed to ruin it all for her.

 

[Chava]

Yes, her need to control others and her environment is very high. Admittedly I butt heads with her badly because when I'm under stress I become more flexible (I work with kids, so this seems helpful) and appreciate flexibility in the environment. I have almost zero tolerance for her obsessiveness and rigidity...which seems to make me a target of her paranoia and greater need to find a way to exert control. She'll find ways to complain and get new (stupid) rules created so she can play cop and "tell" on me. I do hope the change in admin is seeing through the games.

I know bpd and aspbergers are not the same at all, and I know I can't diagnose anyone. Based on things she's said, I'm pretty sure there is a trauma element. But she also has several autism-y behaviors (and I think autism-spectrum is less recognized in girls and women, probably because of how they are socialized...lots of imitating "normal" social interactions). Not knowing what's really up with her, it helps to view her behavior from both those perspectives sometimes because you have to be so careful. She is overly pleasant sometimes, like exaggerated "Good Morning!" to everyone (so to people who don't know her, she seems extremely friendly)...she's extremely literal, like she really can't even understand a joke or sarcasm. And anything other than her being 100% right, all-holy, in-control-of-everything becomes like fertilizer for her stewing paranoia and rage. She's very manipulative but I don't know how much of her point of view is actually about needing total affirmation or actually about not reading normal cues at all. I also don't give off clear cues all the time because I'm somewhat reserved to begin with, and because I'm trying to just keep a sort of distance from her without being stand-off-ish. It helps that I'm just incredibly busy. But her demanding a fix to a few boxes against the wall RIGHT NOW really pisses me off. I can't work with that. Yet sort of shutting her down just inflames the whole situation.

For now I'm just going to keep going about my business. I don't know if I have a recording feature. But I do make a point to not talk to her alone ever. And she is not welcome to barge into my office...she seems to get that clue at least. In this case she was in my doorway. It also helps to know, if she gets crazier, that my entire department has a history with her and knows she's a liar. So does half the office staff. That being said, I don't go around disparaging her and would like to just keep a cool distance and see if I could trust her in like...five more years. But she needs a sort of black-and-white validation on everything NOW. She knows I don't trust her much or like her much either. Instead of just giving me space and focusing on her work she's hawk-like watching for ways to drag me down.

I love my work. Through everything, it's been the one thing I feel good about and the area where I feel good about myself. So I'm also probably hyper-vigilant about someone trying to sh*t all over it because of their unresolved personal issues. I feel really exhausted, like there is no safe place, no place I can feel good anymore.

Oops. Another long rant, thanks for "listening."

 

[Anarchy]

Length of post isn't a problem at all:hug:. I think the discipline of ordering our thoughts helps, and so does getting them out of our heads and into writing.

I keep trying to think of ways to fix this for you - male thought patterns, I'm afraid...

I think you have got essentially the right strategy, of avoiding contact and refusing to allow your emotions or responses be manipulated.

Stay safe and I hope you have a good evening. It's bed time here. I'll be posting again tomorrow :hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava. I'm so sorry you have this to deal with. I can't think of anyone I've worked with that was so dysfunctional. I mean, does she have a life outside of school or any hobbies(other than spewing garbage all over her co workers). Frankly, she sounds like she is jealous. Yuk. Maybe she'll change grades.

 

[Chava]

Jealousy is probably an issue for her, too. I don't think she has many serious relationships and she is honestly not busy enough at work, so she creates meaningless issues. And I'm afraid I'm stuck with her...why I wonder if I want to do this for another decade or two (probably not). But we'll see. She's sort of burning out her positive connections because people can't trust her, so part of me still hopes she'll go get help or looks for control or power elsewhere. She definitely needs more work on her plate to help absorb her crazy energy. Not that I have any hope she will ever understand flexible thinking.