General How Do You Deal With Family Reactions To PTSD?

[hopelives]

My parents ahve been really wonderful BUT my mum keeps harping on about how much damage my husband is doing to the children. A bit like if my kids throw a tantrum or are difficult about food than she says Oh it is because of their father. Now I do know that at times my husband hasn't been the father the kids need and they are naughty acting but at times But all in all they are good kids they have their moments.

Part of the reason I backed off with discipline was because of my mothers comments. To which end the kids just ran riot. I have now regained control and things are good. She keeps saying to me that it will take years to fix the damage. I dont believe that I do believe that the kid are ok. The therapist thought they were normal with occassional acting out it is ok. We are very open and honest with them and they dont at any time blame themselves for dads sad moods.

Also I home school them and that is going well for us. One of my children needs the extra attention. My mum has now said that I need to put them in school so they can be away from the house. As my house is toxic. UMM ok

Also she said my kids are never happy. That is just untrue. Honestly I think that she thinks because my husband is sad and down that we all aren't happy. We are constantly laughing and we do a lot of fun things together me and the kids.

I feel today like my mum has just made me feel guilty and like rubbish. I know that wasn't her intent but I just need building up not tearing down.

 

[becvan]

Honestly it sounds like your Mom is the toxic one. Not sure what advice to give other than to really have a good look at your relationship with your mother and to try to set some healthy boundaries with her.

bec

 

[amethist]

Hi sickofit

Mums do try and protect their children, but they also sometimes go about it the wrong way. Maybe you could suggest to her that she asks you how things are and not comment about what she sees as being wrong.

All family's are different, we all bring our children up to how we think is the best way for them. If your kids are basically happy laughing out going kids, the there should be no problem.

Why don't you just sit back one day and watch how your kids play and interact with everyone, if its like all other kids do, then carry on as you are. Home schooling sounds interesting for both you and your kids, as long as they have all the stuff kids get in school, then keep going with that too.

You will feel a bit rubbish from what she said, but anyone would with all thats going on right now, positive help and comments would be more help for all of you. You could always ask her if she would like to help out a bit more, could help her see it is not all doom and gloom.

Amethist

 

[hopelives]

Thanks. I have been thinking about this all day. I love my mum and I also she is a really big help. She is scared about this whole thing. She is worried I am throwing away my life with someone that is stunted. I totally understand what she is saying and I also think that she has made me see things today. I did sit back and saw how they acted. They did really well. Also I have chosen to just relax and stop being so upset sometimes when I talk to her.

 

[anni]

Hi sickofit,

You don't suffer from PTSD, it's your husband but you seem to be getting some reactivity in that way regardless- and don't blame you. I just know when I was watching my children go through what they did ( which WAS my 'fault' ) I allowed them SO much lee-way for a time that it was also a little tough getting them 'back'. I did though, like you, since of course we're not idiots in the end and it's so much better for them! You sound really, really self aware across the board, you know, as a wife, mother AND daughter.

I think Amethist had 'it' very well, and in your answer you said 'the rest' so will not say anything just to hear myself blow hot air. :) It's just that the PTSD SO often sort of spreads itself through so many relationships, doesn't it? It's good you see that. He has it (PTSD) so the family dynamics become skewed, you need your mother's support and she becomes worried and reactive also, which threatens your own relationship with her, etc. etc. Heck, from 'out here' even I was a little reactive thinking SHE was being dreadful, at first. It's just that one of the hugest 'things' with this ridiculous PTSD is the ability ( and remembering to use it ) to 'step back' from the first, over-the-top emotional reaction and process the thing across the board to perhaps examine it's genuineness. You certainly have that ability, but interesting to see Carers also get sort of swept up in our dynamics!

This is a long reply, for someone who initially claimed she had nothing to add, I know. :) It just seemed valuable, this back and forth from you and Amethist, since it highlights something I've often been guilty of NOT being able to do in the last 20 years. Step back, process, look at the who/what/when/how's and breathe a bit and then sometimes the PTSD picture is a whole lot clearer and one hasn't made a big mess of something. As you have not. :)

 

[hopelives]

Anni that is so true. Amazing how you nailed it on the head. :) Even for someone that had NOTHING to add.lol