I used to be detached from the child me. I called her my name, as if I was the fake me, and she was the real one. I used to feel like I'd changed myself so much, that the way I acted and the person I had become was one big defense mechanism. And when I looked to the past and saw this little girl, I had no emotional connection to her. She was me... but I wasn't her. I loved this little girl though, but I did not love myself, because I knew that I was not her anymore. I was a fake image... just a shield to protect the young one inside of me. But once I met my boyfriend, the only person who I've ever thought I could be myself around, the only person who I thought would never hurt me, I began seeing the little girl come back. I began laughing again, I was a giggle box, just like when I was little. I felt love for myself again. And best of all, I got her memories back and I had her vivid emotions. The two parts of me were integrated into one, and I finally feel whole again.
I think the key to integrating the two parts, is to give the little girl inside of you, what she needs to come out. For me, she disappeared and got hidden away during the summer when I turned 13. No one accepted her for who she was, everyone made fun of her, so she disappeared and a false Me took her place. For the next 4 years she tried to come out. I'd let my guard down, but be hurt again for being myself, and so she'd go deeper inside of me. But finally I found someone who accepted me and loved me for who I really am. He loved the true me that that little girl was a part of. And so she was able to fully come out, and I was able to heal and feel complete again. (Although that little girl still has some repressed memories that only time will allow me to access.)
Now when I look back to the past and see me as a little girl, I think, "I was such a great girl," not "Res was such a great girl."
