How Do You Define Emergency?

[Sideways]

It allows me to put myself aside and not be a ruminating daisy and do my fricking job.

Here's a crazy fact: most people spend a whole lotta their time thinking about themselves. Neurotypical thing to do. So, being a 'ruminating daisy' would make you a tad healthy. It would also mean, potentially, doing some more recovery junk. Which is tedious. But apparently at the end of it all is a life worth living for its own sake (sounds like crazy talk!).

Minding me for mesake wastes time.

And there it is. Trauma talk. The thing that makes us all the same regardless of the trauma we've experienced in our lives: I don't matter.

You're wrong on that, by the way.
But then, apparently so am I.

Coming at the concept of "maybe I matter", or "maybe I might matter to me one day" isn't crisis-period stuff to tackle.

But, maybe be aware that you're avoiding it *ducks to dodge shoe thrown by Ronin*.

 

[Ronin]

I'm not throwing shoes at homies that are on top of being homies, also damned helping / patient with my crazy. ;) I might, however, invite you for a dinner.

//

Marked space to respond to @Mee soonish. Imo ime if it affects your senses & ability to orient in anything, like loss of sight, it's hella more in emergency lane than all clear roads, wait with that stuff for next week.

And depending on where you are it's also get you out of there ASAP.

As in ambulance crew and people trashing you were morons.

And sexual assault cuts the line for a, potential of injuries to go bad fast, b, unpredictability at the minimum. You never know when 'gentle' rapist gonna turn into sadistic one. Or kill you in oops, didn't mean to push her so baad.

 

[Mee]

I'm not throwing shoes at homies that are on top of being homies, also damned helping / patient with my crazy. ;) I might, however, invite you for a dinner.

//

Marked space to respond to @Mee soonish. Imo ime if it affects your senses & ability to orient in anything, like loss of sight, it's hella more in emergency lane than all clear roads, wait with that stuff for next week.

And depending on where you are it's also get you out of there ASAP.

As in ambulance crew and people trashing you were morons.

And sexual assault cuts the line for a, potential of injuries to go bad fast, b, unpredictability at the minimum. You never know when 'gentle' rapist gonna turn into sadistic one. Or kill you in oops, didn't mean to push her so baad.

. FWIW. My sight is ok now. I was losing it. It turned out to be a nueralgical thing and for some reason it .... just started getting better by itself ? Weird. At the same time we also discovered I get painless migraines - They impact my eyesight too.


and ... yeah. The other stuff is a whole different subject but I reckon why some of us can over prepare- of some what others think is catastrophising- because it’s our experience. And we survived .

I guess it’s where a lot of anger comes from too? People think ... hey you guys survived your bad experience don’t be snowflakes. We are thinking .... I’m not a snowflake- you cannot know what I have survived ! It’s not surprising baselines for anything .... mental health or anything are different.
even .... what my dH will take a painkiller or put Elastoplast on is totally weird for me. Not wrong, or right- but appropriate for his experience.

 

[Freida]

The 24 hour thing comes in play with me when I think...if I still want to kill myself tomorrow then I can. So it's ok to stick it out one more day to see what happens. Usually by then I've packed it away ....because it's a back up plan. As long as I know it's there I don't need to use it. Assbackwards logic yes....but it seems to help

 

[Ellabella44]

Its like pre crisis you have to chain yourself to the living (others of course) to keep accountable. Though it feels at times like a guilt trip that you volunteered for.

I feel like a total sh*t when I've been having a time of entertaining the idea of SI all day and my daughter seems to pick up on my depression and say she needs me and they all need me.

Its a combo of guilt and "why can't you just let me go?" Why am I so bleeping important when I'm not to myself? But on a good day (you know the mythical sun is shining and unicorns are farting out rainbows) I will hate that for a minute or two I end up with that guilt and that question.

Yes the grumpy grudging 24 hours sounds like a good plan. @Sideways

 

[Freemartin]

Oh wow, @Sideways ! You just totally rocked my world.
It’s all too easy for me to kinda give myself credit for being such a tough guy that regular definitions of emergency don’t apply to me. Like, yah, if this was happening to some psychotypical, pampered normie, it would be 911 but since it’s me, the badass PTSD warrior who knows a thing or two about life, it’s a breeze.
Yeah.
Maybe, just maybe it’s not about being above other peeps (makes me cringe to admit that I had this condescending thought...) but thinking I’m below them. Secretly thinking I’m not worthy of my crisis being taken seriously.
Wow. Just wow.

I think one of the keys to all this is the negotiating and compromising you start doing in your head. Safe means safe. Not "safe by your standard of care for you". If you're starting to go down the path of "this wouldn't be safe for anyone else, but it's safe enough for me" - you're setting your recovery standards for yourself too low maybe.

This is what rocked my world, right there ^. The standards being too low. Not too high. Too low.

Practicing living like you matter, even though you don't necessarily believe it. Because you aren't going to believe it, until you start behaving like it's true.

Eh. Sounds uncomfortable as f*ck. And challenges some cognitive distortions the challenging of which, I assume, will hurt like hell. But, now that it’s typed out right there, is absolutely necessary if I want to heal.
Ouch.
And thank you!

 

[Tinyflame]

The others have said very good advice, and very practical suggestions.

I've thought about this before @Ronin , what does it mean to 'matter'? And it is hard to seem to matter in isolation, so different from those with many direct connections or people dependent on them; spouses, children, family. But then I wonder too, what does it matter 'to matter'? Is it something in our genes, that says we have to leave something of value behind, or does it prove or earn a worth to have existed? Or a necessary component to even face the day? Or, though I think it's a need to feel like we matter, maybe it's simply the wrong question? Because it matters sometimes to even a stranger to be the only kind word or smile amidst as*holes or enemies, or the only sane voice, or encouraging one, or even person who stays present when others leave. Or maybe to even be the person who kicks the chunk of snow out of the way without thinking, before the next person comes by, trips and breaks their neck. Or simply leg, and then can't drive, or work. It's like the 3.5 degrees of separation, which they used to call 6 degrees. I'm guessing people are probably all more interconnected, than we have the ability to understand. Maybe you're even just the one person who reads something, or about someone, and doesn't condemn them? If energy can't be destroyed, everything we put out has to go somewhere. And I find it hard to believe it's all created equal.

I do know- were you not you, and your own unique perspective through your eyes- I would't write this now, because I'd assume it's stupid and I wouldn't risk just being told off, or shamed for it. But I know 'you' are different from many- and entirely different than anyone who ever came before you or will after. And that matters- a lot. Enough in fact to hope you would take the steps to preserve what is priceless and unique and has never existed and never will again- you. :hug:

 

[Mee]

@Ronin I think you just actually hit the nail on the head of my whole PTSD mindset -

your never know when a ‘gentle ‘ x can escalate. That’s my approach to life. But plasters ? Meh, skin heals. ‘Call me if life gets too tough?’ Honey - life got too tough when I was two years old with real stuff, How can I call someone and weep that I cannot face the fact I cannot lift my iron skillet anymore, and it’s scary outside? Life has always been too tough. I just got the straw that broke the camels back eventually.

Re knowing someone is there and not needing it as @Freida mentions, It’s a useful thing. For me when stuff is super bad my T tells me I can text and she will get back to me when she can and I only actually did once. Knowing I had someone there was ... incredible though. I genuinely had a lifeline I could rely on.

Also I am rocked too by @Sideways. I have often felt that PTSD feels to me , like I am narcissistic. I can totally look back and see where as well as less than because of a trauma learnt reaction or trait I might feel more than. It’s an uncomfortable mirror but I think a rather necessary one.

@Ronin - this has been one of the most incredible learning threads I have read here ever. The contrary opinion within myself I have navigated is challenging.
I hope so much it’s given you some of what you were looking for.

 

[desiderata310]

It gets kind of interesting for me since the general ‘call the ER, do not pass go, do not collect $200’, thing is not something that lives in my world. We discovered early on that being restrained, having my moves restricted is a bad thing. Instead we have a bit of code, I guess you’d call it that I text

I’m not ok= I’m harming in some fashion and not really doing well with managing the emotional aspects of things. This is more of a yellow alert thing. It’s an FYI that shit is starting to go sideways and I’m not managing well
I’m sorry= is a step above that. It means that ideation has take over and I’m fighting hard or is could mean that I’ve made an attempt and I’m waiting to see if it works or not. This is usually the point where I really don’t give a f*ck but I feel a sense of obligation to tell my T

Making a phone call Jesus I call my therapist so rarely that if I do it, he answers. Things are out of hand, I know it (which is interesting because I’m usually very calm on those calls) and I need someone to talk me down or help me get in person help. There has been a time or two that he almost had me convinced to go to the ER. We have since decided that me doing a ‘shut down’ taking a safe amount of certain meds so that I will sleep for 18ish hours or more is a better idea.

The problem with all this for me is that there are times when I dgaf enough to call or text. we worked a bit on a safety plan but I struggle to come up with someone who lives close by to come and just check on me. Truth is I’m scared of what that person will do: call for me to have a MH assessment, etc. and since I don’t have any friends that I would I want to burden with trying to sort out my level of dysfunction or even expose to my crazy, I don’t reach out to real life people here. Small towns suck ass for that.

Not really sure any of that is useful to your scenario

The big take away is that for PTSD land ‘emergency’ has a much different ring because of tolerance levels. Good discussion to have when you are NOT in a potential crisis since perspective is screwed.

 

[Freemartin]

So, the (hopefully) final act of my ”is this an emergency” saga: saw my GP today. She seemed worried cause I had SI. She told me to go to A+E if the suicidal thoughts go on for a long time (I’m guessing she was talking about, like, 2 to 3 days) or they become really hard to resist. She said that in that case hospitalisation would be a good idea.

So... inside, I was like ”yeah, well, if I lived by those rules, I’d be hospitalised more or less monthly”. But I decided to take @Sideways ’s advice and go with what the doc said. Try to actually believe those rules apply to me too. Maybe I should be in a psych ward several times a year. That’s not going to happen, though. Too many bad experiences. But I’m intending to let the convo with the GP have a sobering effect on me. And let it raise the bar Sideways was talking about.

 

[Ellabella44]

Thank you for checking things out. Gives some perspective. And yeah hard to live by those rules when your norm is SI. Just because you have it. You won't necessarily carry it out every day and every time.

 

[Freemartin]

One more piece of intel:
Talked to my T about what constitutes an emergency. She said I had made all the right choices re calling the helpline and going for the GP appt.
And. She said that whenever I’m having strong self-destructive urges that I’m finding difficult to resist, it’s time to go straight to the ER / A+E. No GP, no phonecalls, just go there asap. I was like :rolleyes: and yeah, right, but she said she really meant it.

So, here’s to raising the bar.