I'm still in the university and right now I might have to drop another class due to depression, ptsd-related anxiety and nervous breakdowns. Earlier this semester I already dropped a class for the same reason, which made my advisor disappointed. Before this year everything was under control and I was a really good student, but because of the upcoming trigger (I have to face it soon) and various other difficulties in my life, it has been extremely hard for me to keep up the work this year. However, because I'm a super self-conscious person and also an introvert, I can hide really well when I'm in front of people, and nobody knows I'm having issues except for my therapist and psychiatrsit. When I show up in class in the morning, nobody knew I had cried from the end of class on the previous day until 4 in the morning and I was going through hell. How could I possibly finish my assignment and focus in class? I have been depressed for months and now I'm getting worse every day because the trigger is coming up and I feel like I'm going to die. Today I finally lost control and cried in one of my classes, but it was a big lecture and nobody noticed. I had no idea what the professor talked about and all I could think of was the upcoming trigger and how hopeless my life is and how I could neither continue nor end it.
I thought of dropping another class. It might help me get over this semester at least. But in order to do so I have to talk to the professor, who is also my advisor. She likes me because I was always a good student, but she has also been annoyed by all my late work and incomplete papers this semester. At the beginning of the semester I told her that I was sick. But that didn't work very well. So I finally told her about my depression. I said very little, and didn't tell her what caused it or what symptoms I had. Then I saw that she wasn't completely convinced, although she did say okay and asked me to turn in my work as soon as possible. She probably thought I was either making up an excuse or exaggerating my normal academic stress. I felt really hurt by her somewhat cold reaction, but I know it's because I didn't say much to make her understand.
Now, if I'm to drop the class, I would have to explain to her again. I'm afraid to see her disappointed and distrusting face again, but I also find it impossible to let her know the severity of my depression and anxiety. Last time when we spoke she asked me why I was depressed, but of course I didn't tell her about my PTSD. I knew the real story would make her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed and she wouldn't really want to hear about it. I'm not comfortable sharing such intensely personal things either. Even if I tell her everything, she wouldn't have understood because it's so out of normal experience. But when I don't tell her, she doesn't really trust me. Last time all I said was "I've been having a hard time," and "I'm really depressed", with a calm face, and it was not convincing at all. I just wish I could talk to her in the middle of a terrible breakdown just so she knows I'm not lying, but of course I can't do that.
I feel really stuck and don't know what to do. How can I explain to her? I have to give her a convincing reason for all this or she would look down on me forever. She's my advisor after all, and we work together in a lab, and I do like her in general. It's not like I can walk out of her class and never see her again...I also want her to understand that I'm having a hard time but I want to do well, although I don't want to trouble her with all the horrible details of my situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
I thought of dropping another class. It might help me get over this semester at least. But in order to do so I have to talk to the professor, who is also my advisor. She likes me because I was always a good student, but she has also been annoyed by all my late work and incomplete papers this semester. At the beginning of the semester I told her that I was sick. But that didn't work very well. So I finally told her about my depression. I said very little, and didn't tell her what caused it or what symptoms I had. Then I saw that she wasn't completely convinced, although she did say okay and asked me to turn in my work as soon as possible. She probably thought I was either making up an excuse or exaggerating my normal academic stress. I felt really hurt by her somewhat cold reaction, but I know it's because I didn't say much to make her understand.
Now, if I'm to drop the class, I would have to explain to her again. I'm afraid to see her disappointed and distrusting face again, but I also find it impossible to let her know the severity of my depression and anxiety. Last time when we spoke she asked me why I was depressed, but of course I didn't tell her about my PTSD. I knew the real story would make her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed and she wouldn't really want to hear about it. I'm not comfortable sharing such intensely personal things either. Even if I tell her everything, she wouldn't have understood because it's so out of normal experience. But when I don't tell her, she doesn't really trust me. Last time all I said was "I've been having a hard time," and "I'm really depressed", with a calm face, and it was not convincing at all. I just wish I could talk to her in the middle of a terrible breakdown just so she knows I'm not lying, but of course I can't do that.
I feel really stuck and don't know what to do. How can I explain to her? I have to give her a convincing reason for all this or she would look down on me forever. She's my advisor after all, and we work together in a lab, and I do like her in general. It's not like I can walk out of her class and never see her again...I also want her to understand that I'm having a hard time but I want to do well, although I don't want to trouble her with all the horrible details of my situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
