Childhood How do you get past denial?

[sprout]

I have two “memories” of sexual abuse as a child. Maybe about a year and a half (?) ago I started having these flashbacks of being assaulted when I was younger. I didn’t have any actual memory of this abuse. At first I couldn’t see anything else but a ceiling and feel him touching me. Slowly I started remembering other things like the room and who it was (my uncle). My mom confirmed the timeframe too so it’s very possible it really happened.
During emdr another memory came up of the same uncle exposing himself in this shed that I had forgotten existed.

The thing is I have these flashbacks that feel so so real and details in these “memories” that line up with things I’ve had confirmed by others or pictures but I can’t feel sure that they’re things that happened. Why didn’t I remember these things until now?? Why do I feel like these things are happening to someone else when thinking about them? Why is it so hard to say they’re actual memories? I can’t say “yes my uncle raped me” out loud because I just can’t be sure it’s real. Can I actually make up awful things like this??

I don’t know what I want with this thread but it would be nice to talk to others who understand. Did y’all ever doubt any of your memories that came up? How’d you decide if they were real or not? How did you learn to stop being in denial and believe in yourself?

 

[Skywatcher]

I have had a very similar experience of flashbacks that seem very real but no childhood memory. I remember everything around the event, except the actual assault. When I work on it in emdr it is very difficult. It gives off the same types of body reactions as other traumas that I do remember. I went as far as to email my childhood friend that I hadn’t talked to in 36 years to ask her if was a possibility that it happened when I slept over. She couldn’t answer me right away. She had been through therapy herself. After a week, she said “no.” I don’t know why, but I still feel it really happened. But I don’t think I will ever be 100 percent sure.

 

[mamachick]

I have had a similar experience and am puzzled how the mind works. I remember so much of my childhood and although never molested or raped, I had uncles who did things inappropriately and saw things of my drunken mother that no child should see. Of course I had other abuses. I have a really good memory about so many details. Then I had an abusive husband that stalked me when we divorced in my twenties and remember clearly. But there was an incident when I was about 17 with a cop that I had so repressed and only started having memories of a couple years ago. I think the memories were brought on by something that happened currently. As hard as I have tried, I still can't remember a part of it. I know he touched me but I don't know to what extent. It lies in the back of my mind. I do now realize why I had such a bad reaction in a more current situation but not realize that it could have been due to the flashbacks of being frozen. I don't think I will ever know because when I go there and think a lot about it, I seem to get worse.

 

[NightSky]

Was there anything going on in your life that may have triggered the flashbacks?
I wish I had some sage advice but all i can tell you is, I completely understand where you’re coming from and I know how difficult and confusing it is. Very similarly, I have “memories” (even down to the relation and the act being the same as yours) that came what felt like out of nowhere, except it wasn’t. I had just moved out of my childhood home when the first flashes started. And then again when I got married a few years later. Big life changes can supposedly do that. I have struggled with this now for 20 years and have never had a way to be sure, and will never risk digging in case I’m wrong. I, too, have had things line up as far as locations I didn’t know I remembered, car in a nightmare that turned out to be the car he had that i don’t remember, etc. it has been excruciating to not know. I’ve even been told by two (now three) therapists that these are real memories. But I will never know for sure I don’t think.
The most helpful thing for me has been the education my current T has given me on trauma and the brain. The body remembers. And my body certainly has a lot of memories it likes to play out even though the visuals aren’t all there. For three years now I’ve learned a ton about trauma from this T and have come to the conclusion that I have to move forward and trust those memories aren’t made up. No new memories have ever emerged even though I feel “safe” now to process them. People say they will come flooding back but that has never happened for me.
The best thing you can do for yourself, especially if you are symptomatic and it is causing you trouble (I can’t stand being touched by my husband of 17 years, for instance. And I’m triggered easily by all sorts of things) move forward as if you know they’re real and get the help and support you deserve. You may never know for sure. But you have one life, and it’s amazing how many years can be wasted NOT dealing with something head on because of denial or questions.

 

[lynn T.]

I have two “memories” of sexual abuse as a child. Maybe about a year and a half (?) ago I started having these flashbacks of being assaulted when I was younger. I didn’t have any actual memory of this abuse. At first I couldn’t see anything else but a ceiling and feel him touching me. Slowly I started remembering other things like the room and who it was (my uncle). My mom confirmed the timeframe too so it’s very possible it really happened.
During emdr another memory came up of the same uncle exposing himself in this shed that I had forgotten existed.

The thing is I have these flashbacks that feel so so real and details in these “memories” that line up with things I’ve had confirmed by others or pictures but I can’t feel sure that they’re things that happened. Why didn’t I remember these things until now?? Why do I feel like these things are happening to someone else when thinking about them? Why is it so hard to say they’re actual memories? I can’t say “yes my uncle raped me” out loud because I just can’t be sure it’s real. Can I actually make up awful things like this??

I don’t know what I want with this thread but it would be nice to talk to others who understand. Did y’all ever doubt any of your memories that came up? How’d you decide if they were real or not? How did you learn to stop being in denial and believe in yourself?

Maybe the trauma was so severe that you depersonalized it so that this horrible event could at least be put to rest. To me, rape and childhood molestation is just short of killing someone. It might be a protective defense that God gives us to question the event, to deny it or to say "Oh well, what does it matter? I deserved it". So maybe we are not supposed to recall all the events or else we'd go running down some street crazy and naked! Seriously, there are protective defenses given us under such awful times when we just separate from the memory in order to survive. I do recall at the age of 10 or so playing the piano at a classmate's house and her weirdo dad came in from work and stood behind me at the piano bench and 'felt' my chest up and down. For some reason, I already knew in my soul somewhere he was a weirdo but again, at age of 10, one is helpless. I'm glad I went home and told my mother. Hate to know what she must have told that man, ha. I never went back to the house and I continued to feel pity for my little friend and her 3 sisters for many years. Of course, what he did was mild compared to what others suffer as kids, but I feel this kind of violation on a helpless child will indeed produce denial, self-doubts, foggy memories, and worst of all - that trust in ourselves could be affected. If your uncle was a creepy guy and a host of other things then trust yourself and your impression and your mom's memory of all this.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Just some info on my ‘likes’ above-
I often hit like because of the strength of character that it takes to discover one’s voice, trust one’s own gut and find self-compassion within such scenarios. It is through such movement that some become inherently free and assisting perhaps another in their journey.

@sprout In answer to those doubtful feelings with raw emerging memories- yes, I had them for a lot of my journey. EMDR, several modalities, several treatment plans plus strong support groups allowed my healing to move forward in time.

Be patient and gentle to yourself, as not only the mind may remember but sometimes the body. It is a most challenging journey to integrate an newer, freer, & holistic you.

 

[sprout]

I think it’s important to come back to this thread and say that even though I doubt and minimize my experiences (literally went through an intense bout of but what if I’m making it up! nonsense ten minutes ago) I definitely was raped as a child and I need to believe myself and be there for myself the way the adults in my life never were. I just wanted anyone who related to this thread to be able to read this admission to show that growth and acceptance does happen even if it seems like you’re constantly moving backwards.

 

[sprout]

Was there anything going on in your life that may have triggered the flashbacks?
move forward as if you know they’re real and get the help and support you deserve. You may never know for sure. But you have one life, and it’s amazing how many years can be wasted NOT dealing with something head on because of denial or questions.

I had just made the first steps to get out of a toxic living situation with a relative and had some really good talks with my wife about being able to say no to sex (which I had never realized I could do despite her being so understanding) when I started having more vivid flashbacks and putting pieces together. Those last few sentences were really encouraging thank you.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I think it’s important to come back to this thread and say that even though I doubt and minimize my experiences (literally went through an intense bout of but what if I’m making it up! nonsense ten minutes ago) I definitely was raped as a child and I need to believe myself and be there for myself the way the adults in my life never were. I just wanted anyone who related to this thread to be able to read this admission to show that growth and acceptance does happen even if it seems like you’re constantly moving backwards.

Thank you for sharing this.

 

[moolala]

I'm so SO sorry this is so long but I hope it's helpful! I struggle with this big time so I have a lot of suggestions--for me what helped was NOT verifying facts with others. I feel that there's no reason their memory can be trusted more than mine, plus some have a motive to twist facts to avoid responsibility (of course this may not apply to your situation.) Group therapy didn't help me either. My current therapist wholeheartedly believing me has been helpful, because I know she has no motive other than to help me live my best life, she's a doctor trying to treat me, she's confidential/safe. At the beginning she asked me to tell the whole story as it was in my head even if it felt fake, and I would say "I feel like..." "Some part of me remembers this time..." "I have this image of this thing..." "I don't think is true, but" and these disclaimers allowed me talk about it freely, which I couldn't have done if I had been forced to say it was real or probably real before I was comfortable.

I completely agree with @NightSky! I found it very validating to educate myself on how the brain deals with trauma and the functions of repression/dissociation because it made me feel less 'crazy' and more in control. There are many books on the neuroscience of PTSD but since I’m no doctor I mostly read stuff on Psychcentral and Psychology Today.

When I doubt myself, I ask myself why would I make this up? Just to torture myself? Why else do I remember weird parts of the room so clearly? Why else am I creeped out by a certain piece of furniture? Have I or anyone else ever proven that I've "made up memories" about anything else? Even if I had, would that make all my memories untrue? Do I need to be 100% certain about something for it to have actually happened, or for it to be meaningful to me? If a memory's questionable, does that automatically mean it's a lie? How many adults remember exact details from all the regular, non-traumatic events in their childhood? Do I have good reasons not to trust my memories in general? Are there any reasons I don't want this to be true? Even if I am making it up, does that void the distress I’m feeling right this second? Cuz that's definitely real no matter what.

I was a sneaky little liar as a kid, and my abuser told me that since I lied so much no one would believe me about it and for most of my life I thought I was making it up (still do to some degree.) I realized it could be true when I found old medical records that mentioned some really unusual stuff. Once I'd opened that door, my PTSD symptoms and other problems made me realize I almost certainly wasn't making it up. I still struggle with it every day. But the deeper I get into it in therapy, the more I know it's real. That's painful, because then I have to deal with it.

TLDR: question your questioning, learn the neuroscience of PTSD, realize it's okay to doubt yourself, open up using some disclaimers, find a safe space/person, stop trying to find answers from ppl who weren't in the room with you/abused with you/your abuser (although maybe not them for obvious reasons), and remember even if somehow it isn't true, it's distressing you and you deserve to feel better!

 

[sprout]

I would say "I feel like..." "Some part of me remembers this time..." "I have this image of this thing..." "I don't think is true, but" and these disclaimers allowed me talk about it freely, which I couldn't have done if I had been forced to say it was real or probably real before I was comfortable.

This is exactly how I started talking about it too!! I'd be like "Not saying it happened but he did * blank blank blank things*" lol. For having "no memories" I sure know a lot of details LOL ?

Everything you said helped so so so sooo much and I truly appreciate you taking the time to type it all out. You validated some things I've been trying to keep in mind and gave me new things to think about (how had I never realized I'm putting way more trust in other people's biased memories than my own??). THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

 

[NightSky]

I had just made the first steps to get out of a toxic living situation with a relative and had some really good talks with my wife about being able to say no to sex (which I had never realized I could do despite her being so understanding) when I started having more vivid flashbacks and putting pieces together. Those last few sentences were really encouraging thank you.

Thanks for resurrecting this thread. It has been a good reminder for me as I still struggle with this and imagine part of me always will. My T and I have just started looking at where I may have started believing I made things up (because this is not in my personality. Quite the opposite- I minimize everything and hate attention.) she said the part of me that needs to believe the memories aren’t real is very convincing and has had an important job to do. And we can’t pull the rug out from underneath it suddenly. It has to be done slowly and carefully. Otherwise I start to feel self destructive for “lying.”
It’s a difficult struggle to be in- not even knowing if I can trust my own brain at all. I keep using statements like “I don’t know if this is true but I feel like..” and I pay attention to when I feel settled and calm. When I’m analyzing and going over in my mind how it can’t be true, I feel anxious and defensive and distracted. When I share my felt-sense of what happened, my system feels calmer, validated, and I struggle with less flashes and body craziness that can sometimes happen.