How Do You Get People To Stop Triggering You?

[sun seeker]

(Or is that impossible?)

I'm going through really intense trauma around one of my main triggers, so I don't want to get into what the subject was, but I was talking with a friend today about how hard I am working on this, and she responded with a comment along the lines of, "Well, but those things do happen, and you just have to live with it."

Yikes. I was polite, but made it obvious I was seriously triggered and told her she needed to stop right away. Instead, she repeated herself. I left the situation very quickly and proceeded to have a huge meltdown by myself.

I think without having PTSD or living with someone who has it, or putting serious work into understanding it (as with trauma therapists) what we go through is so far beyond normal experience that people just can't have a clue. It really gets to me how easily the word "trigger" is used these days. In popular lingo it can mean anything that invokes a reaction out of proportion to the present situation. If you didn't know... well, you wouldn't know.

How do you explain? Obviously, people aren't going to be perfect and will screw up and trigger us from time to time. But when you've already told someone repeatedly that something triggers you and they keep on talking about it or trying to talk you out of it, how do you get them to realize that they have to stop? To realize how serious this is? Short of screaming at them (not my style).

 

[Hope4Now]

I wish I had an answer for this. I think, mostly, we can't change people. We just have to sort out how to take care of ourselves.

I had an experience yesterday that is too complicated to explain. But I was in a situation where the person with whom I was interacting was very, very nice. I had made the mistake of telling her I had PTSD, and she went on to tell me she did too. And then described what happened and how she dealt with it. It was not PTSD. Anxiety yes. But not PTSD because it was about something she "had to do" in the future. Not something that happened to her. Very odd. Then she kept asking me questions about my PTSD. And making recommendations about what medications I should be on. The whole thing was, I suppose, vaguely triggering. She wouldn't stop talking, and I was not in a situation where I could remove myself easily. So, I just sort of shut her out. Answered in monosyllables, etc. This was not a person I had the energy to "educate." I will never see her again. So it is different from having a friend like this. I'm sorry for your experience.

 

[sun seeker]

Ouch. I hate being in situations where I can't easily get away. And when people won't stop talking about things that trigger you? I've had that escalate into panic.

I've thought of something like saying "I can't just make these reactions go away any more than a diabetic can just decide to stop needing insulin." But I know she doesn't have any idea how severe the reaction is. She's never seen me anywhere near my worst.

 

[Hope4Now]

How good of a friend is this? is the first question I might ask. Some people who respond to me in ways that make me feel invalidated are "friends" who I can take or leave...friends who if I see, I have to prepare myself to not talk about my stuff at all and just ask them questions about themselves. And if they talk about me, I have canned responses that answer their questions but allow me some boundaries (at least for the moment, at least until I am alone and their questions and comments come back to haunt me).

But, if it is a good friend from whom you are seeking real support...this is more difficult. Because our good friends need to get clued in, at least a little, as to the seriousness of our situation, and what they can do to help and support us. That is important. Good friends WANT to help us, but they don't know how, so we have to be very, very clear. Sometimes even to the point of saying, "I am having a terrible time right now. Can we just sit and have a cup of tea and talk about x? I just need to sit here with you and feel connected to you for a little while. That would really help me." Our friends cannot help us resolve our trauma. That is work we have to do with a therapist. But they can help us in other ways. The challenge is to figure out what we want from them in terms of helpfulness, and to let them know very clearly. It is hard.

 

[EveHarrington]

The best we can do is set boundaries. State the boundary, say what will happen if the boundary is violated, follow through.

We won't ever be taken seriously if we cannot follow through when setting boundaries.

 

[sun seeker]

A pretty good friend, a close neighbour, and we see each other pretty often. So it is something I need to resolve and not just walk away.

And if they talk about me, I have canned responses that answer their questions but allow me some boundaries

I do this with casual acquaintances, but this friend is more than that. We've shared a lot. It wouldn't feel honest to keep so much from her.

(at least for the moment, at least until I am alone and their questions and comments come back to haunt me)

Pretty exhausting, isn't it?

Our friends cannot help us resolve our trauma.

Yes, that is true. But hiding it doesn't feel right, either. It's too big a part of me. And she talks to me about her problems. It would feel one-sided if I suddenly stopped. I guess I need to clarify the difference between supportive listening and giving advice. I need lots of the former, but really don't want the latter except from people who really get it.

I think also, I need to make it clear what "triggered" means, so she knows when I use that word, I mean STOP.

 

[EveHarrington]

Very true-----"triggered" is a common word these days so most people don't understand what it means to a PTSD person. Anything even remotely upsetting is labeled as triggering so IMHO the word has lost much meaning.

 

[sun seeker]

Anything even remotely upsetting is labeled as triggering so IMHO the word has lost much meaning.

So, maybe what I need to do is describe what happens when I am triggered. If she had a general idea, she might be a bit more careful.

I'm also thinking about some basics on how the brain works, like telling her you can't reason with a person who doesn't have access to their frontal lobes.

 

[sun seeker]

Actually, she has seen me triggered, now I think about it. But not really seriously. She's seen me in a mode where I can still talk somewhat coherently. She hasn't seen me shaking and screaming like I'm being tortured.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm a bit concerned that she doesn't understand a simple request to not talk about a certain topic.

It feels like the triggering issue is almost secondary in that even if triggering was completely out of the picture, a good friend would understand that certain topics are off limits for whatever reason.

I'm not trying to discount the triggering aspect, rather say that if someone doesn't get the simple "no means no" concept then explaining the depths of PTSD might not do much to help.

And-----it shouldn't take triggering in order for people to back off and respect us. Respect is basic, PTSD or not.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm realizing how much magical thinking is involved in this issue for me. I tried to write a post in response to the one above, and then had to delete it.

Sigh. This is complicated.

But yes, respect is basic, and I need to make it clear that "stop" really does mean "stop."

 

[Hope4Now]

clarify the difference between supportive listening and giving advice.

Yes, this is really important. Like saying, "I really appreciate it when I can share with you what is happening to me. But it isn't helpful when you try to help me by giving advice. That just overwhelms me. So please don't try to solve my issues--that's my job. What you can do to help me is just listen sometimes and let me know you care."

I get very "triggered" by people offering me advice. For awhile I stopped going to my church even because everyone seemed to have an answer for my pain problems and it was really upsetting me, even though they are all nice and caring people who spoke with the best of intentions. For me, the best response is for someone to just say, "Oh I am so sorry for what you're going through. It must be so hard." That's what I like sometimes. Other times, I wish nobody noticed at all...

make it clear what "triggered" means, so she knows when I use that word, I mean STOP

Yes, maybe don't even use the word. Maybe have a conversation with her to let her know that certain things she says make you feel very sick. That you know she isn't trying to hurt you, but that with PTSD sometimes words make people very ill. So she needs to know if you ask her to stop talking about something, that it is making you sick, she really does need to stop, or you need to leave.

It's not an easy task. I find it particularly challenging because I have a lot of social interactions with a lot of different kinds of people, most who have no clue what I'm dealing with. And I have a very sophisticated social "part" that can handle talking about most anything so long as I am not involved in an argument or a heated debate. That I can't do. Biggest issue for me is that I never know when I am going to get "triggered" or by what. Often I don't even know I have been triggered until much later when bits of the conversation come back to me, or when I leave and suddenly I'm feeling different. And sometimes, I end up in some kind of meltdown and I have absolutely no idea what caused it.

But the key is, I suppose, to begin to identify the topics and words and tones-of-voice, and body-language, etc. that "trigger" you, and be very clear with your friends. And, in the meantime, work on the roots of those things in yourself. The more you can get to why you're triggered, and to the point of being able to recognize that the current circumstances are different, the better everything will be.