How Do You Get People To Stop Triggering You?

[Sideways]

Since this is a good friend that you want to stick around, there's the conversation that needs to happen at some point when you're feeling okay about what doesn't help...

But if I'm ever at the point where I know I'm on the verge of a real meltdown? I excuse myself and walk away. It doesn't actually matter to me if the person I'm with is someone who's close or a complete stranger, my response is the same, "Excuse me, I need to go".

Partly I do that because no matter how weird it might seem, they're gonna be a WHOLE lot more uncomfortable if I have a meltdown in front of them. For the people who know I've got ptsd, they know straight up that that's what it's about, so mostly it actually isn't that weird or rude in the moment anyway.

Other reason I do that is really basic: I'm looking after #1. If I'm in a situation that's about to make me lose it completely, pretty simple, I need to exit that situation. So that's what I do.

That's for situations where I'm seriously right on the cusp, one more wrong word and I'm in the foetal position howling my eyes out. That's not good for me, and it's not good for them, and it's not good for our relationship. Explain after what happened & that I'm okay? Sure, just like you would with any medical emergency, people want to know you're okay (and usually how to NOT cause that again).

Thing is though, people learn really quickly what topics I can't handle, but also that I can look after myself. You do this a couple of times in front of the same person, and explain afterwards why you left and that now you're okay, and they catch on pretty quick - both topics not to discuss, and that your ptsd is a big deal, but you know how to look after yourself.

Looking after yourself is ok. Having to walk away on a good friend so that you can look after yourself- that's actually perfectly okay if that's what you need to do. Is there eyebrows raised and questions after? Sure, because who wouldn't be concerned? But you only have to tell them what you're comfortable telling them. My experience, people who matter actually handle that pretty well.

 

[joeylittle]

@sun seeker - does this friend know you have PTSD? If they do, why don't you go ahead and give them some knowledge about it? If it feels like too much work to do directly, especially if you're symptomatic right now - give them a simple link to read, with a little note that says 'I was thinking about how you tried to help me the other day, and realized that you might not understand what is happening to me right now, medically. I think this would help.'

I'm not sure this is so much about boundaries as it is about education.

I'm also thinking about some basics on how the brain works, like telling her you can't reason with a person who doesn't have access to their frontal lobes.

Yep.

 

[sun seeker]

That's for situations where I'm seriously right on the cusp, one more wrong word and I'm in the foetal position howling my eyes out.

The thing is, with this subject there is NO leeway. No grey area at all. She triggered me, I said I had to go and I was on the floor screaming.

does this friend know you have PTSD?

Oh yes. And she knows this subject is my biggest trigger. What she seems not to know is what that means (though she really should by now). She has to know she must not ever do this to me again. It's super dangerous.

This just had to happen when another good friend left my life recently after I set a boundary. And my therapist is excellent, cares about me very much and is usually very attuned, but right now for some reason he doesn't seem to be understanding that I am in crisis. Or maybe he was just distracted when I tried to tell him. I am feeling very overwhelmed by my support system falling through right now. I'm up in the middle of the night terrified for the third night in a row. Sorry to complain, but I know you guys get what this is like.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

[deleted a bunch of depressing stuff that probably won't help right now]

 

[EveHarrington]

Now that you say more OP I'm pretty much convinced that no matter how much you spoon feed this friend info about PTSD, it's not going to make a difference.

It's not that she's ignorant about PTSD and its effects on you.

She simply doesn't want to give you basic decency and respect of abiding by your boundaries.

Knowledge of PTSD isn't going to suddenly make her respect your boundaries.

No means no and if you can't abide by that then there are consequences. "Why" is inconsequential IMHO.

Decent people will abide by boundaries without needing a reason. This woman is steam rolling all over yours.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Yeah, I agree with what Eve says here.

I had said more, but I realize that now is not the right time to go into details about my experience wrt to friends and such. Suffice to say, I think, that I've gone through 40-50 of them and ended up with a handful, out of which there are three I actually deeply trust.

And also that true friends

- will not ask you to educate them, but will educate themselves
- won't think that what they know is all there is to know
- will not victim-blame when you are hurting
- will be honest about when they hurt you
- are willing to actually apologize instead of trying to hold you responsible for acting "better" around them.

If they fail any of the above, in my experience it's going to fall apart.

 

[sun seeker]

Sigh. This is all pretty discouraging, isn't it? People who really get this stuff are few and far between.

And then people wonder why we isolate...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think it comes down to not getting caught off guard. Now that this has happened and it will most likely happen again try to come up with some non defensive responses and excuse yourself and leave. No means no and if this friend cannot see nor hear nor respect your boundary she is not too healthy in my opinion.

I tried to educate people and that was a fail. I tried to explain myself and that was a fail. Now it is on a need to know basis and I really do not share so much with others not familiar with the PTSD. I do not want to waste any more time banging my head against a brick wall. Been there, done that, have degrees in that.

I wish you well on whatever you choose to do. But someone who does not hear you nor respect your boundary is not going to get it.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Sigh. This is all pretty discouraging, isn't it? People who really get this stuff are few and far...

If it helps any, making true friends is way better than having friends who will not put in any energy to caring for you. And it's tough, cause it feels bad to need better care than other people, but we're all orchids and we're pretty hard to care for, but people who appreciate us will do the work.

 

[sun seeker]

Been there, done that, have degrees in that.

There are degrees in banging your head against the wall? Can I challenge the exam and skip the lessons? I think I'd be a star pupil.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[sun seeker]

it's tough, cause it feels bad to need better care than other people

Yes, it is. It can be hard not to feel badly about myself when people around me are saying or implying that I am the problem. If only they knew how hard it can be just to get through the day.

This friend actually does put energy into me. In other ways. It surprised me that she was so blunt about this topic because she knows it is my biggest issue. Now I think about it, she's already been given information about trauma. She should know better. I think I will start by telling her that I seriously need her never to do this to me again and that when I say stop, I really mean stop. And then, I know there is one less person I can call on when this issue is triggering me. She obviously doesn't get it. I'll share with her in other areas as long as she can stay away from this one.

Sigh. I'm feeling pretty isolated. It takes me a long time to make friends in the first place, and then stuff like this happens.