How do you handle bullies, teasers and meanies?

[Deleted member 541]

@SheilaKathy The first time you say NO, you might want to apologize right away, but don't... it gets easier after the first time. You could just say, STOP when they start and then walk away. You have to start somewhere!!!!!

 

[shimmerz]

You could just say, STOP when they start and then walk away.

SheilaKathy, I can relate so much to your thoughts on not being able to fight back. And that could be what @Friday is picking up on. And perhaps what is being read as 'proud of hurting the kid' is more about you being proud of yourself for being able to do something to protect yourself. Boy oh boy do I know that feeling.

Having come from the very place that you speak about (literally not being able to protect myself EVER) I wish it had been as easy as being able to say stop just one time and then another and so on. It was not.

I had to practice saying stop to a safe person, over and over and over again. Oh, and he literally had to tell me to say 'stop' because in my head it was firmly implanted that stop was not an option unless I wanted death or maiming bestowed upon me.

Maybe the way to rewire that is not with these (current) adult bullies, but instead a near and dear friend that could help you to get used to saying stop. Or maybe use the phrase 'that's enough' if the word stop seems too much. And if a near or dear friend is not available, perhaps you could use us. Or perhaps post about not being able to protect yourself or how people have been able to learn to say stop (which really is asserting oneself).

I have no doubt that you are not a violent person by nature. And it sounds like this kid you got a hold of was the least threatening of the bullies, which is a shame really, because most of the gang members that follow bullies rely on the bully to protect THEM. Catch them without the leader of the pack and they are just as vulnerable as the original victim. It just becomes a big huge ball of ugly for everyone involved except the bully.

So here we have it. Maybe you can complete the loop (of learning to say stop or enough) by quoting something of mine and in caps writing STOP to me. And then try it with someone else until you build up to saying it in person. And it is true, you didn't learn when you were a kid that you could assert your rights and boundaries, but now is as good a time as any TO learn. Use me if you feel it will help. I am tough, I can take it. It might just be the start of some pretty kick assed SheilaKathy empowerment.

And who doesn't want that?????

 

[Changing4Best]

SheilaKathy, I can relate so much to your thoughts on not being able to fight back. And that could be...

OK, so I cannot tell you to stop saying anything you said here, because it is all true, and I agree with it. Yes, it is a shame that the real bully, I believe, sent one of his minions to bully me that day in front of my house. I have come to this conclusion while participating in this thread, but never realized it before. Of course the real bully would never have had the guts to come onto my property, in front of my home, and bully me. He bullied the poor fellow who ended up doing it into doing it, I am pretty sure. They were probably all watching from a window in the house 2 doors down, where the ring-leader's best friend lived. And they probably talked the weakest of them into doing this to me, just for "fun." The same kind of "fun" they had perpetrated on me all year.

Getting up to today, my current ring-leader bully lives 2 doors down the hall from me. He gets others to bully me. He started it, of course, but he is now giving me the silent treatment, because he got in trouble for bullying me. So he insights others to do it for him. Same MO as the one from when I was in 6th grade. Interesting....

I thought of practicing saying "No." or "Stop it." in the mirror, but I am too embarrassed to do it. I can't even bring myself to TRY IT! I can THINK about doing it only. And even that is very difficult.

So I will say this: Stop thinking of me as a weakling. I can be strong at times. I did at least say to one teaser recently that I did not appreciate his trying to further stir up trouble between me and the ring-leader of today. I also told another teaser that I was not in the mood to be teased that day. (I should have said I was not in the mood to be teased ANY day, but it didn't occur to me at the time that there would be other days that I would get teased, I was living in the moment, as they say. And living in the moment is not really a bad thing. 12 Step Programs recommend it, after all!

So, at least I was able to tell you to stop something, even though you probably don't really think of me as a weakling anyway.

 

[shimmerz]

I can't even bring myself to TRY IT!

I hope you know that this was something that you were taught. It is not an inherent flaw within you. I have been through it (and in it and around it). It is sticky and messy but I hope you can see your way through it in such a way that it does not define you.

Much love
Much light
Shimmerz

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, I did finally TRY it. I said "No." to myself in the mirror. Then I felt as if I had been dissed or something. I said to myself that I would never say "No." to myself, but then I realized that there are times in life when we should say "No." to ourselves, like when we feel like doing or saying something that we know we shouldn't or that we know God would not want us to say. Anyway, it kind of hurt to say "No" to me, but then I said to myself I was not saying it to myself about anything at that moment that I was doing or saying. I tried to make myself understand that I was just practicing for when I need to say it to someone.

I did say it with good intention and with a loud enough voice so that it could be heard well. @shimmerz

 

[shimmerz]

Wow! SheilaKathy, that is HUGE. So good when these things can be challenged. Keep up the great work and never ever give up.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Just a thought that might help when you practice again (way to go for even trying, btw!!!)...since our cells are always listening, yours very well may have genuinely been feeling dissed (and experiencing not so pleasant memories of all the no's you've heard in the past) and wondering why they were being told no this time.

Maybe rephrase it to something like, "Yes! It's more than okay to say no. It's even okay to sometimes say hell to the no." See how that vibrates off your cells and tweak it until it feels comfortable to you. I'm always amazed at how potent language/word choices can be, be it spoken or just thought of.

Things like this are some of the most basic self-love stepping stones I used to never think of and had never seen modeled at any point in my upbringing. So grateful for the free and easily accessible techniques. I think that's why it feels so damn weird starting out. We're not taught to value free and easily accessible things, but we're eventually driven to have to desperately seek them out and heavily rely on them. High fives, again, for giving it a try!

 

[shimmerz]

OK, so I cannot tell you to stop saying anything you said here, because it is all true, and I agree with it.

Pretty sure you could find something of mine on the board that you could disagree with! Doesn't need to be a quote from here. So if you want to play with that, seriously do it. I'm all yours.

 

[Changing4Best]

Stop asking me to go somewhere else on the forum! :)

 

[shimmerz]

I love it!

 

[joeylittle]

@SheilaKathy - I think it would help to reflect on this:

And NOW, in my life, 50 years later, I have been experiencing something similar. And I am a very troubled soul right now. And I am sick physically and mentally over what happened then and what is happening NOW. And I feel HELPLESS. AND I HURT.

Now is not a repeat of then. Now is simply now. It's hard because what's happening now is pushing all sorts of buttons with associations and negative core beliefs.

But you are not helpless. And in many ways, the hurt you are feeling has nothing to do with the adults you are currently feeling affected by. You're feeling old hurt, thinking old thoughts.

It is ruining my life and I don't know what to DO about it.

Don't let it ruin your life.

I know that sounds easy. But really - why do you care? Why do these actions right now, made by people you have no interest in, affect you to the degree you are letting it ruin your life?

If you try and address this situation as if you are looking to make a different, alternate ending to the story of your childhood bullies...you will fail.

I think assertiveness would be step two. Step one is getting this in perspective. The past is not replaying itself, even though you think it is.

 

[Deanna]

It sounds like when you get worked up, it's more of a physical reaction for you, even to this day. I don't know, I'd say as an arm-chair poster on a PTSD board with PTSD, I think you're passive by nature or maybe your religion keeps you too passive. Maybe you don't like to be humble all the time... but this scenario is still, some kind of outlet for you to let off steam.. so what you have to do is change it. I was made fun of for 3 years. I hated where I lived. I hated the dorks in the school.

I grew-up in a severely, mentally handicapped, children's school from age 3-5 years old.. My grandmother was a teacher. so I went to school with her everyday and road the bus. ( small bus). I saw kids that had 1 chromosome more than I did and it changed their brain size, their life span, and they would have done anything to have a normal life. I saw kids that were pretty deformed in ways, some had severe retardation. I was also in all the school plays. My best friend in that school was 13 when she died. I experienced death early. That was before non-flammable nightgowns and she was laying to close to a fireplace. Then I went on to 1-6 grades in a normal school and something started changing in me.

In 7th grade my best friend was 73 years old.. I am too, your age as of now.

I learned too early, how there were children, would do anything to be able to have more chances and real joy in their life. Having a normal body and mind and all the sudden I was thrown in with all these pricks. It just didn't work. They were ignorant and took things for granted.

Do something physical, like walk and don't walk around in a church for a day. ( all-day) Celebrate your life.