How do you handle bullies, teasers and meanies?

[Changing4Best]

I'm talking about emotional abuse here, not physical. And I am referring to that which occurs during adulthood. Heck, when we were kids, you could punch and kick it out of them, but that would end up with you being charged with assault and battery these days, so somehow, it has to be dealt with differently. But HOW!?!

One of my current bullies is taking it out on someone else who they know I care about, by way of snide comments directed at him. The other is giving me the silent treatment, because I spoke out against being bullied, and we all got a lecture at the Social Club we attend about not teasing or picking on others, and he has not spoken to me since. I guess I prefer this to being teased, but not by much!

Previous to that lecture, both of them were giving me all kinds of teasing and nastiness. It was all supposedly meant in "jest" however, it cut deep and was very annoying and hurtful. It also, in one case, tended to seem to want to give me a bad reputation and make me look like a slut. (And I am in my mid-60s, not the time in one's life when these things would seem to be a common problem for me or any other woman my age, I would think)!

I don't know. Maybe teasing and bullying go on all throughout our lifetimes. I just never imagined I would be dealing with it at this stage in my life. It does not seem like the kind of thing that "mature" people do. Who knows, maybe as we grow into old age, we revert back to childish things. I have heard that before, I just didn't imagine it would take on this form.

So how do you deal with this kind of thing, at home, on the job, with "friends" or just in general? I am trying to ignore it at this point, but that is getting harder and harder to do as time goes on. Inside, I am slowly dying....

 

[scout86]

It sounds like you need to find a more interesting group of people to hang out with.

You can refuse to participate in the rude behavior, call people on rude behavior, but you can't actually change someone else's behavior. They have to find the motivation and do that themselves, if it's going to happen.

Another thing to consider is, people do what they do because it had some kind payoff for them, even it's a dysfunctional one. What's the payoff here? For them and for you too?

 

[hodge]

Shun them, for the sake of your own health and spirituality. I think they do this out of a need for attention. Don't reward them by giving them attention for awful behavior.

Surround yourself with people who are kind and caring. And I know you can do that because you are kind and caring.

 

[Enaila]

I agree with the above responses. You are a kind caring person...why hang around where there is so much drama and immaturity. Find some other group to belong to where the focus is on helping others like an outreach committee at a church or helping those who need it. As far as the workplace, I have a bully I ignore and have come to realize is intimidated by me as I have a stronger working relationship with my colleagues and the parents of my students. I can not do anything to "fix" her or "make" her treat me any different, but I can control my reactions to her bullying. I just remind myself she is insecure and needing some support in some aspect of her life, then say a prayer to grant me patience and the words to handle her nastiness.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

It varies on circumstance and environment, usually. The most common helpful tool I've found is to try to remember they're acting out because of something inside of them, not because of something inside of me, and I only have control over me and my response, not the other person's behavior.

However, it clearly touches that thing inside that's still not healed and still quite sore from years of repeated irritation. Working hard at easing those particular pains within myself in between the episodes, especially when they aren't flaring up, is incredibly valuable and can help more when faced with the next episode.

There are times when I'll kindly dish it right back to them, as many don't like the taste of what it is they're serving up to others and will back down once they get that actual taste. Heightening their awareness by mirroring can sometimes be the best teacher. Learning when it's a really bad idea to do that is just as important, though, as things can escalate quickly.

Other times, I simply have to dig deep and connect with the part of me that it hurts the most to figure out why it is I still allow someone external to hold that much power over my emotions. That's usually the times when having help is most beneficial. I'll often call upon a close friend, comfortable acquaintance, or my therapist to help me more clearly see the things I'm missing and help me connect the dots inside myself.

Other times, I absolutely must leave the situation, be it physically or in my own mind space if an actual escape isn't possible, to eliminate the chances of me spending way too much of my energy on someone elses dysfunction. It can easily swallow me up and swoop me away leaving me feeling like I must fix everything for everyone while protecting those I perceive as being vulnerable. I try to use that time to remember that no one acts out in those ways without having some serious shit of their own to deal with and I only have power to deal with my own, even on the best of days.

 

[Friday]

Not like friends.

Meaning that I don't have the same expectations of my enemies as I do my allies.

How it reads to me is that you want your enemies to behave as you would want your friends to behave. (Respecting your wishes, caring about your feelings, going to the effort of coming to mutually held understanding, being congenial, etc.). When they don't? It seems to upset you as much as if it were a friend behaving that way to you.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, this is happening on the way to work and while I am waiting for the bus to go to work. It used to happen at the place where I work before I got the job to some degree too, but I at least was able to put a stop to that by going to the Director about it. I used to be able to fight back too, but now that I work there, I have to watch everything I say and do. Also, someone else went to the Director about it on my behalf too, as I am not the only person there who is being bullied by these 2 obnoxious people.

Everything there was going not so badly for about 2-3 years, it was bearable. Then I got a JOB there and everything changed. My boss thinks they are jealous that I can no longer give them the attention I used to. He might be right. He said it has happened to others in my position, that when we were there just as members and friends of these people, everything was OK, but when we get the job, suddenly the dynamics of the situation change and this sort of thing happens a lot.

It is so hard though. I am trying to get used to working, after having been out of work for 15 years, and on top of trying to do a good job, I have to deal with this too! It is unnerving.

 

[Changing4Best]

Not like friends.

Meaning that I don't have the same expectations of my enemies as I do my allies.

How...

They used to be friends, that is the hard part. I used to kid around with one of them and the other I did a lot of favors for and catered to a lot. I was very fond of her, even though she teased me occasionally. The day I got my job there, everything changed. Suddenly to the one, I became an "untouchable" (eeeuuuugh! Management!!) and the other one I cannot run errands for anymore, and she resents that supremely. She thinks I should be able to do my job AND take care of her needs. However, I cannot be in two places at once, doing things for 2 people, when I am being paid to help and care for only one. That one takes everything I've got in the way of attention and ability. Also, my job demands that I give him 100% of my attention, not split it with others who I am not being paid to care for.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I would reply to this person, "I understand that being a bully makes you feel big and important, but it really is so unbecoming of you." Then I'd just ignore this person, till they became a bit more nice!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

Wow! Wise words, @She Cat . Now if I could just muster the courage to say them.

 

[Teasel]

It hurts when friend's can't be pleased for you when things change for you for the better. On the other hand now you know what shitty friends they turned out to be and don't have to waste any more time on them.

Here's to new and better friends for you @SheilaKathy :-)

 

[Changing4Best]

Thankfully, I have many other friends there and I like the man I take care of there too. Also, the other folks that work there are basically nice, although one of them is a joker and likes to play into the above mentioned mess at times. I told him I did not like the fact he was doing that, and he has not done it since. So I did at least handle one teaser enough to shut him up. Now if the other 2 would just do the same, all would be well!

But that would probably be asking too much. Some folks, I think, it is just their nature to be teasers or bullies. Both these people have been that way since the day I met them or soon thereafter.