Relationship How Do You Handle It When Sufferer Becomes Really Controlling?

[IvyMillie]

This has been touched on in a few posts, but I wonder if anyone has some suggestions on how they cope with it.

My husband has different moods and one of his moods includes him being extremely controlling. He will try to boss me around. He tries to control everything. He is especially that way with money when he gets like that.

I sort of just have to ride out the storm. It's hard though, I have to keep my mouth shut alot. It causes me alot of anxiety, makes me feel powerless and scared.

I have to remind myself that he can't control the inner me. I try to stay away from him when he is in his darker moods. I definetely can't control what he does. I used to try and say something. Now, I run for the hills and wait for his mood to change again.

I have noticed that when his job is going badly he tends to take it out on me. Sometimes I think I'm just like that dog that people kick when they get home. He can't control his job, so he has to control me.

However, I'm not sure if your sufferers are controlling all the time, or just more so sometimes? I am fortunate because it comes and goes for me. As I said like a bad storm.

 

[Srain]

I check this area in the Supporter's Relationship so that I get a reality check on myself. My husband tends to be quite easy going so I can easily forget how he puts it altogether. This is great question. I am by instinct and survival, - controlling. I have to watch myself ... a lot, especially where he is concerned do to his mild nature because I don't want to run the risk of disrespecting him as a person in our home and in our relationship. I was raised with blurry boundaries, therefore no respect for me as a person, I, in turn had things very screwed up in personal relationships as far as boundaries are concerned.

I do believe that setting boundaries are very important in relationship and how we treat one another. He allows me space when I need it to 'bleed off' my moods. I find it's better to have the room than to unintentionally take something out on him. I also work with my tdoc and talk to my other support members. Sometimes he is just too close to me and it's best I don't use him as my sounding board. I fear I'm overloading. I'm convinced in my mind I am and at that point nobody can tell me otherwise and it scares me so I want to shut down from him if I'm in a fitful mood. The harder he tries the more upset I will become and which makes the situation more exhausting and last longer. He is not the type to push it so we've found everything can blow over in a matter of minutes or as long as a day or two but once it has I usually explain what I just went through and there are no additional pains to work through.

I hope this helps,
peace,
Rain

 

[IvyMillie]

Rain there were some good thoughts, and it sounds like you are very aware of your relationship and what makes it work. I think it's good too what you said about his tyring too hard and that that doesn't work.

I'm not sure, but it seems like the PTSD will sort of make him need to feel like his environment is controlled. It's hard on me and in some ways I sort of ignore his really controlling words that I need to do this or that. I've found that sometimes he isn't totally serious on his demands so I have to NOT overreact and go bananas myself.

It's very commendable that you are really aware of your relationship and boundaries. I'm sort of doing it solo as my husband isn't really up for talking about these issues in any specific way. So I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Srain]

IvyMillie, I have no doubt how difficult it must be, I hope I didn't give the impression we have it all figured out because sometimes it can be quite difficult for us both. We are learning as we go. In my own lost thoughts it's easy to forget how painful it can be for those him :(.

I wish I had more answers but I sure can keep you in my thoughts.

peace,
Rain

 

[ISupportHer]

I know it's hard but I try to look at the reasoning behind it. I have read that, particularly with those who experienced abuse, that it is not uncommon for them to be very controlling. The book I read explained that since they had NO control over what happened to them, they can overcompensate by exersizing control over every aspect of their lives, as a sell protecting mechanism.

Should we blindly accept? Not saying that. But understanding some of the cause may help as you negotiate change in the relationship.

ISH

 

[LoyalOne]

My sufferer is obsessive about cleaning (himself, his rooms, his clothes), obsessive about his weight, obsessive about who his girlfriends talk to, and obsessive about my safety. It's like he has every mark of a person trying to get control of everything he can. He occasionally gets a little tense about stuff that I do, but I am married to someone else, so my Sgt can be persuaded to back off me when I gently remind him that I am not 'his.'

 

[IvyMillie]

Thank you for all your thoughts, it was very helpful. For me understanding is the key to my being able to be sympathetic. I like what you said ISupportHer as far as they feel out of control when they got the PTSD so now they have a need to control what they can.

My husband only gets that way when he gets really stressed out, so at least it isn't all the time. Oh and LoyalOne my husband also gets at times really controlling about my safety too. It's so extreme that sometimes it does make me smile on the inside, but that's not all the time either.

Rain thanks for your encouragement also. For me I've lived with this for 20 years so I at least am used to it. However, we all have moments when it makes us stressed out. I think for all of us it helps to know that other people understand what we are going through. So thanks.

 

[LoyalOne]

I do sort of love it when he gets protective of me from 800 miles away. It's kind of charming. But then there was a shooting very close to my house last year; unfortunately, I had just left the bar by myself, and was walking to my house only a hundred feet away, and gunfire broke out in the street. When he heard, Sgt was furious; furious with me for being alone on the street, furious with my husband for 'letting' me walk home by myself, furious with the police for not doing a better job, etc. etc.

It took him a little while to stop demanding that I never leave the house by myself, and to stop asking me to change my commute so I wasn't walking alone. I was pretty bummed out that something had happened to confirm his fears about my safety. He has relaxed somewhat, but now wants to buy me a gun.

 

[IvyMillie]

My husband and I watched a documentary about the Vietnam War yesterday. One of the men interviewed mentioned how when they were there in battle they were totally out of control. That sort of clicked with me, about how that could make a person be controlling, because of their having felt out of control.

Not only were they out of control from the enemy side, but also the commanders would often give orders that they knew weren't very good. So it was also their morale from the superiors. They didn't trust them. Another area of their being out of control.

LoyalOne the sad thing is that we live in a world that is at times very dangerous. In some cases there is no way to protect ourselves 100%. Having a gun will not really ensure a persons safety. I'm sure he was freaked out by the incident.

 

[LoyalOne]

He was a mess. Yeah, I don't want a gun.

This past Saturday I got another freaked out phone call about the hurricane. He wanted to drive cross country over to our house because he did not think we were taking the storm seriously enough, and wanted to prep our apartment for disaster.