General How Do You Handle It When.......

[wife of]

Ok folks so how are you supposed to react when friends of your self or you sufferer of PTSD,thank you for sticking with it or tell you that "you're brave,I couldn't do it" or even worse ask you how much more you are prepared to put up with???
Have recently cut contact with a few friends who are just unable to get the whole damn thing,I'm not brave and I'm not doing it for anyones gratitude,not even the hubby's.I'm also not doing it out of any sense of duty.....
I could no more quit on my wonderful man than I could cut off my own leg....

Thinking of just telling people that thier attitudes say more about them than they do about me.....

 

[Jan-pattern]

I reckon I'd go with just looking at them blankly and saying "what?" and forcing them into a frank statement of what they are implying...

I think you're strong, I think you're incredible, I admire you, but it hadn't occurred to me that you could be "brave" or "dutiful" or anything like that... horrible concepts.

If he'd been in a hideous car-wreck some years ago, and had come through various operations, but was still wheelchair-bound, needed catheter, needed feeding, but had come a long way, and in his good times was still very much the man you married, and the long-term prospects looked good for a fair recovery, would any of them THEN be implying you could bugger off without being blamed?

Just because some injuries are visible, it doesn't make them more valid...

I think you're too polite, Sue :)

I'm biting my tongue just now - off-topic, but mine's just been given an ultimatum by his family that he stop seeing me (no kids will result from a relationship I'm in) because he's the only male in his generation so if he doesn't have kids the family will die out... so they expect him to stop seeing a woman he cares about...?! Jings, it's only been a few weeks, we've no idea how long it will last but we're damn well not splitting on anyone else's say-so! Which century is this?!

 

[wife of]

OMG, wow your poor tongue....hope he tells them to butt the f**k out! Tread gently there pet,sounds like a right domineering mother may be involved.
As for my own hassles might just start asking ,"Would you say that if he had cancer?"

Tell me to can it if i'm being too curious but I was just wondering what age bracket you and your other half are in?

 

[Jan-pattern]

Oh, two different age brackets! :)
He's mid-20s and I'm over a decade older... but people who know us reckon he's old for his years, I'm young for mine, so we meet somewhere around early-30s...
I'm jut going for saying nada about his family, just making sure he's okay. I'm seriously impressed he told me, as til this evening it was a week of radio-silence due to remote location, so he's trekked some way to be able to text me. Glad he feels able to tell me when he's angry and upset. Think that's good.
Believe there may be some fence-posts way out there that are now very deceased...!

I reckon your idea of "would you say that if he had cancer?" is excellent. Your husband has combat-ptsd - it is an illness. He is getting medical treatment at present, and it's tough for you both, but it's important so he gets the best chance in the long term.
A friend married and weeks later got a diagnosis of cancer and nobody's been asking her husband why he hasn't left!

Jan

 

[wife of]

Age gaps mean feck all in life,would hope that by the time my son is mid twenties I would have the wisdom to just be happy that he is happy.....

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

..when friends of your self or you sufferer of PTSD,thank you for sticking with it or tell you that "you're brave,I couldn't do it" or even worse ask you how much more you are prepared to put up with???

I could no more quit on my wonderful man than I could cut off my own leg....

Thinking of just telling people that thier attitudes say more about them than they do about me.....

Some people obviously underestimate you, true friends are not going to talk to you in that way.

Our husbands/wives/partners are wonderful to us and it's hard for some people including family to understand that.

I don't want people patronising me or feeling sorry for me. I think that attitude comes from very selfish people.
Yeah we need to find the strength sometimes to carry on and mostly that's about taking care of ourselves, having time to do things for ourselves to recharge the batteries.

It helps when the sun shines as it is today, I'm going outside to potter in the garden to recharge my batteries! Link Removed

Stella x

 

[wife of]

with you on the sun bit,could just get on a flight to spain right now..

 

[NikkiNikki]

Most people just dont understand..

Everyone tells me I am better off without my ex because I wouldnt want to live with this my whole life and deal with this forever. I would have been willing to deal with this because I felt his positives far outweighed his negatives..

 

[MurphyJB]

I've lost most of my "friends" since I started dating D. I might have cared more, but obviously they weren't real enough friends to try to understand.
I got sick of constantly defending him for things that are clearly (to me) not his fault.

The friends I do have left like to bring up his PTSD on a pretty regular basis. And it's not line they're ever saying anything good. I still haven't figured out a way to handle this...

 

[wife of]

making it my mission to educate everyone I know as to how this horrific condition affects us,must folks thinks its the same as being a bit stressed,enlightenment is the key I think....

 

[NikkiNikki]

After I educated myself about ptsd I had to educate my friends and family. Still after that very few people are very understanding of the situation & like I said they all seem to think I am better off not having to deal with this in my life anymore. I disagree. I'm an asshole magnet, every guy I have ever dated (other than most recent ex with ptsd) treated me or tried to treat me like crap and they didn't have an excuse like ptsd. LOL.

 

[Nicolette]

The missing link is that, take away all the smoke screens, people are only interested in learning about what affects them. Would I have learned about PTSD having not met Anthony - No. If a friend's husband had it and I was ignorant to PTSD would I go learn about it - probably not. Ignorance is bliss..... if we don't know about it we don't have to deal with it - therefore, some people eliminate the opportunity to allow someone to lean on them due to not knowing and not wanting to - friendships come and go while others last a lifetime. Everyone has their reasons and some are legitimate - like they have enough of their own issues to deal with that they have room for no more.

Knowing what I know now I do know that I would not have coped with a friend whose partner had uncontrolled PTSD. I met Anthony at the management phase and there have been 3 or 4 times in 4 years where I have been frightened. Frightened of the outcome and the triggers it aroused from my own past abuse but I have never feared for my safety. Could I deal with unmanaged PTSD as I have read about for 4 years now - probably not but I might surprise myself.

The biggest factor for me is that I am in a relationship to be with someone and if it involved either being shut out, pushed away or being the brunt of the illness I think it would damage me further and I can't take any more abuse in my life.

I see myself blessed when I read some stories of PTSD relationships but I think Anthony and I met at the right time where he wanted better for himself and me for me so together we head in the same direction.

Just my thoughts.