How do you handle people who mean well but have no clue?

[HealingInProcess]

I am coming to the conclusion that radical acceptance is necessary for me (as much as I don't want to do it). I also must mourn my reality and give up the fantasy.

 

[blackemerald1]

My therapist told me that you can't change that person you can only change how you deal with them.

^Yes and my psydoc tells me to lower my expectations so I do not become so disappointed. :(

They don’t understand my condition, and can be incredibly hard to tolerate, especially if they start trying to hand me advice.

^Totally agree with this.. does your sister actually know what ptsd really is? Or just the media version.

I am coming to the conclusion that radical acceptance is necessary for me (as much as I don't want to do it). I also must mourn my reality and give up the fantasy.

^For me too. My brother caught me crying one day after something happened that he knew nothing about. He gave me the 'tough talk' similar to your sister Eve. I was devastated and thereafter gave up on the idea that any of my family could ever understand. It seems safer that way. But I will confess I am still disappointed.

 

[EveHarrington]

does your sister actually know what ptsd really is?

I’m not sure...?

I know she doesn’t know what I deal with personally.

It really hurts that she criticizes my way of dealing with the world. Before......everyone ran away. Now that I deal with things in private, at least I have some people in my life. It makes me SO MAD that she criticizes this!

She has yet to have anything bad happen to her. I hate it when people like this sit and judge from the outside. I don’t need to be fixed. I need to be accepted. And she can’t do this.

My brother caught me crying one day after something happened that he knew nothing about. He gave me the 'tough talk' similar to your sister Eve. I was devastated and thereafter gave up on the idea that any of my family could ever understand. It seems safer that way. But I will confess I am still disappointed

Why do people think we need a “tough” response?

Is it because they think we are weak?

 

[blackemerald1]

Is it because they think we are weak?

I suspect they do indeed think we are weak. But they are so wrong!

I also am convinced that they are concerned about themselves, their fears, their jolly little lives and they don't want to catch whatever we have acquired. But idk why I believe that.

Sometimes I think myself into mind reading where I imagine they are thinking how well they have ordered their life, how in control they are and how well they handle things they think are hard. And they think they are supremely superior in all things.

But all of that is just not true either. They struggle just like me! lol

 

[HealingInProcess]

If people haven't gone through our experiences, they just don't know. And I mean that in a profound, that is, deep, way. They really don't understand because the affects of PTSD can really cut across a variety of areas of one's life: physical (insomnia, dissociation, phantom pains, headaches, etc.), psychological (abandonment, trust, betrayal, attachment issues, etc.), emotional (ups and downs in emotions, difficulty feeling emotions, too much feeling of emotions) and even spiritual (where was God in all this?). Not that we should let this get us down but it's a very serious condition that requires a lot of work just to manage let alone improve. It's outside of their frame of reference so they are blind to it in a sense.

 

[grit]

sibling issues are not about today's issues and I am sorry you have a family member like this. I have so many siblings and thank goodness I could pick and choose which ones to keep and I know this is not easy for all.

Maybe it will help you realize you will never ever please her and stop seeking that deep approval from her. And stop sharing your issues since she is not adding anything useful to it. Also notice that you acting this way from the same family and she is acting that "attacking way" from the same family. You are both reacting to the same thing but now that "same thing" is no longer there.

so she is reacting to you as your nemesis and so are you.

 

[blackemerald1]

I have so many siblings and thank goodness I could pick and choose which ones to keep

:hilarious: Hey @grit - was visualising you picking up a sibling and screwing up your nose and dropping it back on the shelf lol... :oops: :sorry:

 

[Sideways]

She has yet to have anything bad happen to her. I hate it when people like this sit and judge from the outside.

Can you see the issue with these statements?

For me, I always take it as a given that if I can’t empathise with a person, I can hardly expect them to empathise with me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you see the issue with these statements?

For me, I always take it as a given that if I can’t empathise with a person, I can hardly expect them to empathise with me.

Empathizing is different than judging.

She judges me and tells me what I should be doing in therapy.

Not once has she ever asked me anything about my disorder or treatment.

She just pushes her opinion.

I can’t push back because the stakes are too great, so I go to therapy where I can be told the best way to handle her.

She shares......nothing......with me, nothing at all. So yes, I find it a bit hypocritical that I’m supposed to share with her the most personal things about me. I know nothing about her that anyone who has known her for 5 minutes knows. Marital status, job, kids.....I really don’t know anything else. Now I’m a tad pissed for being lectured to open up when she has never opened up to me about anything.

 

[blackemerald1]

I can’t empathise with a person, I can hardly expect them to empathise with me.

However people that I cannot empathise with empathise with me.
My doctors and my T for example... and offspring... I mean I know they do empathise, I don't ask them to but they still do. They say they do even when I cannot give anything back to the relationship and even when they tell me they have had no experience to compare with mine.

I

 

[blackemerald1]

so I go to therapy where I can be told the best way to handle her.

So your relationship with this sibling is constantly stressing you bc you need something she can give, you fear her withholding that something (in this case your time with your nephew).

So you spend considerable energy in therapy learning how to negotiate and deal with her lack of empathy, judgment and critical analysis of your mental and emotional state - though she doesn't have a clue. Instead of or in addition to learning how to actually get on top of your mental health and trauma... but she doesn't see any of this of course...

I get what you mean Eve.. :hug: I haven't found a good way of dealing with it either.

 

[Sideways]

I can’t push back because the stakes are too great,

Not what I was getting at. In fact, I’d agree with you that ‘pushing back’ would probably be unhelpful.

But if one of the goals is to improve the way you and your sister relate to each other, you’ve set out all the things she does which are a problem for you. That’s helpful because it gives you an idea about where you need to put your boundaries, what to share with her, the limits of what you can probably expect in terms of meaningful support from her (not much by the sound of it).

But there’s another person’s behaviours to consider in this relationship, other than your sister’s. There’s you.”, and what you bring to the relationship, and what you offer. That’s the stuff that you can control.

If she’s made it to motherhood, she probably wouldn’t agree with you that nothing bad has ever happened to her. And probably she has a whole lot of things associated with being a first time mum that she deals with every day. It’s not comparable to your life with ptsd (apples and oranges), but it’s a type of daily stress and worry that you haven’t experienced, and potentially have limited understanding of.

But your attitude to her (she hasn’t experienced trauma) seems to have a similarity to her attitude to you (tough love, suck it up and cope, etc etc).

While you may not express these opinions out loud, we communicate with a lot of ways. We often tell people a lot more than we realise.

It seems to me that while it’s frustrating for you that she doesn’t understand your situation and sits back and ‘judges’ you, she might consider that your perception (nothing bad has ever happened to her) of her is equally judgmental and frustrating.

It could well be that she’s on a ‘New Mum’s Forum’ right now chatting about siblings that make judgments about how happy and easy it is to be a mum...(hypothetical).

I’m not meaning to sound critical. Because I totally get how hard it is to have sisters that don’t get it and say all the wrong things. Just, sometimes having insight into things like “maybe I’m judging her similarly to how she’s judging me” can change the way we approach relationships, and sometimes just acknowledging these things can impact the way we relate to someone, even subconsciously.

ETA: genuinely not picking a fight, just offering one perspective. My oldest sister had a pretty smooth ride to a husband, 2 kids, a dog, complete eoth white picket fence. We don’t talk about my issues, because when we do, everything that comes out of her mouth is unhelpful at best, and usually pretty hurtful.

But equal to that? I have no idea about how tough it is for her being a mum, even if it does look like a Hallmark card from the outside. I don’t appreciate her judging me the way she seems to, but I’m pretty sure that feeling is mutual, so i do my best not to judge her back.