General How Do You Handle The Overreactions?

[DLadi]

I am at my whits end. When my bf is engulfed in a ptsd episode he tends to treat every little thing as a crisis. I usually just step back for awhile but that doesn't solve anything in the end. He still has the memory (but not always) that it was a big deal so I hesitate to talk to him about it as I'm afraid to trigger an episode.
Ex: His 8yr old son didn't finish his homework so they were late for football practice. He talks about it for a week! Heaven forbid that I talk to him about how his child might feel... then I'm coming between him and his children. I know I can't fix him but how do I ignore these little tantrums?

When he's not having major malfunctions from the ptsd- he's so forgiving of his children... patient... loving. But man! He can turn so cold sometimes.

 

[TLight]

DLadi;
I'm a sufferer. Is he in treatment?

The book is a loving thing to do, perhaps you can approach him with that statement, that you love him dearly, see him for the man he truly is, and want to help him with his suffering.

But it seems to me, if he isn't in treatment, he is going to be defensive.

It is so good for me to read the posts of carers, to see my overreactions of the past and it really puts things in persepective for me.

Thank you for being here, and for trying to understand and love a sufferer.

 

[DLadi]

TLight,

You answered so quickly... I was in the middle of editing out the book part and put it in another thread... so if anyone is confused..

He's in treatment through the VA but the local clinic doesn't have enough therapists and recently let his T go due to budget cuts. Now he says that he doesn't trust the new T and only sees her once a month anyway. I wonder if it's because she's a she...

That is a great answer. I will see him tomorrow and hope he is open to talking with me. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday and he had shut down on me- "just want to be friends".

I'm off to the bookstore.

 

[2quilt]

I overreact too, and I talk about people who pi$$ me off on a regular basis. I have alot of confrontations with people. I wish I had the answer for you on how to deal with him and get him to see that it's not productive to blow up, and it's really not good for his boy to hear him repeating the same allegations over and over. That has to affect his son's self esteem in a negative way. I can tell you that I am reactive like your BF, but I don't know how to stop myself because I react so quickly and I have not learned yet how to avoid that.
My DH just says nothing when I blow up. He makes no face at me, he says nothing. He does not ignore me, which would make me even angrier, but he just makes a little noise every once in a while like "uh huh, mmmm." Poor fella is unsure what to say to me. I must be a joy to live with.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It can be difficult to deal with us, I must say. But in the end we are responsible for our behavior. I would try and pick a time when he is calm and explain to him how it must feel for his child to hear this for a week. Also I would try and explain that the longer he holds on to the issue, the longer he is not actually focusing on the issue, but the aftermath.

He may want to find a way to help his son finish his homework on time, therefore they won't be late for practice....Then there won't be any stress afterward.....

 

[DLadi]

2Quilt... everytime I see your name I hear my sewing room calling me... too bad I haven't been able to find peace in there as I can't seem to concentrate.
Anyway, I've often wondered if it would be better or worse if we lived together. Since he hasn't found the tools to help himself, I'm afraid it would be worse.

She Cat... You hit the nail on the head... responsible for your own actions... he blames everything and everyone else. He hasn't realized that the moods and temper are from the ptsd and so he doesn't try to control them sometimes.

Wish me luck... the boys have football games tomorrow... I think I'm afraid to go at this point as he is worse than I've ever seen him. I may be trying to help him so he can move on to someone else... painful but it needs to be done.

 

[luisa]

It can be really hard dealing with their outburst and its hard to just walk away my partner and I just took all the kids on a great holiday to Queensland for 5 nights so you can imagine how tired my partner was when we got back, its as if I was waiting for something to happen for him to explode and last night we were out driving when some guy in a car wouldnt let my partner in and the outburst happened. Yes he got out of the car, It is all a blurr now i just remember screaming at him and crying telling him to get back in the car, which he finally did. But the rage and anger in his eyes was really scary. Later when he had calmed down i tried to explain to him how upsetting it was for me to see him like that, which he does acknowledge.

 

[Nicolette]

Luisa

I don't know whether it will help you but I know how to handle such situations now so that we generally avoid them altogether. As you know good stress can be just as bad as bad stress let alone the stress of travelling and being away from all which is familiar. Generally, if we have been on a trip somewhere I tend to avoid doing anything involving going out for the following few days. I also have learned to read Anthony so if he is stressed I tend to automatically take the drivers seat so as not to put that pressure on him. If the cup is full you don't add any more to it if avoidable. While you shouldn't change your life or that of the children, there are small compromises you can make to help your partner. Like you said, you could see your partner was tired before you even went out. Sometimes when PTSD takes its hold you can even suggest that your partner stays home and you go without him on that occasion - a short term sacrifice for a longer lasting benefit.

 

[luisa]

Thanks Nicolette it is very good advice, one which i have given to others. And i did see the signs i have been going over it all weekend and again i have played the I should of or what if game. Anyway its done with now we have to move forward or otherwise we will go nuts. It looks as if my man is going back in to the ward again. Looking at changing his meds.

 

[Deleted member 1606]

Before the next time he has a bad reaction, ask him how he would like you to respond. Make him take responsibility for this. If you do respond as he wishes and it doesn't help, tell him that after the episode is over and ask him why it didn't work and what should happen next time.

You will definitely want to talk to him about what caused it. It will build trust. Again, make him take responsibility for this. Say, "Because I care, I would like you to talk to me about what happened whenever you feel like you can."

If he doesn't talk and bad things continue to happen, tell him that talking may help, and that whenever he's ready, you'd like to listen.

When he does talk, just listen. If you're unclear on something, you can ask. But if you jump in with advice, it will only piss him off.

Once he's done talking about it, ask him what further steps you can both take to help him heal. If he's not seeing a therapist, remind him it's a great idea. He can vent anything he's feeling in therapy without worrying that he's damaging a relationship.