Relationship How Do You Handle Those That Think You Should Do More?

[3kidsinpa]

I am slowly starting to come to the realization that I can no longer take on my husband's problems or take on helping someone who will not help themselves. I don't know how I will manage living with someone that seems content not having a relationship or how long I can continue down this road with him but I need to do some serious internal inventory and start taking care of myself.

My question is how do you represent your relationship (or lack of) in front of others? Do I blattently just move on and do for myself around them? I apparently have some serious self doubt and I am concerned with how this may look to others. That I may seem like I am less of a partner to him when in reality it is the other way around. We work for the same company and the same organization within that company so we at times are involved in the same project. People also know both of us so there is a constant discussion on our relationship/marriage - just basically people interested in us for some reason.

I may be internalizing this too much but not sure how to take the first steps.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Untill they have walked in your shoes they do not have all of the facts. People are a strange bunch are they not? You can have good boundries and set limits on others around you that are not good for you. I think self care is a must. Go ahead and take good care of yourself. This is just my opinion, I am no authority. I wish you the best in this situation. Good luck to you. Keep us updated on how it is going for you ok?

 

[Bilby]

I am slowly starting to come to the realization that I can no longer take on my husband's problems or take on helping someone who will not help themselves.

This is true - he needs to get help for himself, and only he can do that.

My question is how do you represent your relationship (or lack of) in front of others? Do I blattently just move on and do for myself around them? I apparently have some serious self doubt and I am concerned with how this may look to others.

It's entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable doing, I think. For me, I carried on as normal around everybody else - there isn't a soul who knows that we were having such trouble in our relationship. I'm a pretty private person though (says she on a forum LOL) Thankfully, my husband sought help and we are now both working towards better days. :)

I'm not sure if this has been helpful? Good luck![DOUBLEPOST=1352344878][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh and gizmo is right - you do need to take care of yourself. Whether you do this by establishing a few hobbies for yourself or something else - it's a really good idea. I need to work on this too.

 

[discarded]

It is only me who thinks I should do more for my husband or could have done it all a whole lot better. With that said, my marriage is in crisis, I moved out 11 weeks ago now to give him his space, for what he said was a trial seperation. I have hardly heard from him since, he doesn't even ask about our daughter.

There really isn't anyone out there who cares about him as he has isolated himself from everyone. People he works with have no idea as he can hold it together at work but by the time he got home each day it was all too much and he hit the drink. I know it is easy for us to say it is no one elses business and until they can see what is really going on they can't understand, when you have to live with it everyday. Unfortunately when we take on the role of supporter there arent any guidelines or fine print to read to let us know what we are in for. We do it because we care about our partners and want them to be ok, then we realise they aren't and they may never be and we are all that equipped to deal with it. The forum is the best tool I have found to date. Hopefully someone will have been in a similar situation to you and can give you some advice.

Best of luck, you are doing a great job.

 

[Eleanor]

My question is how do you represent your relationship (or lack of) in front of others? Do I blattently just move on and do for myself around them?

I don't know the right approach for you, as it sounds like a complicated situation. What I can say is that it is none of their business. You should decide what your boundaries are, and then stick to them. If you want to share something personal with someone, you can. If you don't what to, and they ask... you can answer a different question! "Are you guys separated?" "What did I do with that stapler....Oh, do you know when wer are supposed to...?" Just stick to your boundaries whatever you decide.

I told a couple of friends. My best cousin. My daughter. Her teacher. Her doctor. The T's. That's it. No body's business but mine. Need to know.

I'm not a very trusting person tho...

 

[HollyB]

3kids: I can understand how you feel. A sort of, "What are people going to think about my relationship?" worry. BTDT in a previous relationship. Too many people were made privy to what we were going through. I learned the hard way to become intensely private about what goes on in the privacy of my home and within my relationship with most people. The only people I share my thoughts with now are my closest friends and my mother, those who I trust not to judge me or him... and they don't. I'm very thankful for that.

As for everyone else who is just, let's be honest, nosy and/or judgmental, I pay them no mind. I don't put on an act of sunshine and roses when it's not, and I don't do a woah-is-me or "this sucks" but either. I just don't share or let them in on it. Folks at work? None of their business. At the end of the day, they really don't care... they're just interested due to some weird sense of wanting to know what everyone else is up to (and I believe so that they can find people worse off, to make themselves feel better about their own situation).

It is only me who thinks I should do more for my husband or could have done it all a whole lot better.

This, I feel the same way.