My heart really goes out to you.
I wondered if it was a situation much like you described - rather than questioning if you were just whining. People don't usually end up with a professional diagnosing them with PTSD for out of control teenagers unless serious trauma and criminality was involved. It happens more than people ever want to face. Everyone wants to think all kids are good and it's always the parent who is bad and to blame. It's just not always the case - and your story and others stories prove it.
I also wondered about earlier trauma too. What you are enduring now is enough to lead to PTSD. It is also common for adults enduring current trauma to have also endured earlier trauma.
Everything you write sounds like the cycle of abuse magnified, and like you are doing your damnedest to get the cycle to stop.
I don't think *you* are the failure. So many caught up in family cycle of abuse payers just give up. So many get caught up in drugs. So many run.
So many never ever ask for help. You have. You are getting treatment and are here reaching out for support. This is HUGE.
You have been fighting for help for your son and daughter for years. *You* didn't fail them. Their root trauma and your own trauma was too big, and the system was too broken.
You are not the bad guy in this. Those who victimized you and later your kids are the absolute moral failures.
I hesitated suggesting foster care before I knew the details. I work with kids in foster care - and several of them have stories like your son's. There are not really good options for these kids who were traumatized and act out the trauma by becoming perpetrators at young ages. Our jails are filled with adults who have stories like your son and never got help or who were amoung the small percentage that are also sadistic. They are also filled with men and women like your daughter who try to numb the pain with drugs.
I'm proud of how you have fought for help for them and I'm angry with you how the system failed.
Putting these kids like your son in foster care can help the family, but it leaves other kids vulnerable, and frankly, you re right, it's not a good option. Keeping them at home tends to traumatize and stress the whole family, and isn't a good option either.
You did the best you could with what you had. You deserve many kudos and support to heal. Not comndenation or judgement - not even your own harsh criticism.
I work with the families of the kids in foster care, including some of the kids who are in foster care because of behaviors like you describe in your son, Some families are horrific situations where the parents house be in jail. Some situations are like what yours sounds like. Moms or Dads who are trying the damned to do the right thing with their out of control kid who is hurting others, and up against a system that fails again and again and again... I have sat alongside more than one outraged parent screaming "what happens when my son rapes or kills someone? Will you finally do something then?" The horror of knowing what your own kid is capable of, and trying to stop it, and not being able to - that is a pretty awful thing to face.
I myself have wanted to scream at people in the system who didn't do more. And I'm not a parent! I have been with those kids too that we are all honestly waiting for them to commit horrible crimes again. It's hard to figure out what to do and how to face it - even as a professional, rather than a family member.
It's hard. Some of these kids like your son have been deeply wounded and traumatized themselves. Some are just sick in a psychopathic or sociopathic ways. Some are a mixure. It rarely fits in any neat boxes and honestly challenges me about humanity. They are kids, some traumatized, but they have also done horrible things. They need support and we also have to keep society safe from them reoffending.
We have had kids that will falsely accuse staff or safe mentors or parents of horrible things - even saying things happened in places and at times were there was videotape. Then videotape is pulled and everyone sees that nothing happened. Sometimes the kid later says they made the false accusation because they were too scared to face the real person who hurt them. Some kids mean well but generalize the abuse to everyone. Some make it up for attention because it's the only way they know how to get sympathy and support. Some are just sadists who are manipulating people as a part of that illness. Some kids are telling the truth:
Whatever the cause, so much damage is done with accusations when they are false. It's hell. The falsely accused person then has their own sense of safety in the world shaken.
It's hard too, because we also have to keep an open mind about accusations of abuse from kids. I'm guessing you have felt baffled and shocked when hearing about the abuse your ex did. It is so hard I take in the reality that adults we have loved have had the capacity to wound kids so horribly.
It's not unheard of for a kid to really and truly be molested by more than one person. Perpetrators have an uncanny way of picking kids who have already been traumatized. It's a horrible thing - but members here on this forum tell stories themselves of it happening to them, again and again. I have seen it and experienced it too.
I'm not saying your son's accusations are actually true, and I'm not even suggesting your current husband did anything wrong. It's just worth keeping in mind if the investigation leads to any evidence. Past abuse cases are hard to prove and CPS is historically crappy at proving much. So if they do find evidence, more than just accusations, I would very seriously consider it.
As you have already experienced with your ex, child predators are very good at hiding it. It's absolutely not your fault you didn't see it before.
But without any evidence, and if professionals have diagnosed your son with sadism, it is very possible it is just a hurtful accusation he had made up for sympathy.
I think it's smart to be a little concerned your son could see to harm your family again. I would carefully consider talking to the police or DA's office. Since he has already been criminally charged and faced consequences for past criminal behavior, they may know of options. Maybe not. But they probably actually share your concerns about him acting out again. At the very least, you will make a record that you have concerns and that way if something does happen, they will likely act more quickly. At the very least they could help with a restraining order or maybe stepped up patrols in your area for now. Especially if he is accusing your husband falsely. There is probably some anger there.
There also a lot of reasons to remember that you do have ways to be safe now. Don't give up. PTSD blurs and messes up our sense of being able to feel safe - but even that can change too.
Just fighting the systems you have been up against is deeply wounding and horrible to endure. I myself only works few hours a week anymore in the system that helps foster care kids, and only as a volunteer now (so I can step back whenever needed.) Is traumatizing and emotionally challenging. Many professionals outright quit with serious symptoms of vicarious or secondary or even primary traumatization. And those are trained professionals who are not living in it all.
The way it affects parents is so much deeper.
I do stick by what I said: there are ways things can get better. I am going to be honest that this is probably going to be life long journey for you - just like it is for most people here with PTSD. I don't mean that you will spend your life directly dealing with issues around your son or daughter, but sorting it out and healing from the impacts of all of this on you. I have worked with parents who have been dealing with this for decades. They have talked of when it was worse and how it got better for them. It does get better.
You are on the right path by seeing a counselor and getting help. You can and likely already are a good parent for your little girl. You are smart to wonder and question the things that you are for her. You have taken another good step by reaching out here too.
The diagnosis and treatments you have started are new. I know things feel hopeless and really scary now, and it is awful things take so much damn time to get better, but I really want to encourage you that it does get better. Some of the hopelessness and fear you feel is a symptom of PTSD in and of itself.
It's really ok to let your older daughter go too. It's honestly better than trying to rescue her. She needs to hit her own rock bottom and get help on her own and begin her own healing journey. I know it's so hard for a mom to let go, I know you likely love both your kids - I don't doubt that. I also support you in letting go of them. They are old enough and around systems that have hard but possible options to help them. You can't save them when you have been drowning yourself so long. That doesn't make you the failure. It makes you the brave one who says I need help. It means you are a survivor.
The best thing you can do for your 3 year old is invest yourself first and foremost into your own recovery and treatment. If you are self injuring (not sure what you mean by hurting yourself) find all the info you can about grounding and mindfulness. Become an expert. This will not only help you, but it will help her tremendously. The more you learn to regulate your emotions and endure this tremendous pain in healthier ways, the more you can be the mom you want to be for her. And you have already taken great steps in that direction.
My heart really goes out to you.
