How do you know if you consent?

[grit]

@Muttly

I am really curious and I am sorry if I missed subtle meaning maybe. What are the legal ramifications of alters whose job is to give sex and the main person who does not? BTW, I am a female but my thinking of this is like how do we as a society safeguard a person who has alters and who is sexually assaulted? your comment just really trigger me for some reason. Please feel free to respond only if it is safe to do for yourself.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I havent had sex since I was last raped (over a year ago now) - I really hate calling rape "sex" in that context (the context of "the last time I had sex" - just makes me feel so disgusting and worthless) but I dont recall the last time I had consensual sex. It was years ago, for consensual sex.

I am simultaneously attracted to male genitals, and super triggered by them, disgusted by them. So, for now I am not really wanting a relationship. Yet I miss all of that so much, and intimacy. I'm afraid of the same sort of things though - will I fall into old patterns of abuse? Will I know when I really consent?

I met up with an ex-girlfriend (I am bi), months ago. While with her I felt all this attraction, and she was sending me signals like mad, touching me a bunch, etc. Her making advances was making me want to go along with them, automatically, out of nowhere. I just automatically went along with her vibe and everything.

I went to lunch with her just expecting to catch up, and wound up crushing on her hard. Yet just a day or two later, it faded. Shes asked me out a couple times since then and I've kinda just avoided it and put it off, because I know I dont want to, and am afraid of showing up to something with her and getting involved in something out of reflex.

I mean, this is an -ex- who broke my heart in the breakup, when I really look back on it, without rose tinted glasses. Yet there I was fawning.

I cant help but wonder what could happen in a similar situation with a male, or just someone who has a higher immediate desire for sex than that ex. Would I follow that familiar pattern, and automatically go along with what the other person wants, even if I dont actually want it? Am I even capable of normal relationships or sex?

My pdoc had to help me figure out that I dont want a relationship or sex with that ex, because after I lost the crush feelings I still was feeling like I had to pursue things with her, like a feeling of apprehension about declining her advances. She pointed out to me, that everything was pointing to me not actually wanting anything with her, so therefore it would probably be wise to listen to those feelings and go along with them. But, I needed her to point that out to me. I didnt really register it myself.

Gah. :/

 

[Sideways]

@grit - please don’t turn this thread into a discussion about legalities. Start your own thread. I’ve already asked once.

@Muttly - yup. My part that ‘takes care’ of sex for me is 17. Long long way from sorting that out.

 

[grit]

OK. wish I could delete that post...did not realize this was sensitive issue for you? I give permission for any moderator to take it out.

 

[Ronin]

Until you're sure who you're dealing with.

(While I totally see the point of whole the post and I think it is good guidelines) This can get tricky, though. Or I mean, I can be totally sure... and totally wrong. Reckon we might have only the best estimates to that, or if being willing to be with the person even if everything else is a muddy waters land, just based on what we do know (or suppose we know.)

(As to the discussion between @Muttly and @Sideways, still trying to find words for Take it is consent if I can botch it with nothing bad following, otherwise it is consent under conditions and conditions are complicated.). Eventually, if it is possible to share why reactions are what they are, and that explanation will not be just another manipulative ammo for the other party(ies).

 

[Mach123]

I'm thinking about this thread a lot and you know what? Everyone really wants to have sex and have it be ok but we know going in it probably isn't. (Here I go again) The other part that's bad is saying no no no and meaning yes yes yes. Or maybe you mean no but your body and behaviour (like the fact you don't get up off the bed and run) are saying yes. If you got up and ran, you actually meant no. That's part of the thrill of seduction though, isn't it? (Oh I couldn't help it, oh, he or she was devastating.)

We like to suffer and get in trouble in other words, are our own worst enemies, and can just about always be counted on to do the wrong thing. Wrong?

All of this, and much of it happens without our conscious approval, is natures way of ensuring babies get conceived whether we think we want that or not.
Now add in trauma and we're totally screwed. But maybe that's what we wanted?

 

[Friday]

Everyone really wants to have sex and have it be ok but we know going in it probably isn't.

All of this, and much of it happens without our conscious approval, is natures way of ensuring babies get conceived whether we think we want that or not.
Now add in trauma and we're totally screwed.

Ummm... I would posit this is a trauma thing, rather than how even most people, much less everyone, views/experiences sex as a baseline that then trauma makes worse.

I know, going in, that before/during/afterward is probably going to be amazing. If it’s not? That’s a problem to be addressed, rather than a norm to accept.