How Do You Make Friends?

[cherryblossom]

Oh, and I forgot to add - at the end of my previous post, I thought about my own use of the word 'haughty' in connection with her, and therefore, I said: Pencil said: ↑ Perhaps haughty is too strong for you - but you are aloof, and can be quite abrupt But then I wondered about that statement too, and therefore I concluded with: Pencil said: ↑ Perhaps we should start a poll :D

Seriously? Perhaps we start a poll? Was that a joke?

Firstly saying someone is 'haughty' or comes across as 'haughty' is quite insulting. Perhaps, with English being your 3rd language (I think you said that, forgive me if I'm wrong), you don't fully understand that 'haughty' is basically an insult. But then to propose starting a poll about it is ridiculous. If it was meant as a joke, it was a poor joke. How would you feel if I suggested starting a poll about how you come across on the forum?

Talking 'about' someone isn't much different to talking 'to' them when they can hear/ read everything you have to say.

I know being a moderator also changes the dynamic

Being a moderator doesn't change any dynamic, when it comes to discussion, opinions etc. Being a moderator is only about maintaining forum rules, administrative stuff. It has nothing to do with experience, opinions etc. Ayesha being a moderator here has absolutely nothing to do with this thread. Just as my post here has nothing to do with me being a moderator.

@Ayesha , you always come across to me as really approachable, open, and honest. You appear to have heart a gold, with lots of love to give. You give a lot of time to the forum, and other stuff away from the forum. You're grounded, mature, intelligent. I'm not great at making friends either. I wish you lived near by instead of thousands of miles away. I'd love to have a friend like you.

 

[digger]

In real life I appreciate people who ask me to clarify what mean rather than assume I'm saying something I don't mean, or meaning something I don't say, or who give me time to think before I speak. I struggle with verbal communication though so I guess it might be something I value more.

 

[bell]

@Ayesha, here's why I think that it's self-centric. (I don't think you are necessarily self-centric, only that we all are.)

If I ask someone for coffee and they say "no" and I immediately think "they are saying no because they don't like me" then I am being self-centric. I.e., not seeing that there is no end to the list of reasons as to why they might say no! A "no" doesn't equal "dislike of me." I do this all the time, and have to remember that thinking that "I" am the reason why they are saying "no" is self-centric, i.e., they are probably thinking about a lot of other things, this is not solely a rejection of me.

Does that make more sense?

We all are the center of our own world. (This is quite natural.) And it's easy to forget that so many times when you think someone doesn't like you, is upset with you, etc., it usually has very little to do with you and has to do with other circumstances in their life.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Actually I bought by the staff thing becasue:

I am aware for example that my diary gets less replies since being a staff member.

Which might be for other reasons, I don't know.

and there have been times I say things as a member (not as staff) and I have been accused of not being sensitive enough and that I should be becasue I am staff.

I think you mean I posted this thread as a member, right?

It has nothing to do with experience, opinions etc. Ayesha being a moderator here has absolutely nothing to do with this thread.

Maybe I am brought up something I shouldn't or maybe doesn't have that much importance to the thread or I misread. I do that to much. :O_o:

really approachable, open, and honest.

My therapist says "You are a very honest person expect when it comes to your medication." Which is true unfortunately... Thank you. I am not sure about 'really approachable'. I am not sure if I am in real life. I think it's easier here becasue you can log out, or think before you are required to answer something.

You're grounded, mature, intelligent.

Thank you for all those things. It is good to hear. I don't meet a lot of people my age who are like that, which might be one of the reasons I get so careful around them in college.

I wish you lived near by instead of thousands of miles away. I'd love to have a friend like you.

Same here. :) I like your honest approach too. I will read threads you have responded to simply becasue I like the way your response, word things (which I feel I can learn from) and I respect you. Your thoughts are good solid ones and you seem to know what you are talking about.

I'm not great at making friends either.

Sorry. :(

 

[Ghostybear73]

I agree with Cherryblossom on this one. :) I imagine you would be a great friend, I don't really know you, but I imagine you are an honest and caring individual. Of course I am like you, so if we did meet, neither of us would say anything and it could be the loss of a great friendship. Just a thought

 

[bell]

I don't meet a lot of people my age who are like that, which might be one of the reasons I get so careful around them in college.

Also, I think that when we ("we" meaning "humans") start thinking that people are one thing or another, we need to be careful to leave room open for them to surprise us. Meaning that we need to keep things open enough that people can freely be themselves, which may not be what they dress/look/act like at all.

I'm betting that there are lots of "grounded, mature, intelligent" people out there your own age! You just have to let yourself be known first, meaning that on this one, you're going to have to let your guard down a little bit (nothing personal, we all have super high guards up here!) and see what people bring to the table. It sounds like these two girls have an interest in getting to know you better, so this sounds like a good opportunity to move out of your comfort zone (just a little!!) and see what happens.

And one more thing. I think that when we have seen darkness/trauma it's easy to think that no one else understands us. Or that just because someone is smiling all the time they won't get the true us. We forget that everyone is going through their own battle, of different shapes and forms. Sometimes the person who you think may never get you, may get you the best of all.

(And I say all of this to you as much as myself. I struggle with this sort of stuff all the time!) :)

 

[seedling]

like where my hands are supposed to be

Maybe you could think of what you are going to do with your hands ahead of time. Pick something that will remind you of something you want to say. You could link a strategy about your hand position or movement to a subject you thought of earlier or a question you want to ask. Then, when the thinking starts about where your hands are, use the position or make the movement and remember the question/subject, then act on it.

I think you have made a good start already by picking the two girls in your class that seem to be a good choice by their reactions to you. Your opening questions have been basic and productive.

Are you able to spend a few minutes after class talking to them? It would be a way to spend a little time together without having to go somewhere. You could ask them what they thought of XYZ in the class. If you have the time and aren't sure if they do, you could ask "Do you have a minute to tell me what you thought of....?" If they say yes then you can relax instead of wondering if they really want to be gone.

And, people always like to talk about themselves. I have trained myself to remember to ask people how their kids/spouse/parents are doing once I know a little about them (esp if someone was sick, had surgery, went on a trip, etc). It's an easy, polite thing to ask about and I can listen as attentively as I can and work on remembering what they tell me. Complimenting something you like about someone's clothes, hair, or shoes can also be a simple one to start with.

You could mention your husband casually to them if you get the chance "My husband and I....." That lets them have a little information about you and opens the door for them to reciprocate.

"Oh, my God what have I done."

Absolutely know the feeling. But, what you have done is open the door to finding a way to make friends in your life.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Yes...and not intelligence or

Whose voice is that?

in control of my life or...

or...? What else?

With other people, no. With myself, yes,

So, self empathy will make you feel vulnerable. To what? Relapsing?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I am very curious if you are either of these:

https://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ.html

or https://www.personalitypage.com/html/ISTJ.html

or even https://www.personalitypage.com/html/ENTJ.html

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Oooooh or perhaps this one? https://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTP.html

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Since I know you like to read and learn, this is really fascinating: there is a bit in there about self empathy.

[DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-zesty-self/200909/stop-giving-me-empathy-it-makes-me-feel-bad[/DLMURL]

I know this is a thread about how to make friends. I just see so many layers in things. Perhaps I am projecting.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@StrongerNow I see the layers too. If it was clear cut this thread wouldn't have 60 replies in 24 hours.

I like your links a lot. I don't have a lot of time to deeply read through them right now but I resonated with the scientist one.