How Do You Make Friends?

[Lady of Longbourn]

I feel silly for asking this. :oops:

Currently I don't actually have any friends, even on this forum. I often get lonely.

In the past I sort of had friends in the city we used to live in. They were mostly wives of my husbands friends. I didn't end up getting very close to any of them. Now, if we lived there again I wouldn't have much in common with them, way to many foundation differences IMHO.

I had some friends before marriage. But looking back now, they weren't very good friends. Very toxic people. So I don't have a lot of good experiences with good quality people in my life.

There are two girls in my history class that sit behind me that seem nice. We will make a bit of small talk in class when we see each other but other then that I am not actually sure how to approach them. I find myself unsure what to say, do or stupid things like where my hands are supposed to be. I am afraid I will say something stupid or come on to strong and scare them off. The thought of seeing them before class and asking them a basic 'How are you?' makes me nervous. A good thing is I did have enough courage to ask their names and they both gave me big smiles and also asked my name. I do think they want to chat too becasue they both looked happy.

Any tips, ideas...?

 

[kahlan]

If you figure it out let me know lol!

I've lost most of mine (very few to begin with) because of my ex cuttimg me off from everyone but his immediate family. Never was too good at making them before either because I would always think everyone would think I was a doofus :$

Small chit chat with the two girls seems like a legit place to start though.

Maybe suggest coffee to discuss something about class...its outside the classroom but still structured enough to maybe alleve anxiety?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Maybe suggest coffee to discuss something about class.

Well, there isn't any homework in the class so discussing something wouldn't really work. Coffee is a good idea...but how do you bring that up? And how much do you need to know them before inviting them?

 

[arfie]

Ya JUST gots ta take the chance and put yourself out there.

How 'bout, "Hey, I'm wishing for a coffee chat. Any takers?"

 

[Julesnaz]

If you google how to make friends as an adult there are a lot of websites. If you have hobbies you could try and find a class and then there will be people with similar interests and that would make conversation a bit easier.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

How 'bout, "Hey, I'm wishing for a coffee chat. Any takers?"

Wouldn't work. I don't talk anything like that. :D But I get the idea Arfie.

If you have hobbies you could try and find a class

That is a good idea Julesnaz but I am already very busy with school and I volunteer too. Husband and I do take an art class every once in awhile and we enjoy the symphony too. But I am not sure how often I could do things like that.

 

[greenleaf]

Asking their names is a good start, and I like the coffee idea. Your experiences re. healing from abuse can actually be very helpful in being a good friend to people; you probably can feel strong empathy for people you like, and might be able to get a sense on non-intrusive questions to ask them. My take on an early sign of whether someone might be a good friend: if they appreciate being asked questions about themselves (this can be just what classes they are in or whatever, early on), and also notice you at least a bit and ask similar questions about your interests. One doesn't need a precise scorecard, but good friendships are two-way, over time.

Is it possible that you're quite good at being a friend, but you weren't taught how to protect your boundaries well enough to stay away from toxic people, so it's sort of a balancing issue that you are concerned about? (That has been a problem for me sometimes.)

My two cents, anyhow...

 

[Marf]

I struggled until I had kids. Now their social life gives me one. Good luck! I know it is hard. I got closest friends when I least expected it.

 

[Pencil]

Oops, here I go. There is no technique or step-by-step. Engage with people honestly if you like them. People KNOW if you like them. I experience you as very aloof. You may not like me - which is fine. But how about simply actually engaging with the people on the forum that you do like.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

this can be just what classes they are in

Oh, that is a good idea. A very oblivious one that I didn't think about. :oops: Thanks for the idea/reminder.

I struggled until I had kids. Now their social life gives me one.

Husband and I don't actually want kids.

I experience you as very aloof.

Oh. I was actually thinking about that while I was cleaning the kitchen after posting this. I think it has something to do with my role here and how I don't often know what to say; afraid being seen as not intelligence, facing anger or criticism (which happens). Also, it's all online. I am often told I am brave, honest etc. etc here but...Maybe other people get the aloof vibe too?

My therapist actually thinks I am a very social person. I enjoy making people laugh. But I feel I am very independent as well.

You may not like me - which is fine.

Hard to explain Pencil...I don't not like you or like you; I don't know you well and you don't cause trouble here. I don't feel neutral towards you either; I would be politely concerned if you weren't okay. If that makes any sense. I enjoy listening to the feedback you provide as well, so I do respect what little I know about you.

simply actually engaging with the people on the forum that you do like.

There are people here I like. But...I don't know. I always keep my distance. Even though I like them, I don't very often reach out and get to know them more.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

you weren't taught how to protect your boundaries well enough to stay away from toxic people, so it's sort of a balancing issue that you are concerned about?

Yes and I can count the number of friends I have had all my life on my hands. I don't have a lot of experience

Is it possible that you're quite good at being a friend

I don't know. Since being more mentally health most of time lately rather then not, I would think this would be a good time to know...but I haven't got any friends to know so maybe I am not?
.

 

[Ghostybear73]

You have reached out to me Ayesha and I thank you for that! You may not realize it, but I have seen you reach out to others, take their hands and pull them up. Maybe its time to turn the tables. That might help to get you started. Of course I am laughing at myself now because I have the same problem with people, but I am giving advice. I guess it just takes an outside perspective.