How Do You Manage Irritability

[Seagreen]

I often feel agitated. During these times I'm extremely sensitive to noise and touch. Even from my children or partner. Things that would not normally bother me become irritating or even drive to the point of being enraged. So far my only healthy coping strategy is to curl up in bed with a blanket over me but that is not always possible.

I've reduced my responsibilities as much as possible already and try to take sometime to myself each day. I don't want to be a horrible, naggy person. i'm sure my kids and partner are sick of it.

What strategies have you found helpful to deal with irritability or rage?

 

[Friday]

I'm generally a very direct / straightforward person: happy smile, sad frown.

Where this isn't the case is with anger.

It used to drive me insane as a kid that my mom could be 3 octaves into a major dressing us down over something (woman has range & projection), the phone would ring, and Smile! She'd be having the most lovely conversation with someone, all light and rainbows and unicorns... Hang up, and be 3 octaves in, red faced & bellowing again, in nothing flat! What the hell???

I had zero control over my emotional affect until I enlisted in the military. If I felt something? It was on my face, in my words, and dripping off my tone. I got re educated there, quite quickly. It was a relief, to be honest. Self control was not something I'd ever been taught, before. That I could feel something, and not express it, was a whole new thing. Moreover that I could save a thing, direct it? Wow.

With my son, I started teaching him how to do that from toddlerhood onward "Back up. Try again." (And if couldn't, timeout until he could. Should be noted: timeouts weren't / aren't punishments in my house. They were/are a time to let hot emotions cool into reason. No worries, kiddo. Give it a few minutes, then we'll have another go.).

With myself? Same deal. If I cannot choose the targets of my anger to lash out at, and with PTSD, for me at least, that happens... I isolate. If I can? Then I choose whether or not I'm going to be attacking the person in front of me. Shrug. I view words & tone to be weapons. If I'm not going to shoot someone, stab someone, why is it okay to shout at someone? Or whine at someone? My basic rules of fighting are "When is it okay to attack someone else? When I'm defending myself, someone else, or learning how to fight." In theory that might mean whenever anyone shouts or whines at me I can shout or whine right back. But I've spent too many years with certain people trying to get me to fight. It's my choice, not theirs, when I pick up my weapons. And it's my choice what weapons I use. Choice, is a pretty liberating thing.

I can be angry, I can be in a complete rage... And can talk about it pretty calmly. Can smile at my kid, give him a hug, make dinner, that kind of thing. It's the same sort of distance mentally as if you're in a complete rage at work but are talking calmly to your boss and not kicking their door, and slamming things around, etc.

It takes practice. A whole lot of "Back up. Try again." If you hear a snarky tone, and you didn't intend to pick up that weapon? Literally try saying it again. And again. If it's still not working... Go take a few moments, breathe, and try again. If you're slamming things around? Try again. Close the door gently. Set the glass down gently. Just because you're angry doesn't mean that you have to inflict it on other people. It doesn't have to leak out all over the place.

It can help, sometimes, to imagine a different person there. Someone it's not "okay" to use that tone with. Doesn't matter who. If you would never say "What the hell were you thinking!" To the grocery bagger? Or your kids teacher? Imagine them in the kitchen with you. In my own head, I have things a little backwards... The people I'm closest to rate the least of my anger. I will be polite to my own family before I'm polite to anyone outside of it. Didn't used to be like that. Took me about 6-12mo to make that switch, once I decided to. Again, practice.

Anger still needs to be vented. This isn't pretending not to be angry. It isn't not feeling anger in the first place. It's being angry, but choosing your targets. Instead of the targets being anything and anyone in your path.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Exercise helps me lately.

 

[jaccat]

Recognising it early and what's causing it helps. And validating it- anger is a natural feeling, one that needs expressing just like any other. It's when you hold it in that it builds up to epic, explosive proportions.

Then finding something to vent your frustrations on that's safe e.g punching a pillow, going for a really vigorous walk (just don't do what I did and go so far you nearly cripple yourself). If those things aren't possible doing something really pointless that takes a certain level of concentration can help. In the past I've got a bowl and spent an hour tearing up paper into little scraps and throwing it in. Another favourite of mine was drawing really big spirals and not letting any of the lines touch. It's surprisingly soothing and leaves me with a sense of achievement at the end of it.

Oh, and having somewhere you can go to get away from people, that they understand is your space where they need to leave you alone.

And in my case writing it out helps too. It often helps me trace what the real cause of my frustration is.

 

[TXbandit]

My t told me to start writing everything that makes me angry and irritated down then tear it out, crumble it up and burn it. I haven't tried it yet but I am REALLY looking forward to it. I get very irritable to the point that I I get very angry at the slightest sound, a tiny screw up I myself or someone else does at work, the littlest things... it's awful. I feel like I'm on a raging pms rollercoaster 24/7. I'm glad you started this thread. I could really use some pointers :) lol

 

[LotusRoot]

Gosh, Seagreen, thanks so much for posting this. I’ve been struggling with it terribly the last few months, and am on the verge of losing my job.

First, a big congratulations on noticing it, and admitting it – that often takes me a very long time, usually blaming other people, with some pretty fancy good-looking reasons that aren’t true. I usually catch those early symptoms of being sensitive to small things, and do something at that point, but the last few years have been heavy with elder-care, and I’m derailed.

I took some time-outs, tried to rest, looked for meditation workshops but that made it worse. Walking is usually a main thing, but I injured my foot and can’t go as far as I need to.

I finally resorted to meds. I use St.John’s Wort (a natural anti-depressant), which has worked for me in the past. I needed more than I use to, and may need to up the dose again.

The rage escalated so that I was getting heart palpitations for hours on end – I felt like I was being hunted (there’s a strong correlation, for me, between terror & rage. Often, I think, when I’m feeling terror, other people pick it up as rage.) At that point I went to a valium-type med, oxezepam, which I’ve had on hand for years, but have rarely taken. Took those a few times a week through December, into January, to slow my poor heart, or to sleep.

The meds gave me some breathing space. I talked to my boss. She’s suggesting med leave, but that frightens me (need the money, need the routine, but don’t want to make people miserable.) Like you, I’ve stepped back from some responsibilities, which hurts too. And that I wasn’t able to step back in a gentle way. Ouch.

I’m wondering about an anger management workshop. Maybe there are techniques there.

I’m hoping I can get it under control. Usually, for me, this is the first stage of a flashback memory surfacing, and my body always fights that – admitting this here helps. – I haven’t had a big one for awhile, so I’m out of practise. I can recognize now that this stage is generally where I go into ‘suicide’ mode: meaning that I just need to get through the day as kind to myself as possible, everything else is secondary.

I’ve found, like others, that doing little busy things can help – drawing, writing, doodling, tearing up paper sounds good, playing solitaire – anything that keeps the body busy for the hours to pass. Be kind: baths, walks, exercise.

I don't have kids or a partner (and this is why) -- so my heart goes out to you even more. I don't know what I'd do, but maybe talking, and a bit of family counselling? Sometimes kids just need to hear the truth "I'm feeling angry today." and "It's not your fault."?

Hope it eases soon.

 

[Hanala]

I really need help in this area right now. I am living in a dorm and very overwhelmed right now so I am working on it. The constant rage and irritability is all consuming

 

[digger]

Hi @Hanala - just a heads up that this is quite an old thread. You'll probably receive more responses by starting a new thread of your own to address the issues your currently experiencing.