Relationship How do you manage your emotions?

[Grateful Greg]

I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I am frustrated and lonely and exhausted from six years of riding the ptsd rollercoaster. I feel guilty because I resent my girlfriend's problems and don't have the patience I once had. When I try to think of all the reasons I love her, my thoughts are interrupted by memories of hurt feelings and angry outbursts. I know none of it is her fault. I usually have deep compassion for her and feel terribly sad that such a beautiful person with so much to offer the world has been taken away and forced to endure such hell. But something cracked in me and I can't stop feeling sad and misunderstood and lonely and on and on. Emotional boundaries don't mean a thing because my brain plows right through them, deeper into negative territory. I'm really having a hard time with intimacy. I often feel rejected and resent that sometimes it takes her hours to feel ok enough to be with me. Does anyone else have these problems? How do you stop the runaway freight train of negative downward spiral?

 

[The Albatross]

Arrest the depression and get down to problem solving.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I wouldn't see it as a negative spiral. I would look at it as a burnout. Compassion fatigue and caregiver burnout are very real and valid things.

Do not beat yourself up for being hurt and angry. You are not a martyr to your girlfriend's mental illness.

Being the focus of lashing out behavior hurts. Rejection hurts. Being villified hurts. Getting shut out hurts. Logically you know that stressors and triggers cause these behaviors, but let's face it, a punch in the nose is still a punch in the nose, even if the puncher can't control their arm.

Your emotions are valid too. You still get to have them even if you are the healthy one. You need to tell yourself this, because if not you'll end up in a codependent/doormat mode of feeling guilty for having any needs of your own.

If you need a time out, you get one too. If you need self care, you deserve it. Stop beating yourself up for having normal human emotions. You're not a supporter robot.

 

[Grateful Greg]

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I am not very good at taking care of myself. I let myself get run down and feel guilty if I try to do "me" things. I also feel lonely or resentful if she doesn't participate or seem to enjoy the same things I do. I'll have to figure that one out because I know it's not a realistic expectation. The worst thing is that I blew up on her and unleashed a barrage of saved up complaints and emotions Which will probably cause her problems for days to come. I will have to take this as a learning experience and pray for her forgiveness.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Grateful Greg I went back and read your posts from several years ago. @Sweetpea76 said it right. I came here the beginning of this year just like you with total caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue. It took me a while to put into practice what others here taught me. Things like going to my own therapist to help me cope, learning boundaries (this was huge for me), and taking care of me. It’s been rough but I’ve managed to get off that 10 year roller coaster.

I think the greatest thing I learned was that I needed to put on my oxygen mask first before I could be a great supporter. Once I started living that, my life got a bit easier or a lot easier to manage. The issues still exist but my emotional well being is much better.

I understand the blowing up and unleashing years of frustration at one time. I did the same thing. In our case, it may have been necessary because it may have been what finally made my sufferer take her therapy seriously. I don’t feel the need to pray for forgiveness because I shared my feelings. I’m sad it upset her but my feelings are just as valid as hers. We share, we learn, and life goes on. She learns to manage her illness and I learn to manage my reactions.

Take care of you.

 

[Grateful Greg]

Thank you very much for your input. I guess I need to get a better understanding of the boundary thing. I am going to research it in depth over the next few days. It's very cathartic and helpful to get on here and write something rather than just reading. I am going to try to do it more often. I feel terrible about the things I said and the anger I unleashed on my sufferer, she is walking on eggshells around me and withdrawn, but, like you said, there was some good that came of it. I was reminded that she wants nothing more than to be good for me and she tries hard to manage and cope with her illness. She has a great therapist and has had some truly amazing breakthroughs recently. Thanks again for your reply.

 

[The Albatross]

Never feel "terrible" for honesty even if it was angry. Partners get angry sometimes (mine was this weekend)... set some boundaries and evaluate your relationship so far as your needs in addition to hers. K?

 

[journeyoflife]

This is so beautiful to read. I have ptsd but it’s very encouraging to see a partner love his partner so much! You give me hope. I always feel like I am a burden, and exhausted with myself quite often. My good moments are blessings! But then I have those other days.:( you feel so worthless and undesirable. Aweful feelings, but I’m trying and doing my best. I work hard to find peace in that.
I see how you are working on yourself as well. As you mentioned your partner is too. That’s amazing! Growth is what I feel life is all about. It’s very uplifting to see such honesty, love, and determination! You should feel so very proud!!

Arrest the depression and get down to problem solving.

Gosh, if it could be so simple! You are clearly soo happy! Good for you

I wouldn't see it as a negative spiral. I would look at it as a burnout. Compassion fatigue and care...

Good points. Very compassionate of you and wise. I appreciate you taking the time to care and share