How Do You Observe Feelings Without Judgement?

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Thinkinman for your viewpoint. I do not know if it helps with the depression. I have alot to learn.

Nimkekaa thank you for sharing with me. I appreciate knowing to label the feeling. That helps to know this. I have had some success with this today and it has been a rough day with the anxiety. I know what you mean about not judging myself when I would not do this to someone else. We are supposed to be discerning which is another way or saying being aware. This is really good stuff.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Gizmo,

Nicolette is correct that it is based on eastern practices. Psychology has adopted some of these concepts and adapted them to help those who have to deal with intense or painful emotions or life situations. I am not someone who is into alternative therapies or interested in Buddhism at all but through working on my eating disorder have come across these concepts in the way they are used in psychology.

They are concepts that are linked to DBT and created by Martha Linahan who developed a programme for treatment of those with BPD. But DBT is being used more and more for those who have problems with emotions such as those who self harm, having addictions or eating disorders and those with trauma.

DBT is based on a CBT approach and emphasises an acceptance of the person as he/she is, combined with the expectation that current behaviours need to change. The tension that arises between this need for both acceptance and change is known as a 'dialectical tension'. Dialectics is the practice of finding the middle ground between two opposites (Linehan, 1993a).2006

So really it is about simultaneously managing both acceptance of painful emotions and situations whilst then working on changing what needs to change and developing skills to do so.

Some CBT has now adopted some of the techniques used in DBT and so in the UK we now have what is known as "Mindfulness based CBT".

Read a bit more on http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance_part_1.html for more information.

These exerts don't really give you the information you need though. I have not been lucky enough to have face to face treatment as in the UK as it is still almost solely used for treating BPD (unlike the states and Australia for example) but have read books and asked questions. I tried hard to face to face DBT but no joy. :( I would recommend a book called, "Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialetical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control by Scott E. Spradlin. I don't do the meditions but do use the concept a lot and it has helped me very, very much in my life.

Radical acceptance is about taking something that we maybe really don't like at all and totally accepting that it is what it is. That can be used in many situations. It can be used when looking at things that happened in the past; emotions; looking at who people are; things we have done etc. In western cultures we tend to teach fighting against so called "bad" emotions and the problem is that the more we fight the worse we feel. It increases the intensity rather than decreasing it. So by accepting things we let go of them and that in itself causes much more change than all the fighting does.

These concepts are particularly helpful for all of those of us who have had invalidating childhoods which I suspect is almost all of us with unhelpful pasts. An invalidating environment is where children are not taught to listen and express their emotions and their emotions or self expression is either rejected, discouraged or cruelly punished. That cause all sorts of problems.

Feel free to ask me questions Gizmo's! I hope I haven't been to confusing.

 

[Abstract]

Oh, and it takes lots and lots of practice so don't be discouraged if you find it hard!

PS. I realised I still had not really answered your question. The first step I believe is understanding the concepts properly. To be aware of what you want to achieve and why it helps. The next for me was properly being able to identify and label emotions and know where they were coming from (past, present and why). The next was using techniques to stop fighting emotions or truths and turning them into reasons to hate and pick on myself. DBT uses specific visualisations and techniques to do this. One I use is just imagining it as if it is a leaf that you place in a river and which you then watch slowly float by. You just look and observe and notice.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much Abstract, I appreciate the linc. I briefly looked at it and it said to take notes. So I will have to go back to it. Thank you for explaining this to me. I am very happy to learn this if it helps.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Gizmo!
There should be a general description of radical acceptance on the top right hand side of that page. The link should bring you to that section. There is an awful lot of information on the other sections of that website though. Including interpersonal techniques and skills.

 

[maddog]

Totally agree with what others have offered here. Learning to accept feelings without judgment is very central in my own therapy right now, and is an extremely complex and gradual process that involves many concepts and spans many of the therapeutic approaches and techniques discussed here.

In addition, one thing i am learning about right now is the concept of "making room" for multiple and often conflicting feeling states. Learning to identify emotions at all, let alone to accept the need or right to have them, is a mountain to be climbed in and of itself, but to then accept that often multiple and even conflicting feelings can and must be experienced simultaneously, and that all are ok and valid, really does require this notion of making room in one's mind for everything to just be there.

For those of us who are very cerebral people with a tendency to overanalyse and hence to invalidate our feelings, there are extra challenges. I had a surreal, quite significant, experience during an EMDR session on Tuesday that came to mind as I read this thread, as it really did call on me to make room in my mind for conflicting thoughts and feelings and to at least try to accept both without judgment. In accordance with EMDR process, we were trying to introduce positive cognitions to disrupt the negative ones associated with a particular trauma memory. T asked me at one point to attempt to take on board the statement "I am safe and I am with someone who cares about me".

Instantly, my automatic negative cognitions sprung into play, viciously resisting on the grounds that I could never be truly safe and that nobody could ever truly care about me. In the past I'd have simply succumbed to those thoughts and blocked out or suppressed any feelings, either confirmatory or in conflict, with that thought.
But somehow I managed, for just a little while, to not do that, and to both "make room" for and acknowledge the strength and negativity of my thoughts, whilst also acknowledging that, by contrast, I did actually *feel* safe, and did actually *feel* as though I was with someone who cared about me.

Resolving this thought versus feeling conflict and attempting to deconstruct the negative cognitions is of course a critical next component, but for the time being, I know that the ability to demonstrate some nonjudgmental acceptance of these differing responses was very significant for me, and allowed me a taste of the intended comfort and security that came with acknowledging my feelings of safety and acceptance. I doubt I've done it justice here, but it was an extremely emotional, very significant, moment for me.

Great thread, I have so much to learn from you all, and my best wishes to everyone struggling with this most fundamental yet complicated concept.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

Hi Maddog!
I almost discussed acceptance of warring states of mind, emotions or thoughts but thought I had gone on a bit! They are something I am in sore need of myself at present. I am glad you brought these issues up. I relate a lot too. Just identifying emotions took me years and years and years! :( It still takes hard and constant work and if I slip self destruct happens quickly. Invalidation is an incredibly destructive force in my opinion.

I think "Wise Mind" is also a very helpful concept in DBT. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Maddog and Abstract for sharing your thoughts with me and the others. I appreciate knowing that we can have multiple feelings at one time. That explains the mixed up and confused way I have been lately. I need to learn about what Wise Mind is also so if anyone has a thought on this I would really appreciate it. I am learning so much in one day.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Gizmo,

You are welcome. If you go to the same link again http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance_part_1.html and then look at the left hand panel of options and you choose "connecting skills" and then after that "Mindfulness" which is the top option. After that choose "states of mind" and then "DBT lessons Mind States". It is all there. That lesson doesn't address contradictory emotions but does talk about balancing emotion and logic to create a true intuition.

Shall see if I can remember what the other is called. Maybe Maddog will remember.

Just an added note: I didn't write it very clearly before. The book I recommended doesn't have meditations ad that comment was general. I found that book extremely helpful for all aspects of dealing with and understanding emotions.

 

[Tinyflame]

I relate to what MD has said, although I cannot quite identify and pick-it-apart as she has done.

I really like nimkekaa's post, think that's 100% true and accurate, so very well-described. I think it's a process, in so far as recognizing what you feel or that you are feeling anything, giving yourself even permission to feel it, making some sense of it, (and trying to seperate it from the past), and then not judging yourself for it, or finding fault or 'evidence' that makes us feel worse.

((((Dearest Gizmo)))), it will get better. :hug:

 

[saffy]

For me the journey was very quick.

Last year I discovered taoist teachings and beliefs and could instantly relate and understand them.

While educating myself in the world of the Tao I also discovered mindfulness and specific ways of dealing with attachments/aversions. The ability to diminishing attachment by looking at its importance.

I started to learn Buddhist four noble truths and try to walk the eightfold path to enlightenment.

http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/8foldpath.htm

I particularly like:
The Noble Truth of the Path that leads to Awakening. The path is a paradox. It is a conditioned thing that is said to help you to the unconditioned. Awakening is not "made" by anything: it is not a product of anything including the Buddha's teachings. Awakening, your true nature is already always present. We are just not awake to this reality. Clinging to limitation, and attempts to control the ceaseless flow of phenomena and process obscures our true nature.

Whilst on this journey a path led me to find 'Practising the Power of Now' Ekhalte Tolle, in which I learnt how badly dialogue from my past and future was affecting me in the present.

These combined with further understanding and practising has really helped me in a profound way and the difference was quick. I would not say I am a religious person in the sense of the word but I agree with what is spoken and taught.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[JustBe]

Radical acceptance is about taking something that we maybe really don't like at all and totally accepting that it is what it is. That can be used in many situations. It can be used when looking at things that happened in the past; emotions; looking at who people are; things we have done etc. In western cultures we tend to teach fighting against so called "bad" emotions and the problem is that the more we fight the worse we feel. It increases the intensity rather than decreasing it. So by accepting things we let go of them and that in itself causes much more change than all the fighting does.

These concepts are particularly helpful for all of those of us who have had invalidating childhoods which I suspect is almost all of us with unhelpful pasts. An invalidating environment is where children are not taught to listen and express their emotions and their emotions or self expression is either rejected, discouraged or cruelly punished. That cause all sorts of problems.

Thank you abstract. This is where I need to be I think.