How Do You Parent A 12y/o That's Been Sexually Abused?

[Heather]

I have more compassion and empathy for what my daughter has been through than anyone. But emotions are running high on both of our ends.

I am angry, crying all the time and my emotions get the better of me.

Nicole (my daughter) is struggling too. She is sooo unhappy, having outbursts and crying a lot. I think this being disclosed has opened Pandora's box for her.

I can't decipher if her behavior is because of the molestation or is it becoming a teenager?

And how much do I let slide? Being molested, is NO excuse for disrespectful behavior towards me or others.

She was so mean to her friend the other day. After we dropped her off I made her call and apologize. I also made her write: what does being a good friend mean to me. Then I took away I-pod, I-pad, x-box until morning.

Tonight she got so mad at me she called me a bitch. My anger is so out of control I screamed at her and made her go to bed early. I also took the I-pod away, yet again.

The only good thing that has come out of this whole mess, is that I use my anger to set limits with her. Before if I would tell her, "no" she'd keep at me. Asking and asking until I gave in.

Now, because I'm so pissed. If I tell her she needs to be home at 7pm and she challenges me. I say, "either you come home at 7pm or you don't go at all" "you pick". She picked 7pm.

I need help. Am working with my therapist and hers BUT any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hello friend,

I am so so sorry about everything that is happening. It's truly awful and I can't even begin to imagine how the both of you must be feeling :( I don't have kids myself, so I wouldn't know what to do in this situation at all. As a supporter, I can say that I have strangely vivid emotional reactions from when I was a teenager (I'm only 20 so I guess it wasn't that long ago...) and I know that hormonal levels as a teenager does have a huge part to do with it, but it doesn't make her emotions any less invalid.

I feel like maybe I have very little right to offer advice or suggestions since I'm not professional, but asserting your boundaries and what is and isn't okay is very, very good. Her anger shouldn't justify calling people names like this. I remember as a teenager just feeling really, really frightened a lot of the time - my sufferer, my best friend, was constantly anxious and terrified and suicidal, so my stress levels were often all over the place trying to daily and obsessively take care of her. In order to hide the fact that I was afraid, I remember getting frustrated or directing anger and rage towards something instead. I felt like everything was just unfair and terrifying and damit, no, there should be more out of life than this. I deserve to have more than this. When I was 12yrs old I was especially aggressive, a powerful misanthropist due to very, very intense bullying I endured as a kid. So I ended up just being aggressive and wanting to pick fights with literally anyone who made my best friend even the SLIGHTEST bit upset or triggered, including my own family members. But of course, I'm not your daughter, so she may have a whole different mentality, but normally I remember looking at my friends when we were all teens and we reacted to all forms of stress with anger and calling things that stressed us to be bitches, f*ckers, assholes or whatever else. So she could be going through a 'teenager' phase that slowly calms, but it might be something else...I don't really know. I'm just sharing my experiences...

From what I know, yes, it is important to set rules and boundaries for your kid. But know that even when you get angry, still let them know that you love them and that you care about them, even if you get angry...for example, when I got in a fight with my mom, I remember her reminding me that she loved me through actions - a little note in my lunchbox wishing me a good day, a soft little smile and a 'hello' when I got back home (even if I was still mad and threw down my stuff and gave her a glare), or maybe she did my laundry when I was gone. I know that maybe it's different for everyone; some teens would maybe hate it if their parents did that, but for me, it let me know that my parent still cared even if they got angry at me.

I'm so sorry for all of this happening; I hope that other forum members and therapists can help out more than I can. Hugs if you accept them!

 

[Friday]

Fundamentally? The exact same way I parented him before he became an abused kid. Nothing's changed in that regard.

***

Parenting... Is always a moving target. They're changing, constantly. Soon as you've mastered one phase? They're already in the next one, and it's time to add new dents to the drywall beside the last :banghead:. LOL. Ah joy.

What doesn't change, regardless of my son's circumstances, is me. North Star, baby.

((That doesn't mean I don't adjust and adapt to changing situations. Personally, I ascribe rather heavily to Authoritative Parenting, which dictates some seriously radical changes in relationship & responsibility as kids grow up. From indistinguishable from authoritarian early years to mentorship in later years, with a whole helluva lot of gradually increasing (& decreasing) levels of responsibility. But whether you're Permissive, Authoritative, or Authoritarian... And there are thousands of styles in those 3 main branches... Those are all thousands of "right" ways to parent a child, because there are only 3 wrong ones. Abusive, Neglectful, & Not.))

So I'm still me. I still have the exact same rules for myself as a parent, that I've always had.

Whether single, married, divorced... Whether I'm homeschooling & with him (essentially) 24/7/365 or I only see him during the summers & holidays... Whether he's an athlete, gamer, artist... Whether he's healthy or hospital bound... Whether he's a babe in arms I'm doing everything for, or I'm tossing him the keys to fetch the mail at the end of the drive... Whether he's abused or not... I parent him the exact same way I've always done.

 

[Suzetig]

It's a horrible situation for you both but I'm with @FridayJones on this one, parent her in the way you always have done. She needs you to be constant and consistent with her, she does need boundaries but using your anger to set and maintain them when you wouldn't usually do that may leave her feeling you're angry with her because she's been abused. Of course that's not the case but she'll feel a shift in you and will assume it's about her, because the only thing that's changed is that she's disclosed abuse. You need to find somewhere to put your anger that isn't directed at or taken out on her.

Would you have disciplined her by removing all of her tech before now? If not, and you're finding it's an effective way to manager her behaviour now, it would be good to talk to her about it when she hasn't done anything wrong and you're not pissed with her. As kids get older the boundaries do shift and the way you discipline should shift too but she needs to know what the rules are ahead of time, not find a boundary by slamming into it. Talk to her about her behaviour after you've exercised discipline too - talk about what was happening for her, how she was feeling, recognise that you saw behaviour that was out of character. Laugh with her, cry with her, let her know you love her and nothing has changed in your relationship with her.

She needs space to be a kid and still act out like kids do, try not to make everything about the abuse, eg she's a child who happens to be abused rather than an abused child, if that makes sense.

It's hard and I know your emotions are running wild so make sure you have lots of places to scream both here and in real life.

 

[Sammyiam]

I'm with both @FridayJones and @Suzetig. Nothing changes on the rules of being a friend to your friends, respect to your family and everyday consideration to other people. Look at everyone on this site, we have all been through some type of hell or we wouldn't be here, yet we are still considerate and respectful to each other. Your daughter will have to live with what has happened to her for the rest of her life, we all do but it doesn't give any of us the right to be mean or disrespectful to others, otherwise we end up as bad as them. Your daughter is very unsettled at the moment as she has lots to deal with but your boundries and guidelines will help her through, even thou at the moment she doesn't think it's to good.
You are doing a very hard job, with loads of emotions involved. Can you get some outside support for both her and yourself.
I only wish I had a Mum like you that would of helped me through my time as a child.
Take care

Sammy

 

[Heather]

@Sammyjam Thank you for your kind words and YES we are both in counseling.

@RecedingMoonlight thank you for your insight into being what a teenager is all about....all the emotions that go through one's head. I found your input very valuable.

I thinking using my anger to discipline more now.... is a good thing because I'm finally setting boundaries/limits with her. She doesn't like it but I'm no longer a push-over parent. We've made a chore chart and she had to pick 5 out of the ten things on the list, that was her duties.... She's doing it. Her room has never been so clean.

@Suzetig I have talked to her about my anger and how hard and infuriating this situation has been for me and when I do lose my temper, I apologize. That's one thing I make sure I do. My mother NEVER apologized and I remember that, and it was a shitty feeling.

I never in my life imagined that I'd be faced with the reality that my child has been abused. It' life changing, mind-altering and probably one of the most painful things I have ever endured. I thought my own abuse was the worst.....IT'S NOT. This is worse.

She was scared again last night and crawled into bed with at 1 a.m. She hasn't slept with me in months.

I thank you all for your replies and if anything new comes to mind I'd love to hear it. I try to do the best I can by her but sometimes I fall short.