Death How do you process grief?

[pam4him]

Thanks for your kind words. You sound a little better in them. As for "talking about it," another option might be to journal your thoughts and feelings. Then you can still keep it to yourself but also get it out. Sometimes talking or journaling just feels kind of freeing. Continued prayers for peace and wisdom.

 

[scout86]

What's the point in telling someone?

This is something I bring up to my T every now and then. His reply is that there's actually brain scan evidence that "talking about stuff" changes things in your brain. (At which point I usually roll my eyes and he usually laughs.) I've found that sometimes what happens when I talk about stuff surprises me. Things come up that I hadn't noticed. It might be worth it just to see what comes up. It might even by a way to practice experiencing "feelings" in your T's presence.

I'm glad your last conversation with your mom was a good one! We can't always control how those "last conversations" go, especially because we don't always know that's what they are, at the time. But I've found it to be helpful, for sure.

You've got more going on that just the loss of your mom, it seems. It was sudden, which is a thing. It will change the family dynamic, which is also a thing. But the rest of the family experienced it first hand and you didn't, and that's a thing too. On the one hand, I'd be relieved not to have been there. On the other hand, I'd probably feel guilty for a couple of reasons because I wasn't. I don't know how all of that strikes you, but it could be worth talking about.

You might actually be doing fine! Which would be great. In that case, talking about it a little couldn't hurt either. (Let us know how it goes?)

 

[HealingInProcess]

Or arts and crafts as well to express yourself.

This is something I bring up to my T every now and then. His reply is that there's actually brain scan evidence that "talking about stuff" changes things in your brain. (At which point I usually roll my eyes and he usually laughs.) I've found that sometimes what happens when I talk about stuff surprises me. Things come up that I hadn't noticed. It might be worth it just to see what comes up. It might even by a way to practice experiencing "feelings" in your T's presence.

I'm glad your last conversation with your mom was a good one! We can't always control how those "last conversations" go, especially because we don't always know that's what they are, at the time. But I've found it to be helpful, for sure.

You've got more going on that just the loss of your mom, it seems. It was sudden, which is a thing. It will change the family dynamic, which is also a thing. But the rest of the family experienced it first hand and you didn't, and that's a thing too. On the one hand, I'd be relieved not to have been there. On the other hand, I'd probably feel guilty for a couple of reasons because I wasn't. I don't know how all of that strikes you, but it could be worth talking about.

You might actually be doing fine! Which would be great. In that case, talking about it a little couldn't hurt either. (Let us know how it goes?)

I really like your analysis Scout. I know this isn't my post but your analysis reminds me to break things down so I can deal with the pieces more easily then if they were all clumped into one.

 

[barefoot]

I went to my last therapy session thinking I would trust my T’s experience and go with her suggestion that talking about my mum’s death is important...so, even though I didn’t know what to say about it, I thought I would go, tell my T that I was going with her suggestion but that I didn’t know what to say and hope/trust that she would guide the conversation. I even took my favourite cuddly toy who I haven’t taken to sessions for ages..for moral support.

And then I got there...and there were roadworks right outside her window, so we had a 90 min session against a soundtrack of a pretty much constant sound of a pneumatic drill. FFS! It was a dreadful noise and really distracting...and I decided pretty much straight away that it wasn’t the sound or atmosphere that would support me in diving in to exploring my loss and grief!

@scout86 - yes, there are a few factors. My T has called it Traumatic Grief. I’ve googled it. Sudden death, where there is no chance to prepare or say goodbye. It just comes out of nowhere. So the bereaved have to process their loss/grief and also the trauma. And the family dynamics...yes, that’s a big one...family dynamics were tricky for me before and, in some ways, this situation has now worsened without my mum in the dynamic. Things are very difficult and anxiety-making.

Like you, I do feel very relieved that I did not witness her death first hand, unlike my dad, sister and niece. I feel bad for them that they went through that. My dad told me in so much detail everything that happened and it was in their home, which I know so well...so whenever I think about it, I see it as though I was there anyway. I know it’s not the same as being there..I know it was worse for them...but my vivid and visual reconstruction of events doesn’t make it seem all that distant.

On the “what’s the point in telling anyone?” front...something interesting happened on that front...the dreams I’d been having about my mum...often several a night, most nights in the week...they lessened after I told my T about them...I wrote them all down on a big sheet of paper, passed them to her for her to read and we spoke for just a few minutes at a pretty surface level about them...they are still happening and still having an impact but they haven’t been as intense of frequent since. Perhaps that’s what happens when you tell someone? Perhaps some things lose their power a bit?

 

[scout86]

I know it was worse for them..

It's tempting to make that assumption. And, maybe it was. But people are affected differently by stuff and there are all kinds of ways things can be "hard". It was different for them, that's for sure. I suspect it helped your dad when he described things in detail like that.

Perhaps some things lose their power a bit?

I read something else about this the other day. I wish I could remember where! It caught my attention because it supported my T's "talking about things helps and there's evidence to support it" thing. Apparently there IS evidence to support the idea that talking about stuff is helpful. I still don't really get it, but I guess I'm willing to accept the possibility.

I'm glad you had the conversation! Thanks for reporting back!

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 - I think I feel it must have been worse/harder for them as they were there and they were right in the chaos and trauma of it.
My sister found my mum in the bathroom.
My dad did CPR but couldn’t save her.
My niece was woken in the middle of the night to find paramedics and police downstairs and my mum laying dead on the floor.

They have reminders every day of what happened because they all live in that house and because it was an awful experience. My sister couldn’t go in that bathroom for months. I think she still pretty much avoids it.

It hasn’t been fine for me. At all. I have still lost my mum. It is still traumatic to have her gone so suddenly. And the level of detail my dad gave me has enabled me to reconstruct it so clearly that I feel that I almost was there. I think you’re right and that talking me through every single awful moment helped him in some way. I don’t think it helped me. It was just horrifying. But I was in such shock that all I could do was keep the phone to my ear...

Re therapy - I only managed to have the brief surface conversation about the dreams using the brainstorm a couple of weeks ago...the drilling put me off a deep dive into my mum last session so I talked about work instead ? So, I didn’t manage to do that. It just felt...inappropriate...