How Do You Respond To Other People's Anger?

[sun seeker]

But in the grand scheme of 5 years of his working his arse off for me...I just forgive him...this time.

I think that's an important point. Does how hard he's worked for you justify behaving that way? This friend has done a lot to help me... then again, I've done a lot to help her. But if either of us have done it expecting that to justify rudeness, well, I don't think it's supposed to work that way. Better not to do all those things to help than to do them expecting them to imply carte blanche to be nasty to the person on the receiving end of the help, I think.

My mother had/has terrible boundaries. She would give the shirt off her back... but expect that gave her the right to tell you how to life your life. It doesn't. Better to say "no" sometimes than to lack respect. That's what it's looking like from here.

 

[sun seeker]

I hate being around angry people and bow out.

I have a question here though. After their outburst is over and you've bowed out, what do you do to repair the relationship, or state your boundaries around further interaction? Or do you avoid the person from then on? It's the "what then" part that I'm wondering about. Sorry, I should have made that clearer.

 

[sun seeker]

It's the following through on those decisions that's usually the hardest part of the anger explosion.

Yes, exactly. This is where I am wondering what to do next. This is not an easy person for me to just walk away from. I need to decide what to do next. My strategy up till now has been to either avoid people who have treated me this way, or allow it and let resentment build up until things explode again. Neither works very well. As humans, we do make mistakes. I need a strategy for recognizing the mistake and rectifying it.

In this case, my mistake was not being clearer about asserting my needs in the first place and letting my resentment grow. Even so, I wasn't the one who exploded. She was. But this comes at the end of months of not getting what I need in this situation, so I am less inclined to just let it go.

I think I need to tell her that it was my mistake not to be clearer about my needs from the beginning, but that this recent behaviour is not acceptable and she will have to decide whether she wants to put in the work to regain my trust. Until then, there are certain boundaries I will put in place. I won't accuse, and put it all in terms of what I need and not what she did wrong.

Does that sound like a reasonable plan?

 

[Sideways]

Easy non-confrontational way to gauge where the other person is at after they've exploded? Laugh about it with them. Seriously. Next time you see them, put on your happy face, and laughingly say something like,

"Hey, you remember that total brain explosion you had at me? I've been thinking about it and man, like, WHERE did that come from? You must've been having one SERIOUSLY bad day there champ because that TOTALLY knocked me for six..."

Sounds odd, but how people respond to that is telling. Some people literally won't even remember it, some people get sheepish on being called out, some people get angry again because it's still an issue for them, and some people laugh back. You can get a tonne of insight from the way they respond if you throw it back again, non-confrontationally. Let's them know that it was something that effected you enough that you've been stewing on it, but it does it in a way that gives them a chance to readjust their position and what they said, try and turn it into water under the bridge, or whether no, they actually are being really unreasonable and have no idea. Also helps repair the relationship if you want them to know it hurt, but you're prepared to move past it.

Just one strategy I use...quite a lot. Then you go away and have another think, now that you've given them an easy situation to apologise in. If they haven't used that gracious way out to repair things, then you decide where you really stand.

Strategic laughter. Something I use a lot!

 

[ladee]

This is one area of my healing that may always need constant vigilance on my part. I immediately go into 'fight' mode. My brain shuts down and I am horribly impulsive in this area. One I have worked on for years... the internal things never change in my reaction... but I have learned things to delay my own outburst.. walking away is best for me.... as it gives me time to decompress. And then decide if I want to pursue this situation... sometimes it isn't even worth my energy, other times, yes, I am invested and hopefully find my balance. Then approach in a different direction.... I never need nor expect an apology... if it happens great. if not, no big deal... as I am watching behavior after an encounter, not listening to words....

 

[Friday]

It very much depends on the relationship, itself.

2 completely different sets of rules outside of my normal rules below

1. If it's a child? I have a rule about not getting emotionally invested in an argument with a child, so children's anger usually doesn't touch me at all. Does it happen from time to time? Of course. But that's on me. I'm the grown up, here. It's my responsibility to remain true north. If I cannot remain still & true? I take a timeout until I can.
2. Similarly, if it's someone I have professional detachment with? Completely different rules apply than to someone I'm choosing to have be a part of my life.

3. If it's an adult? That I'm choosing to have be a part of my life? A whole lotta factors in play here.

Biggest pieces are;

• How invested in the relationship am I?
• Is it fair that they're angry with me? If so? How commensurate is their anger?
• How much is anger an existing part of our relationship? // How much am I willing to let anger be a part of our relationship?
• How do they express their anger & does that fit in with my own morals?
• What does their anger "taste" like?

((On "taste" : There are people whose anger 1) infuriates me, regardless of the cause, and 100) there are people whose anger amuses me. Many of my greatest, most beloved, dearest friends have serious hot/cold rage issues... but their anger "tastes" good. Not quite sure how else to explain it. Aka it makes me smile / amuses me. Not in any way minimizing what they feel and certainly not underestimating what they're capable of when angry... It's just "them" :D And I'm deeply okay with the flavor of their emotions..... Meanwhile there are 2-99) other flavors of anger. Some of which I deal with better than others.

That's entirely a me, thing, how I feel about someone else's emotional expressions. Everyone gets angry. Everyone expresses anger differently. How I relate to their anger? Is a seperate matter, and very much my own lookout. That does not mean it's my fault, or something to be ignored. On the contrary. If someone has anger I cannot abide? It's my responsibility to do something about it / aka walk away / aka not have them in my life. Soooooo not something to ignore, here. Really. Absolutely. 100%. Huge flashing neon red warning sign; do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not even attempt to deal with them. Over, finis, done. I've made the mistake in the past, a few different times, of thinking that since I'm the one with the problem, it was my fault or I somehow needed to...difficult to explain... Suck it up/ change how I felt about it/ somehow explain to them why/ IDK. The short of it? Nope! Each and every single time I have made this mistake I have paid dearly for it. If someone's anger is something I cannot abide? The taste in particular, but also any other aspect of it, I cannot abide it. Period. Finis. Done. I wish them the best in life, but we're through.))

ETA... I never truly trust a person until they've gotten angry with me. I don't believe I will ever actually know who someone is until I've seen their anger in play, ideally in blind rage, but anything short of that at least gives me a taste... But to truly trust a person? It's more than just knowing what they do when pissed off at someone/something else, although that helps. I need them to be angry at me, at least once (fortunately, I'm annoying as f*ck, so this usually happens in the early days ;)). That's where the rubber meets the road.

 

[Sideways]

@FridayJones - just like some people slip into "blind rage" at the drop of a hat, others of us rarely (if ever) do the "blind rage" thing:shy:

It's not coz I have some kind of "little Miss Perfect" gene, I just don't ever react to situations that way...

Just thinking that might also go a bit with your trust thread...if you really genuinely can't trust someone till you've seen them do the massive rage thing, that would mean that you don't trust people if they can't lose their top...??

 

[Friday]

I think I need to tell her that it was my mistake not to be clearer about my needs from the beginning, but that this recent behaviour is not acceptable and she will have to decide whether she wants to put in the work to regain my trust. Until then, there are certain boundaries I will put in place. I won't accuse, and put it all in terms of what I need and not what she did wrong.

I very much like the second part of this! :)

The first, my only worry, is that it's completely fair not to know what your need/wants are in the beginning... Or to have those change over time. People change. Relationships change. Needs & wants in relationships change. That's normal, and right, and life.

((So sayeth Friday ;) But for real, the only static relationships/rules/etc. I've ever come across are in abusive relationships. In every healthy relationship I've ever been a part of, both people change over time. Need/Wants & roles shift about to accommodate changes in circumstance. Every time I'm in an abusive situation it takes me a little while to shift gears again. Oh. Right. Change is normal. It's not my "fault" for not being perfect from day 1; because day 1, & day 762, & day 9,624? Are going to be structured differently. Change happens. And that's okay (even if sometimes sad, or relationship ending... & even if it's to the betterment of the relationship). Change? Normal. Expected. & Right. This may totally not be you! But the first part about not being clearer from the beginning? Just reminds me of me when I'm stuck in static thinking & taking blame for not being perfect.))

Just thinking that might also go a bit with your trust thread...if you really genuinely can't trust someone till you've seen them do the massive rage thing, that would mean that you don't trust people if they can't lose their top...??

<chuckling> This thread is actually what inspired the trust thread! :D Good catch. It was the rage piece, how I have to see someone angry to trust them, that started turning gears.

I prefer blind rage, but don't need it. Any kind of anger will suffice. It's just that the stronger the emotion? The less in control someone is? The clearer view I have. I believe, from my own observation, that given the right provocation? Anyone is capable of anything, action wise. How they go about those actions? Is what's telling.

As a case in what may seem like opposite point? I have a girlfriend, sweetest thing on life, who I've seen her in blind rage... And her blind rage? Is nicer (more kind, more accepting, more reasoned, more brave), than most people's best behavior. She quite simply does not have a violent, mean, or cruel bone in her body. For herself or anyone else. She's her own unique work of art, a masterpiece. She fascinates me. And she should be canonized as Saint. For true. I've seen her completely lose control, and... Its... Remarkable. It's not that she's incapable of seeing or recognizing evil, and she's smart as a whip, it's just that her response to true evil is a sad acceptance of the necessity in that person's death &/or removal from society for their own sake and the sake of everyone who would ever come into contact with them. Grief for their victims, remorse for what twisted them, and unwavering acceptance of what needs to happen. Whatever it is. Her anger tastes like sunshine in the rain, and her rage tastes like unconditional love. She's the purest thing I've ever known. She doesn't take shit. Of any kind. And after having your ass chewed more thoroughly than it's ever been chewed? Faults laid bare in what could be suicidal detail? You walk away feeling more confident, self assured, & better for it. She completely confounds me. If gods are walking the earth? She is one. And She's Benevolence.

 

[Sideways]

ETA I do "anger", but it rarely "looks" like textbook anger...

 

[sun seeker]

Easy non-confrontational way to gauge where the other person is at after they've exploded? Laugh about it with them. Seriously. Next time you see them, put on your happy face, and laughingly say something like,

"Hey, you remember that total brain explosion you had at me? I've been thinking about it and man, like, WHERE did that come from? You must've been having one SERIOUSLY bad day there champ because that TOTALLY knocked me for six..."

I love your method. Trying to imagine myself doing this, though... I don't think I'd be able to pull it off. Musing on why. I think it's because I have my own anger that is triggered by the other person's anger at me, only I hide it because, well, I'm afraid of anger. Including my own. Laughing at the incident that caused the anger seems incompatible with my feelings.

I'm glad you brought this up, because it adds an element I wasn't aware of. My own anger at being treated like shit. Didn't realize this was part of it till now. Thank you.

 

[sun seeker]

The first, my only worry, is that it's completely fair not to know what your need/wants are in the beginning... Or to have those change over time. People change. Relationships change. Needs & wants in relationships change. That's normal, and right, and life.

True. And a good point, and an indicator of the need for good communication, which is another part of what I am learning from this incident. It also gets back to your thread on trust. I am insecure around change. I tend to be afraid that if things change, it means they will get worse. Not necessarily true, and it causes me a lot of anxiety. If I trust that I will be okay even when things do change, though, it doesn't really matter.

In this case, I did know what I needed some time ago, and didn't speak up because I was afraid of my friend exploding, exactly as she in fact did. I was accurate in what made me hold back from expressing my needs, but if she was going to explode either way, it would have saved me a great deal of grief to get it over with a long time ago.

What does their anger "taste" like?

Not safe for me to be around. I'm trying to think, though, whether anyone's anger feels safe to me. There are people I know whose anger scares me even when it isn't directed at me. There are others who mainly express anger by walking away, and that scares me too. So I'm not sure if anger of any kind feels safe to me. Obviously something I need to work on.

This friend in particular? When her anger is directed at others so I have some distance from it, I can clearly tell what the problem is for me. She doesn't take responsibility for what she needs and expects others to just know, then explodes when they don't. There is a lot of covert anger simmering under the surface. It reflects my own - except usually I express anger by directing it at myself. This thread is pointing out to me that my anger exists. It's good to know.

 

[Sideways]

@sun seeker - it's a strategy that can be really handy, because it allows you to actually confront all sorts of situations that you might ordinarily avoid dealing with. And it's one that you can practice...

Eg. Buying groceries, someone's getting in your way as though you don't exist? Laugh at them, "Haha, you TOTALLY didn't even see me coming, haha".

Not only are you letting them know you've noticed their behaviour and didn't like it, because you're doing the opposite of seeming angry about it, you actually end up getting apologies from all sorts of people who you'd usually just go home and fume quietly about:)