Relationship How Do You Stay Sane As A Supporter?

[Breezy]

Here goes.....

I have been with a man for over 2 years who saw 2 deployments to Iraq.

I met him after his 2nd deployment. Right away he was up front with being diagnosed with PTSD and that he was on medication and was seeking treatment. He moved back to our home state and continued the meds, but not the therapy.

We moved in together and the relationship was great. This past April, things took a drastic turn and our relationship crumbled. We were both to blame. I remember right before all the arguing began he said his meds were not working any more. Long story short, he and his children moved out however we continued to work on our relationship. Since then he stopped taking his meds completely.

Early in June he started the process with the VA, but once all of his appointments were set, he backed out. I have seen what I call a cycle with him. Every 4 to 6 weeks he goes through a period that lasts about 1 to 2 weeks long in which he is very agitated, irritable, angry, distant etc etc etc. He is just coming off of another cycle. The problem right now is that he is so emotionally void of anything and everything. I try to talk to him about things but I get a huge wall whenever I attempt to speak of any type of emotional thing. Either that or I hear "I'm irritated" with whatever the situation is.

Our relationship has become stagnant and I believe the only thing that can improve is either couples counseling or individual counseling for him. I have and continue to go through my own counseling.

Prior to April when he moved out, I had a very warm, deep, emotional, supportive, caring man. Now, I see an empty shell. Not just towards me but towards anyone (kids included) that need emotion from him. I still see glimpses of the man who I fell in love with; I know he is there. Tonight I attempted to speak to him of these things. What I received back is "this is irritating me" or "no, I don't want to go to counseling" but then he will turn around and say "I love you" or "I want us back, but don't know how to get us there". Then the next thing I heard was "I'm so tired of the drama". He said he was too overwhelmed with kids, work and school and he wanted less quantity of us.

We don't currently live together and rarely stay with each other during the week. We do see each other each day and typically do dinner together with the kids and then I go on home. He is fully responsible for 2 little ones and I worry that me giving him less quantity will make the overwhelmed feeling only worse.

I will give him his time and space...as difficult as it is. My question is, how do you all deal with this? How do you keep yourself from breaking into a million pieces as a supporter? How do I continue on with this?? I feel like I am going crazy with worry about him, myself, the kids and our relationship. How do I deal with my anxiety and insecurity? I don't feel like I have the assurance that I need to know we can get through and if I step back more do we really have a relationship?

Maybe I am seeking reassurance here. I guess I am trying to grasp on to anything that will help me through this and to know that I am not alone. Please know that I love him with all that I have. I love his children as they were my own. I am just so very tired.

Thank you for reading, and for any encouragement/advice you provide.

 

[Dallas]

Moving too fast, pushing too hard. Let him heal. Give him space. Work on developing your own interests. Maybe you moved in together too soon before you knew each other?

It sounds daunting to have to "work" on a relationship that's so new. Let him be on his own "cycle". That's really his own business. Let him manage his own illness as he sees fit. You can't make him well. Release him to seek his own health and well being. It sounds overwhelming. Just concentrate on improving your own life and you will feel much better. You can't control him or his life.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[discarded]

I am at the point of believing that it is not possible to stay sane as a supporter, well not without a lot of support for yourself. I have been with my partner 28 years and he was diagnosed 7 years ago after 4 deployments. The first 2 years were hell and then he got help. Now he has gone downhill over the last 12 months and refuses to admit he is suffering and won't go back to counselling. I left him after months of arguing that was out control. Then I found the forum and discovered I knew very little about this illness and learned that I had done just about everything wrong to help him deal with it. Now I have to learn to forgive myself for the outcome and for putting him through so much extra stress. I have learned more than anything that I can not fix him as much as I want to, he must reach out for help for himself.

My advice is to learn as much as you can about PTSD and what to do and not do for your sufferer. Be kind to yourself and get help for yourself when you need it. Build yourself a life seperate to his so that when he needs alone time you won't be alone too. I know it is so frustrating when there is no communication or emotional response, but that is just the way it is and only you can decide if it is worth it.

 

[myvetswife]

It helped me a lot as a supporter to actually know what is wrong with my husband. We are married over 19 years now and most of it spend with PTSD undiagnosed.

After we knew why he reacts like that, we _both_ worked on it. There are still times where it is difficult. And there is no stand still in working on the relationship.

 

[amethist]

I honestly dont know how you ladies cope with all this, its hard enough knowing them pre PTSD

I think it makes a difference if you have had a life without PTSD before it hits, it seems to give you something to work on.

I have learnt to do so much for myself, letting my husband deal with his own issues more and more. He did rely on me a lot at first, but now he manages better on his own.

I think I lost a lot of my own sanity along the way, but I am beginning to get it back again, doing more for myself to help me cope with everyday life again, with PTSD in the mix.

 

[myvetswife]

I honestly dont know how you ladies cope with all this, its hard enough knowing them pre PTSD

Is that a compliment?;)

My husband is also suffering Borderline so it makes it all more difficult. But if the Sufferer wants to work on it, it gets easier.

 

[ms spock]

I am at the point of believing that it is not possible to stay sane as a supporter, well not without a lot of support for yourself.

I think having substantial support when you are a supporter is a really great way to go. I think breaks and self care for carers is really important.

I don't know how to advise you Breezy. I wish you well. I think it is great that you are going to counselling, that is impressive. That is a great step. Good on you.

 

[amethist]

Is that a compliment?

Definitely myvetswife.

 

[Bilby]

I am at the point of believing that it is not possible to stay sane as a supporter, well not without a lot of support for yourself.

True! You really do need a lot of support for yourself.

 

[monicaelise]

The more I think about this problem, the more I wonder if it may be a matter of extricating oneself from the role of "supporter" and allowing yourself to just being around for support. Perhaps it's a matter of recognizing the person you're with has these issues to deal with, but they're not yours. You can love the man (or woman) and offer to help, but not make him (or her) the certain of your universe.

I really thought I would chuck the whole relationship I've been in over the last six months, until I realized I don't have to make him my focal point at all. It doesn't mean we can't be involved or that I can't have him in my life, he just can't be my life. If he wants me around, and I can accommodate him, I'll be around. If I can't, I won't.

 

[NikknIsaac]

I am going through close to the same thing. My boyfriend goes through those "cycles" as well. We can go from doing great to everything and anything stressing him out. He's kicked me out twice and right before I move out he changes his mind saying we can work on things, that it's problems of his not our relationship. I'm at a lose as to what to do anymore. I'm supportive but these "cycles" are tearing us apart. We get close and then almost like strangers. I love him and I want to help him through this anyway I can but I don't have a clue where to start

 

[discarded]

After you have been with someone your whole adult life it is awfully hard for them not to be the centre of your universe. That is what I struggle with. My whole life revolved around him due to his career and I find I don't know who I am without him. So now I must start a journey of building a new life without him in it, which would be a whole lot easier if I didn't have to communicate with him because of our children. But as you say, things might get back on track for him and he'll want me back in his life, then what??