How do you stop being selfish?

[RVA21]

I spent some time reflecting on my own behaviours - a lot of time actually, and realised that for much of my life I have been a very selfish person. I noticed that I didn't care too much about how other people felt either. I feel terrible about these and other things about myself. I want to stop being this way but.. I am not sure.. how do I stop it?

 

[Friday]

Seems like it would depend on how you’re being selfish that you don’t like.

 

[RVA21]

Sorry I'm not entirely understanding what you mean @Friday?

 

[Chris-duck]

Have other people commented that you're selfish? Or is it just something you feel about yourself?

I ask because I feel like I'm an incredibly selfish human, but other people seem to have this weird idea that I'm not :laugh: So yeah, like Friday said, it depends what you are *doing* that is selfish. Like what actions are you taking that you consider to be selfish? Do other people agree? And are the people who think you're selfish people whose opinion even matters?

Like if you're f*cking everyone else over repeatedly for your own personal gain that might be worth looking at changing, but if you're just setting boundaries or whatever and feeling guilty about it, it'd be better to work on feeling okay about what you're doing, not on changing what you're doing. If that makes any sense at all :laugh:

 

[Friday]

There are only about 10,000 ways to be selfish. Aside from “stop that” ;) they’re going to have different ways to work on changing them.

Like the best way to deal with stealing from other people, because they have what you want, and it only matters what you want... or talking badly about people to make yourself look good... or lashing out at people when you’re mad... or spending all your money on cigarettes instead of food for your kids... or shouting at people who are late because they’ve wasted your time... or always leaving your messes for someone else to clean up... or <insert 9,994 other behaviors here> have different ways to work on changing them.

Plus there’s a whole great big wide spectrum of selfish... ranging from perfectly healthy/normal/wanted all the way to seriously f*cked up and lethal. Selfish, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s often a good thing, or a neutral or necessary thing, as well.

Big durn arc.
10s of thousands of possibilities.

Which things don’t you like & want to set about changing?

 

[EveHarrington]

What specific behaviors do you want to change?

Some selfish behaviors arise out of necessity. Ptsd can be a very selfish disorder. By default we must be a bit more self-focused in order to simply function on a basic level.

I think self awareness is the first step. Even if we have a selfish kind of disorder, we can still be selfless in other ways so our relationships are more balanced.

 

[The Albatross]

How to stop for me was deliberate behavior and habit changing... goal setting. Practice, patience, persistence, perseverance whilst arresting cognitive distortions and maladaptive stuff to see my way clear to a conscious decision of the kind of person I want to be, what I value/esteem and if I want to endeavor to actualize that. I did, I do, definitely worth the work and time and effort I put in/and still put in.

In essence, I was appalled to discover reasonably early on that I was a short term hedonist. I did a self study and extensive evaluation to determine it. It is intensely personal, "hedonism originated with Aristippus of Cyrene, who believed that pleasure — which included physical pleasure, love, mental pleasure, moral happiness, and friendship — was the most important motivation for behavior. Aristippus also believed that long-term pleasures were more valuable than short-term ones." I expect this is not likely helpful to others in that most often, the idea of "selfishness" is challenged or debated rather than the topic of how to choose and endeavor to come more in line with your personhood, character, values, behaviors and habits over the longer term.

You can though challenge meaningfulness and set goals and acquire a better understanding or education to set up some situations for yourself to force growth in this or any area like you force a bulb plant before planting.

 

[RVA21]

That does make sense @Chris-duck thanks! Well, for instance, whenever I was in relationships with people, I wouldn't ask them how their day went when they got home from work or college. I sort of expected them to show more interest in me and to do things for me rather than the other way around. So there wasn't equality, it was unfair on the other person. I mean, I wouldn't even offer to make them a coffee most of the time - and that's just terrible. It was just that I didn't think to offer because I wasn't raised to do that and my mother was abusive and we hardly ever had visitors and she stopped me from having friends when I was a child. I don't have siblings either and so I didn't really learn very well how to be around other people. One of my exes said something like; I hadn't been socialised properly? And I agree with that.

I can see how a lot of my behaviors were caused by how I was raised but that is really no excuse, and especially not now as I am older and I hurt people by not being considerate enough of their needs and their feelings. I'm single now but reflecting on my last relationship and I suppose trying to figure out where I got things wrong. I know people are people and they make mistakes, but I hurt my ex by not respecting her enough and one time, I was completely thoughtless and hurt her emotionally without even meaning to or realising that would be the effect. She (rightly) felt betrayed. She pointed it out - it was many years ago and I apologised but I don't think she ever forgave me. And I don't blame her. Some of that was to do with me letting other people control me and not being brave enough to tell them to back off.

I'm kind of feeling, the more I think about how I am and have been in the past, I think, I don't really deserve to have friends or anyone in my life really.

I do want to change, I just am not entirely sure how because a lot of the time, I just .. didn't/don't think. And it seems like a huge effort to be mindful and I think I would have to keep reminding myself to think all of the time.

The thing is, when people meet me, they do like me, and I'm nice to them. But people I've been in long term relationships with and lived with have pointed out I can be uncaring, inconsiderate, ignorant and selfish. And the more I think about it, the more I realise I have been/am like that. And I don't want to be like that anymore.

Thanks @Friday I think it's not lethal/f*cked up selfishness, lol! I think it's more - thoughtlessness and not being considerate of other people mixed with quite a bit of self - absorbed-ness.

@EveHarrington I totally agree, some of it has been necessary in attempting to heal. And self-awareness is good, this is where I'm at. I finally realised it about myself. I had thought maybe it was not me, but I think sometimes it has been me at fault, and I am angry at myself about it. And want to change it and be a better person.

 

[grit]

These are my suggestions, take what apply and ignore what no.
You need therapist if you do not have one. You need a person to mirror back you to you so you can see.
You will learn your problem is not that you are selfish but that you did not learn a lot id things adults learn as children organically.
You are lucky that you mention feeling unfair and wondering why would anyone be your friend when you act this? Meaning there are times you are not "selfish" as you think. At minimum you know you are missing a link in something.

By coming here and articulating, you are already in question period. Hope you find the answers soon.

 

[RVA21]

What you said makes a lot of sense, thanks @The Albatross. It really does sound like me too. And it does look like it will take a lot of mindfulness to change it.

 

[The Albatross]

I actually am on the thread (just got in) and was gonna post anyways.... here's the thing about "mindfulness" seeming like it's a lot.

One is mindful when they care for children or elderly. One is mindful when they drive. One is mindful about those most common two things... how much more so is it or would it be useful to be mindful for our families, our friendships or our partners?

It is good that you're taking stock of the situation within the pattern of your experiences. Change you... change the pattern. It is doable. Honest.

I had a young woman I was in a class with... she recognized she had a deficit where others didn't seem to have the issue or same degree of difficulty. She was able to express her want and desire to be different. A group of us were able to coach her through it and she went on to be an amazing person highly though of and respected in her vocation. Here's the thing. IF it's something you value or esteem, you would do well to cultivate it in yourself. Mindfulness ain't all that bad, nor are acquiring the skills to at least allow you the option of intrapersonal relations on a better caliber than your past ones.

it does look like it will take a lot of mindfulness to change it.

26-30 days to create a new habit... 6 months (consistent consciously directed effort) to create a new behavior.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hey, just found this thread and can totally relate. I have noticed the same tendencies in me. My mum was abusive and I had few friends, nobody was allowed over. I never learned how to give and take in a relationship.
My mum used to yell at me how selfish and nasty I was from an early age, that certainly made matters worse. Children are naturally self centred and have to be guided out if it.
Apart from my husband I dont have any friends right now. With all my struggles its too hard. I guess a childish part in me thinks most others have it so much easier, so they dont deserve me asking how they are? Cognitive distortions!!
Its my husband who explains to me that people get really happy if you take time for them and I actually do enjoy giving. The distortion for me is that I dont think people will want anything to do with me really, or to be given anything from me. So its more really low self worth rather than selfishness.. if this makes any sense.
But then again.. I dont ask my husband how his day was much. so I have to think more on this ?