Relationship How Do You Trust Them?

[Buttercup]

I tend to think, in my situation, it is either a way not to look for a deeper meaning, or not knowing how, or both. And also not wanting to be wrong or "screwed up" in any way.

It could be, "she said this and I feel bad, therefore it's her fault."

 

[Buttercup]

And maybe it also has to do with feelings of shame.

 

[Muted]

What about deflection in the former of making the other person to blame (me) and not taking responsibility...

Good question.

Is it just you or other people also that they're isolating from? Without knowing the specifics, my guess would be one or possibly both of the following:

If they're shutting you and or others out. On some level there may be a vulnerability or insecurity in the relationship. It also may be a protection mechanism, lack of feeling safety and possibly not feeling heard in some way.

I would maybe call it avoidance, if it seems like they're shutting people or things out. This could be because of fear, feelings of being overwhelmed, but the root in general I would say would be a sense of powerlessness.

 

[Sweetpea76]

How do you trust that they are "just" isolating/triggered not creating distance because there might be someone else? (People retreating and/or getting ticked off by "minor" things being signs of trouble in the relationship.)

Time.

I know my vet is not a cheater. He has proven that by never talking to other women or acting any less than faithful.

If he didn't have that history, I wouldn't trust him so much. He earned it.

 

[Buttercup]

That sounds like what is going on in my case @Gia1019 he only shuts me out and I think it's for the reasons you stated. Thank you so much!

 

[grimalkin]

A timely post for me. Right now? I can't trust anything he says. When relaxed and left to his own devices, I'm "Babe," and we're "Waka and Beedie" (our pet names), and he wants to do stuff with me. He sends me funny notes and pictures, all after I told him what that means to me, and he said "Yes, I realize."

Then, we don't even have the same conversation, even with using tools like reflective listening. "We can wait to make any decisions about splitting up, even though I'm leaning towards that direction," turns into "I didn't say that, I haven't changed my mind, we're done."

It's days like this that make me feel like I'm losing my own mind. Then, I realize, no, I'm not. I have my issues, but this is definitely not one of them. And then the "it's not me, it's him" mantra kicks in. Doesn't always help, but sometimes it does.

 

[grimalkin]

And, I just realized, you asked specifically about fidelity.

That crosses my mind too. We started online. It would be easy for him to do it again. I have to trust he isn't, but at the same time, prepare that he is.

 

[Hojay]

If he didn't have that history, I wouldn't trust him so much. He earned it.

I see what you mean. I think our bumpy beginning got me off on the wrong foot trust-wise and I both cherish and resent myself for having that seed of doubt ever since. It makes for quite a volatile and unstable situation. We've been working so hard to get through it but sometimes it feels like an unsolvable situation. PTSD asks a lot from supporters, to be worried about the honesty of the entire situation pushes things over the edge in a lot of ways.

I have to trust he isn't, but at the same time, prepare that he is.

Yes, it's a bit like Schrödinger's Cat - both happening and not happening at the same time. Living with that uncertainty can be too much sometimes...

Then, we don't even have the same conversation, even with using tools like reflective listening. "We can wait to make any decisions about splitting up, even though I'm leaning towards that direction," turns into "I didn't say that, I haven't changed my mind, we're done."

This goes into the "exerting control" part I mention - which we also have trust is happening because they are triggered. In a "normal" situation this would be nothing short of gaslighting, a form of abuse...here, it could be a symptom of panic and anxiety. Spotting the difference is incredibly hard and unsettling.

This is really all very helpful - just knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way helps a lot already. I've been feeling horrible for having these thoughts and doubts. There has got to be some sort of solution.

 

[Mon15]

Here is something I've been thinking a lot about. Keep in mind that this question stems from trust issues...

Great post! I honestly think those things myself sometimes and I guess it is something we won't really know unless we get a clear and honest answer from a sufferer, right?

 

[Friday]

How Do You Trust Them?

Time. & Practice.

Trust isn't bestowed. It's earned.

It seems that a lot of the behavior displayed would be an immediate no-go in a "normal" relationship,

Nope. For myself, I don't cross that line. Because it's my line. My boundary. What I love / like / DGAF / dislike / won't tolerate it. If I wouldn't accept it in another relationship, I don't accept it in a PTSD relationship (or any other disorder, disability, career, avocation, inclination, eccentricity, etc.).

If it's a no-go for me? It's a no-go, full stop.

The devil is in the details, it always is, but how I choose to live my life? Isn't dependent on what others might do. They might lie? Sure. But it ain't my responsibility to make sure they don't. I don't trust people because of things that I do. I trust them -or not- based off of what they do. Character is what you do when no one is looking.

 

[Hojay]

it is something we won't really know unless we get a clear and honest answer from a sufferer, right?

Exactly, though sometimes, sadly I won't believe I'm getting an honest answer until it's the answer I fear. It's like I need proof my suspicions are true so that I can start trusting he would tell me when something other than panic attacks etc. are the reason for his behavior. I don't know if that makes sense.

Nope. For myself, I don't cross that line. Because it's my line. My boundary. What I love / like / DGAF / dislike / won't tolerate it. If I wouldn't accept it in another relationship, I don't accept it in a PTSD relationship (or any other disorder, disability, career, avocation, inclination, eccentricity, etc.).

Spot in here, Friday. Though there are shades of grey here for me. It's a boundary for me in normal relationships to not get yelled at or have him deflect because I can't have someone in their right minds treating me like that. But if I have someone who is not "in their right mind," it's a different beast all together, and even though the boundary is not negotiable, I do have to face him with patience and understanding if I want to make it work. And...trust. There are other things, of course, like infidelity, physical abuse etc. that are not shades of grey. In those instances I would not give AF why he is the way he is.

Isn't dependent on what others might do. They might lie? Sure. But it ain't my responsibility to make sure they don't. I don't trust people because of things that I do. I trust them -or not- based off of what they do. Character is what you do when no one is looking.

this is so great! I can get myself to think this way...I have no control over whether or not he might be lying. And when he does, it's not my fault. It's the not knowing, the not knowing what he will/would do when no one is looking that drives me nuts sometimes. Because how would I know?

Sadly I have had the experience that people can talk until they are blue in the face, and I will never know what it is they are actually doing when I'm not looking. I've been manipulated and betrayed in the past and it is so very hard for me to shake those feelings of mistrust...especially in a "strange" situation like this.

I clearly have trust issues beyond my relationship with my sufferers, so these are questions that I desperately need to answer for myself regardless. It might just be the case that an extreme situation like this can shake me into finding a new way of looking at it...just don't know what that is right now.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I think you need to develop a default position of taking people at face value and respecting their word and then simply having stricter boundaries for yourself where, if they bypass them, they're out. It's what I am trying to develop, don't overthink everything, take people at their word but develop my own self-respect where if people take advantage of that or abuse it, they're gone.

No questions.

Apply it to everyone too, PTSD or anything other illness isn't an excuse to overstep boundaries, lie to you or anything else. Allow people to earn your absolute trust, but be prepared to force them to face the consequences of lying.