How Do You Trust?

[scout86]

I know that I tend to see trust as all or nothing, at least in human interactions.

And because people aren't perfect, this presents challenges.

One of my good friends, in work situations, I have literally trusted with my life and he has done the same with me. We've talked about the fact that all it would take is one mistake, one miscalculation, one little thing, and one of us could end up dead. We each believe, if that happens, it was a MISTAKE, an unintended consequence. We're ok with that. We don't expect perfection.

The same thing happens on other levels. Someone says they'll pick you up after work and then they don't. Does that mean you can't ever trust them again? Maybe. Maybe not too. Part of being a grown up is realizing that absolutes and guarantees are hard to come by in the real world. Sometimes it comes down to learning who you can trust with what. I have a friend, who I love dearly, who would do literally anything she could to help out RIGHT NOW. I can call on her for all kinds of outlandish things. But, if I need something done NEXT WEEK, I know her well enough to know there's a good chance she'll forget. Not because she's a bad, evil person. Not because she's not trustworthy. Just because her mind and her world aren't organized that way. There are a lot of examples of that kind of thing.

I've been told in the past that people see my username and move on because they don't know how to respond to me (because of who I am).

Sorry you feel that way! It might be more accurate to say "some people". I actually think your tone is a little different when you post anonymously. Not so much that you aren't recognizable, but maybe a little less confrontational? A little less of a chip on your shoulder? Maybe, being anonymous, you're not quite so much expecting negative responses? I'm not sure, but it's interesting. (And maybe I'm wrong about who this actually is too. And, there could be more than one "anonymous" I guess.)

 

[Intrepid]

Posting anonymously is about trust too. Do it until it makes sense not to.

I can't do it. It feels too weird. It makes me feel like people will think less of me. That's not true, of course.

I'm glad you can. Better post anonymously than be a stranger.

 

[illusionist]

Maybe if we look to ourselves in what ways we cannot be trusted we may find a better understanding as to why others may not be trusted, in certain ways....not all failure of trust is malicious. I cannot be trusted to attend formal social events, especially if I have been given plenty of notice....I work my way up to being such a nervous wreck, I'm incapable of attending.

 

[fellowsufferer]

@illusionist you hit the nail. No all failure of trust is malicious! We all have our strenghts and flaws! I must learn to tolerate that in other people too.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Link Removed I post anonymously because I do not feel accepted here on the forum under my real username and get more responses when I'm anonymous. I've been told in the past that people see my username and move on because they don't know how to respond to me (because of who I am).

I.am.sorry.to.hear.that. Your reason may certainly feel accurate and I do not challenge your assessment nor the advice given. However, I wish to add along that vein. When I held staff and monitor at few boards...there was an oddity of sometimes feeling separated from the very thing that drove me to the board in the first place...to communicate about mutual concerns as well as socialize. That was a valuable lesson that I had been fortunate enough to learn, grow and now think otherwise. So if you are a staff member take heart and perhaps tag all of us that have responded within a new thread on trust with collective reflection such as in your post #9 . I will be on a flight shortly but.I.will.respond.to.you. with the same hug given to you in the shadows. I am sure the others would like to be there for your coming out party as well.:clown:

Secondly, if you are not staff, the same holds true...a recognition that there is a person behind the post that needs reassurance that they will not be prejudged the same way here on the board that some of us might have felt when we state outside the board," I have PTSD. " or "My _____has PTSD.".
What if both sides needed to learn trust just a little more and you helped others with this very post see beyond a name or acronym.

Biases in life can cripple. Perceptions at times can be broadened through education. It may not be the beat of your drum, however, to spearhead a change at this time. However, tag me if you desire anytime and I will listen...a step in trust. For me, trust is having the belief in my building resilience to recover from my perceived or real mistakes (not to live with the constant fear of making those mistakes). Then there are the joys in trust that follow.

Failures or success of your connections is not the key to trust...trusting yourself is your key...believe in your resilience to try again.:hug: Shake, rattle and roll through our board.:tup:

 

[Changing4Best]

I have found that I need to trust my intuition. There is this guy that I just didn't trust from day one. He is the maintenance man in our building. Now, while comparing notes with all the other tenants, I find that he is not trustworthy, so I know my instincts in thinking he was untrustworthy were sound.

There is a woman at my church who gives me the creeps. I get a ride to church with her, and then back home again, but I try to spend as little time with her as I can, because I don't like what she talks about. She is a gossip, then has the nerve to say that she never gossips on top of it. I think what happened is that she got caught gossiping and so she is careful who she gossips to. I sure don't want to share anything with her, as I bet she would divulge it to someone! I don't trust someone who says they don't lie, or they don't gossip. If they have to tell you how honest and good they are, they probably aren't!

I have to be careful who I get rides with, as I don't own a car. There are some folks whose driving I don't trust. I might never ride with them again after I learn this, but what if someone gets into an accident with me in their car for the first time I am riding with them? So, I first see how well they drive just around town. If I don't like how they drive doing that, I won't ride with them again. If I do like how they drive around town, I am still reluctant to ride on the highway with them! I am trusting my life with them, so it takes awhile before I will ask someone to take me any distance. I need to know them more in their personal life, before I would trust going on the highway with them.

There is really only one person who I would trust on the highway, but I have not asked her to take me on the highway yet. I instead take public transit. Their drivers have to have clean driving records. That much I know.

I don't trust anyone with a secret accept my best friend. Even she probably does not know most of my secrets. A secret is just that. If you tell it to someone it isn't a secret anymore!

I trust my therapist. None the less, she does not know everything there is to know about me. I do tell her about the things that trouble me though. So she knows most of it.

I don't really trust my sister or my niece. I do tell them some of the small details of my life. Nothing big though. If I question whether or not I should tell them something, I don't tell them it. I definitely don't trust my nephew. He knows almost nothing about me. He's veryh immature. He's a Facebook friend and that is the only contact I have with him.

As to what to share on Facebook, almost nothing. I usually just share images and even then I am careful what I share. I rarely write stuff on FB. Months can go by before I do that even once.

Basically, someone has to earn my trust. I start with the small stuff. Nothing personal. Most of my family does not know I am PTSD. My doctors know, because I figure they should. Even that makes me nervous sometimes, but then they would probably figure it out by looking at my meds, which need to be listed, so I do tell them, grudgingly.

 

[Dana1010]

and they talk negatively or share any of their friends personal lives with me, I take that as a major warning sign....not friendship material.

Ugh, this brings back memories. How could I have been so stupid? :banghead:

I think you have to define what trust is to you and face its limitations without crying over them. Can someone trust you absolutely and unconditionally? You will never let them down no matter what? You will never divulge their secrets to anyone else even if they tell you they've begun a career as a serial killer and buried seven bodies in their yard so far? Really? What gives you the right to ask of someone else something they couldn't ask of you? I don't trust anyone. What can I say? Do I think it's healthy? Probably not, but I believe there's a risk inherent in trusting anyone and I'm not going to start pretending there's not because it feels good. Maybe that's unfortunate; maybe I'm my own worst enemy. I would say the work is in being willing to take the risk without obsessing over it; suspending disbelief without ever regressing to naivete. Is it not real trust unless you put the risk out of your mind entirely? I'm sort of clueless.

 

[holdenmonty]

I've been told in the past that people see my username and move on because they don't know how to respond to me (because of who I am)

It's Solara, it's alright hun. We all have our issues and questions. It's your responses that I tend to pass over

 

[Suzetig]

I'm not sure it's ok to "out" someone posting anonymously . I've no idea whether you're right in your guess or not but naming someone seems unnecessary and unfair.

I have huge trust issues and find it difficult to work out who is safe or not for me. I've been reading with interest but need to formulate my thinking more before replying but thanks for the thread.

 

[joeylittle]

Let's keep conversation on topic, and away from hypothesizing who "anonymous" might be. There is no specific rule about this - but overall, the thread is working and it would be a shame to see it devolve into a game of "guess who?".

Thanks, all.

 

[illusionist]

Intrepid......you just gave me an aha moment. You say you learned to trust your therapist. I just thought to myself that I just can't trust anyone who is paid to give me their time...including therapists, doctors, dentists and never ever worked out why. Now I realise it's because my foster parents, who were my abusers, were paid.....so somehow I've transferred that to anyone who is paid to take care of me are false.....they don't really have the best intentions for me....something to work on now as it does cause me problems.

 

[The Albatross]

Its incredibly difficult for me to trust in anyone.


Do you start with the little things?

Yes.