How Do You Trust?

[anonymous]

I read the replies throughout the day, but waited to respond as it gave me time to think about everyone's comments.

You know where you trust issues come from or believe you do.

I know that a big part of it is from my mother, not being able to trust anything she says. But, I also know that the sexual abuse (outside the family) had a huge impact, too. Its a bit harder to sort out its role in everything.

There are varying degrees of trust and distrust. Tell us what you think trust should look like to you?

This honestly stumped me. Want to know the truth? I had NO idea that I had serious trust issues until I was repeatedly told (by quite a few people) that I don't trust anyone, in the least. The first time I brushed it off. The second time it gave me pause. The third time it started to really hit home. I've been thinking about what trust means to me, and I'm clueless. It seems like such a foreign concept to me.

At any minute, I half-way expect anyone and everyone to simply walk away from me. Even family who have been my greatest supporters since I was diagnosed. Does it logically make sense? No, not at all. But, I still expect it to happen, to an extent.

I have been thinking about what has been the downfall of recent relationships. Not all of it is on me. One person was a liar who then would lie about lying....after he had come clean. I take honesty very seriously. Little white lies are OK as everyone does it. I can't handle big lies, and he was telling me big lies. Another person crossed too many boundaries. Again, I feel confident in that I stood my (reasonable) ground. She attempted to come in between myself and another person, and this was the third time she's done this relationship destroying stuff. But then there are others, and I know that my inability to trust has played a major role in the demise of those relationships.

So what does trust mean to me? I honestly think that consistency is the key for me. If I see consistent behavior, I can start to build trust. But, if someone's behavior is all over the place and inconsistent, then its impossible for me to know what's the truth and who they really are..... I'll have to think more about what trust means to me.

Fear of being lonely is not a good foundation to trust anyone.

I agree. I don't think I could force trust just to avoid being lonely! I could force "like" to keep people around, but I couldn't force trust.

Part of being a grown up is realizing that absolutes and guarantees are hard to come by in the real world.

I don't have problems trusting outside of a relationship. I can trust the little things, I just can't trust the relationship things. I don't expect any absolutes or guarantees in other things that I do. Relationships are a bit more tricky.

Maybe, being anonymous, you're not quite so much expecting negative responses?

Correct.

It makes me feel like people will think less of me.

In the back of my mind, I think that nobody could ever think less of me. (In any sort of situation or interaction I'm involved with.) Logically I know that probably isn't true, but the belief overrides everything.

Maybe if we look to ourselves in what ways we cannot be trusted we may find a better understanding as to why others may not be trusted, in certain ways....not all failure of trust is malicious.

Very true, not all failure of trust is malicious. I am getting better at realizing this and sorting out the malicious breaches from the non-malicious breaches of trust. But, as with anything, it can get pretty hazy. Sometimes things are a bit malicious but said/done out of anger and instead of being something minor, I end up freaking out. That's sort of a theme. Overreaction.

Secondly, if you are not staff, the same holds true...a recognition that there is a person behind the post that needs reassurance that they will not be prejudged the same way here on the board that some of us might have felt when we state outside the board," I have PTSD. " or "My _____has PTSD.".
What if both sides needed to learn trust just a little more and you helped others with this very post see beyond a name or acronym.

No, I'm not staff. I think i'm ok not coming out for full recognition, even if its only because I am afraid.

...trusting yourself is your key...believe in your resilience to try again.

I don't think I trust myself, either. I only know that I'll be inconsistent at best, even though I'm getting better on the consistency front. I put expectations on myself and then I fail because I don't meet them when my symptoms spike. I fail myself on consistency. Err, I am consistently inconsistent, I fail myself with being consistently "OK".

I have found that I need to trust my intuition.

I agree. But then the PTSD monster steps in and I confuse intuition with a trigger/stressor.

Basically, someone has to earn my trust.

I agree.

I think you have to define what trust is to you and face its limitations without crying over them.

This is quite interesting. I never thought about crying over my limitations in terms of trust. I cry about my other limitations from time to time. Maybe the full scope of my inability to trust hasn't hit home yet.

I don't trust anyone. What can I say? Do I think it's healthy? Probably not, but I believe there's a risk inherent in trusting anyone and I'm not going to start pretending there's not because it feels good. Maybe that's unfortunate; maybe I'm my own worst enemy.

I know I am my own worst enemy. :(

I'm sort of clueless.

Me too.

 

[Dana1010]

This is quite interesting. I never thought about crying over my limitations in terms of trust. I cry about my other limitations from time to time. Maybe the full scope of my inability to trust hasn't hit home yet.

Sorry, you didn't quite get my meaning. I mean you have to face the limitations of trust itself, not your own limitations. Because it seems to me absolute infallibility is just not found in humans, even the best of them, and acknowledging that means acknowledging that trusting anyone carries a risk.

 

[joeylittle]

I trust that so-and-so says what they mean and means what they say. When they tell me that they are going to do ABC for me, I trust that they will follow through. In this sense, I can indeed have a sense of trust.

Would this approach work? Building from the little things up to the bigger things over the course of time.

I think, yes.

What is tough for me is moving from actions to concepts. Also, "trust" is such a loaded word. I am better off shifting it to 'believe', which lets me feel more active than passive.

But yes - if you can trust that person X will pick you up for work because they said so - that's a good step one.
If you can trust that they will keep something in confidence, that's a step two - it relies on them not doing something (gossiping), and so the proof of it is way less tangible than showing up in a car.
If you can trust that they care about you - that's like the holy grail of trust, as far as I'm concerned.

When I notice all the small actions that someone does, and really list them out, I can usually find proof that altogether they must think I'm worthy of their time and care. And I just have to tell myself that it's not up to me to decide what they think or feel.

I think it takes a real concerted effort, but like anything else that is basically cognitive training, it can be done.

 

[ms spock]

Its incredibly difficult for me to trust in anyone.

Building a relationship with yourself, so that you can trust yourself is important.

Not lashing out at yourself constantly and others continually means you have a basis to start trusting, but if you are hard on yourself, and hard on others you have set up the scene for distrust - a distinct lack of safety.

I see people lash out continually, as at a disadvantage, as they don't realise what they are setting themselves up for - I have watched with sadness of one person in real life lately, and there is not much I can do for them.

Trust, for me, comes for a space of safety.

Starting from the small things sounds doable to me.

I have issues of trust as well, so it might not be relevant or helpful to you.

 

[oasis2003]

Hi
I did not trust any one !!! Use your instinct some people really try and help and want to . Most people are ok . Just want to send :hug::hug:. Sounds like you need them at the mo.

 

[oasis2003]

I would accept you anonymous who ever you are and what ever you have been through, :happy:

 

[Sammyiam]

Trust to me is showing kindness to someone and reciving kindness back and you slowly build up a friendship. Trust doesn't happen overnight or it isn't something you can just name in one or two words. It's in your heart and soul its part of your inner thoughts and your feelings. Yes you get hurt and it's very hard to handle, but if you live a life with no trust you have a very lonely and sad life. Yes it kicks you in the arse sometimes but with out trust you lose a big part of yourself. I know it's hard and it feels like sometimes everyone is against you, but they are not.

When people tell it as it is, or say what they think and come across harsh, it hurts people's feelings and they hurt. The person has two choices back Into a corner and fight back, or run and hide. Neither is a nice choice. You have a lot to offer and have a lot of very wise information, I think sometimes when we hurt as we all do we get scared and put our back to the wall and are scared to show our feelings as we just think who cares they are just going to hurt me like everyone else has in the past, as that is what most of us have had from our mothers and farthers or our abusers or all three. I know I have been hurt by my mother for most of my life and even after she died she has hurt me more that when she was alive, and I find it very hard to trust just like you, but you have to just start out very small and slowly work at it. Most of the people on this site would have trust issues as we have all be hurt and it's so hard to trust once you have been hurt time after time.

I am sorry you feel like you have to post anonymous, I think your first step would be to start trying to trust the people on this site as we are all on her to help each other and we are all trying to recover and get past this horrible hurt that we have gone through which has given us PTSD symptoms. Yes you will have ups and downs, I know I run and hide when I have been hurt but we are all here to try and help, please know that it only takes small steps to start.

Take care

Sammy

 

[Rumors]

I always pick the wrong people to trust hence the reason why I just wonder if it is better to keep things to myself....

 

[shell]

Trust for me is a huge monster that constantly raises it's head, I wish I could say I was getting better at trusting, but in truth I am not sure if I am or I just like to think I am making progress.

I guess I must be, because I am learning to take risks more with my therapist, but when I can feel how lost I felt just over two weeks ago, when she was fully booked for the next week, and I really felt like I needed an appointment, I panicked and wanted to quit therapy , I wanted to run away from everyone and everything.

For me trusting and becoming dependant in a healthy way on someone is absolutely terrifying. I trust my therapist more than I have ever trusted anyone, and it feels scarey to admit that, and to allow myself to need that relationship.

I actually fell in a big hole these last three weeks, because I had allowed my self to trust someone else, and when I really needed them because I was struggling with something I have been working on, and they were fully booked I attacked myself for daring to trust. But I didn't trust her enough to tell her what I did, I made it sound like I was talking about someone else, when I discussed the panic I felt when I can feel I am allowing myself to become dependant or to have needs, that theory of mine you can't miss what you never had:cautious: is just not helpful.

I can't trust safe people because I fear abandonment, rejection and being hurt.

 

[holdenmonty]

But as a response to the OP I have a hard time trusting anybody that isn't me. Well I'm able to trust my therapist and psychologist because they are legally bound to keep my secrets. I don't like relying on others or needing others help because in the past from my traumas and life in general I have learned you can't 100% trust somebody with everything no matter how perfect they seem because nobody is perfect and people can and will fail you. Hell I know I have failed people and I have even failed myself. I have learned that you have to take a calculated risk. My therapist also showed me basically an * on a piece of paper drawn out with a bunch of lines and she said that each line represents something. Trust and other stuff and on one end there is total distrust where you wouldn't trust them for anything which is not very healthy and then on the opposite end you trust somebody/everybody completely which can also be unhealthy and that you want to do your best to be in the someplace in the middle. Each person is different and it takes baby steps for any kind of progress.

 

[anonymous]

I've continued to read the responses....

I have come to the realization that I need to find things that can provide me with consistency and start to heal my trust issues by trusting in things in which I can see this consistency. Since my trust issues stem from a complete lack of consistency as a child, the only way I'm going to heal is by trusting in things which there are a lot less unknowns. I know I can't start out by trusting here, or for that matter, anywhere online. There are so many unknowns, so much filling in that the mind does in lieu of knowing the truth. I can't trust in an environment where everyone can lie about every single aspect of their being. (Sad but true.) So yeah, I'm going to start working on trust in my relationships in my life because I can actually see the consistency in people and see that what they say is true.

 

[joeylittle]

So yeah, I'm going to start working on trust in my relationships in my life because I can actually see the consistency in people and see that what they say is true.

Honestly, these are the ones that matter in the long run, anyway. I think the way you are articulating what trust means for you is really great. Try and remember that consistency isn't the same as infallibility. Bad metaphor - but I can trust (like you) that the sun will come up in the morning. Now, some days it really doesn't look like the sun exists (super dark, stormy, whatever) - but I do know it is there. People can be like that also - it takes awhile to observe enough of an individual's behavior, in order to have a sense of their overall consistency regarding the things that matter to you (where consistency is concerned).